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to wish my db would zip it?

(35 Posts)
LifeOfPie Mon 15-Nov-10 13:47:48

My Db and I have Ds's of a similar age. I went down the EBF route and my DSil chose to formula feed from the start. My DS has put on weight well since birth but has always woken at night for a feed and still needs feeding every 3 hours or so during the day. I'm not thrilled about the broken sleep, but since he's less than 6 months old I'm happy to carry on and hope that once he's weaned and in his own room his sleep will settle down (or will deal with it later if it doesn't!) I've always been supportive of DSIL's choice to FF and have never criticised the decision even though I don't agree with it - her family have a lot of allergies/eczema and I felt that she should at least give the colostrum even if she felt BFing would be difficult and embarrassing. My issue is that they routinely (smugly) comment on my DS's size ("Are you sure he isn't going to be obese?"), or sleeping patterns ("You've made a rod for your own back with him, my DS sleeps from 7 till 6 each day"). I don't want to give the impression that I'm not happy their son sleeps through the night envy, but if I get one more smug crack about how much better FF is I think I might swing for someone! angry

HecateQueenOfWitches Mon 15-Nov-10 13:56:31

I know it's petty but I'd be saying "well, we all do what we think is right for our child. Personally, I think the health benefits of breastfeeding are worth some sleepless nights." because once someone starts criticising and making digs, they become fair game for a bit of their own medicine!

but be a better person than I am and rise above it. Maybe just smile and say "well, each to their own. We all parent how we see fit." or "thanks for your concern, but I'm very certain that there isn't a problem."

LifeOfPie Mon 15-Nov-10 14:00:34

Thanks Hecate, I've tried to be the better person up till now, but the thought of a family christmas looms large and I don't know how much longer I'll be able to hold my tongue!

HecateQueenOfWitches Mon 15-Nov-10 14:01:43

then don't hold your tongue. sometimes you have to tell someone exactly how you feel.

What's the worst that can happen? it doesn't sound like not talking to you would be a bad thing!

LifeOfPie Mon 15-Nov-10 14:05:35

Yeah, it's probably a good idea to deal with each snipe at a time, rather than waiting until I'm really annoyed.

HecateQueenOfWitches Mon 15-Nov-10 14:08:07

It is. I find the best way is to say things like "I'm sorry, I didn't catch that, would you repeat it please?" or "what are you trying to say to me?" or "that sounded rather insulting, what did you mean?"

or "when I want your opinion I'll, well, I'm never going to want your opinion." grin

LifeOfPie Mon 15-Nov-10 14:13:25

Hah, I think I will use your last suggestion when I have had my post-christmas dinner Baileys!grin

Bloodymary Mon 15-Nov-10 14:19:50

Very defensive arent they!

pjmama Mon 15-Nov-10 14:28:47

They're just criticising your choices to justify their own. Just smile and ignore.

saffy85 Mon 15-Nov-10 14:32:21

Do as I do with the whole FF BF issue: "If I wanted parenting advice I'd consult someone who actually knows what they're on about." this to DP's aunty.

Mind you my situation is reversed as I FF. And quite frankly, none of aunty's DC are great examples of what BF can do for a person....

ZombiePlan Mon 15-Nov-10 14:34:27

Just tell her he sleeps through now. then, don't tell her anything else that she might use to criticise you. It will drive her nuts trying to find something to be superior about grin

LifeOfPie Mon 15-Nov-10 14:40:23

Bloodymary, I do think that part of it is defensiveness as all new mums get the ebf message hammered home by midwives and hvs these days (which is why I didn't want to add my tuppence worth too) BUT that doesn't mean that it's ok to take a pop at ebf! If my only consideration was my own convenience then I would formula feed( one of the things I had to bite my lip not to say!)

Pjmama, I'm trying! grin

susitwoshoes Mon 15-Nov-10 14:41:25

I think you should congratulate yourself if you DS is gaining so well on ebf! Feeding every 3 hours and once at night at 6 months sounds pretty good to me. I don't also see what sleeping through the night has got to do with bf or ff though???

You know you could shoot them down in flames if you wanted, so just smirk to yourself and think of all the money and time you've saved.

whenskiesaregrey Mon 15-Nov-10 14:47:47

I know how you feel. I had this as DS didn't sleep through until he was 8 months old, and I had everyone under the sun telling me to stop BF 'for my own benefit', and 'oh, poor thing, he must be so hungry, give him some proper milk'. The thing is, with the type of people who always have to boast, they will do it with everything. It will be the same when the child is weaned, what they are having, how much better they are at eating. Then its crawling/ walking/ talking etc etc. This won't go away once your baby starts sleeping through I hate to tell you!

The best advice I can give you is to get some good coping strategies, learn to smile and ignore, and use it as practise for the playground competitiveness (sp?). Unfortunatley, you will always come across people like this. You know you are doing what is best for you and your situation, but unfortunatley some people will always feel the need to justify their own decisions by belittling yours.

Sorry if this is a bit rambley! My DS was always on the 9th centile, so I was forever having to defend BFing him.

LifeOfPie Mon 15-Nov-10 15:09:51

Susitwoshoes, he can wake up three times a night but I don't tell them that! He must be hitting a growth spurt at the mo as my supply has gone crazy again (think Jordan boobs!)

Whenskiesaregrey, I had comments from two weeks onwards about when I was going to switch to ff as the amount of time spent bf was "unreasonable" and "ridiculous". Partly because mum ff and had us fed and out in the garden on a four hour rota so thought I should do the same, and partly because db and dsil felt free to criticise bf-ing. My ds started off on the 25th percentile, moved to 50th by two weeks old, 75th by the next week and is now on 98th, hence the 'obese' questions that riled me! If he was on ff he'd probably put on more weight so I can't win!

AMumInScotland Mon 15-Nov-10 15:17:07

I think unless you are prepared to smile sweetly and bite your tongue forever (they will continue long after BF/FF is a distant memory - there will always be something you do differently from them, so can be criticised about) you need to find a way to nip this in the bud and let them know you are not just a human-shaped doormat.

Personally, I would wait till they'd wound me up too far then give them a whole tirade about what I thought about them in one go, but it would almost certainly be better to start responding in a rather more controlled way to each snide little dig as it comes, if you want to keep the high ground.

malachysmum Mon 15-Nov-10 15:17:11

wow you sound like your doing amazingly well! Keep up the good work with the BF

DancingIceDragons Mon 15-Nov-10 15:25:14

DOnt worry about the weight if his height is similiar. I think you only really have to worry when the weight centile and size centiles are grossly out of step with each other.

keep going, do what you expect. I liked the phrase "well we woudnt want all children to be exactly the same now would we? That would be awfully boring"

It is amazing that he is doing so well and waking up so little. SOme children just dont. ds' cousin was specialist formula fed due to illness and doesnt sleep. Ds was half and half bf/ff and he didnt sleep ds' other cousin was ff only he slept. It doesnt make a damm bit of difference what they are fed as long are they have sufficient for their development needs. Your dc seems to have that.

Find a stock set of comments that cut off comparisions/unwanted advice etc. It will continue past this stage unfortunately butt putting your foot down politely but firmly might just stop it getting excessive later on. My son sat up before yours, mine walked before yours, oh yours is going to have language delay because he walked so early. There is a whole heap of crap that is spouted in the name of competitive parenting. DOnt let it suck you in. You're doig fine!

LifeOfPie Mon 15-Nov-10 15:30:19

Amuminscotland, I have fond imaginings of letting rip (especially when db asked if ds was going to be obese twice on the same weekend) but I know realistically that won't happen! I'm hoping that once both ds' have grown up a bit it will be blazingly obvious that mine is far superior, thus ending all sniping grin!

Thank you Malachysmum, I'm nothing if not --bloody minded-- determined!

LifeOfPie Mon 15-Nov-10 15:31:21

Pesky strike out didn't work!

Got to recharge batteries now, not ignoring anyone!

whenskiesaregrey Mon 15-Nov-10 15:34:52

It is hard, because as a parent you always want to make decisions for your child that you think are the best. So, your DM ff you, and she will have no doubt done that because she thought it was the best thing to do. And the same for your DB and DSIL. Now, you would hope that they could see that you have also made your decision about what you have chosen to do, and just leave it. But I do think that with all the pro-BF information out there, they maybe feel the need to justify their own decisions not to BF? I agree they should go about if differently, and not critise you and your DS, but child-rearing (as you know) is so emotive, and can turn the most laid back person into a competitive nightmare!

Maybe they don't realise by justfying their own decisions, they are critising yours. Maybe something like 'you know when you say things like that, I feel like you are critising me a bit?'. They might not realise.

I had my hairdresser telling me how cruel I was to leave DS starving at 5 months, as she had weaned her sons at 12 weeks and they slept 14 hours a night. She kept saying 'oh the poor little thing, oh he must be starving. Look at him, isn't he small. Oh he must be freezing hmm. Poor thing, oh please give him a bottle, it breaks my heart'.

Well done you for maintaining such great weight gain with your DS.

Bloodymary Mon 15-Nov-10 15:35:15

pjmama has actually put it in a nutshell.


MumNWLondon Mon 15-Nov-10 16:44:13

The comments about obesity are total ignorant as BF children LESS likely to be obese than FF babies. Numerous studies back this up. So if they say it again, just tell them that no, their child is more likely to be obese due to the FFing - and your son would probably be even bigger if your were FFIng.

Regarding the sleeping, mine have slept better once on solids and formula after 6 months but even if FFing did improve sleep (and not clear it does) for me the health benefits of BFing would outweigh a broken nights for a couple of months. Again if they comment on the sleeping I'd say something like - "there is plenty of time for him to sleep all night once he is weaned, and the health benefits of BFing last a lifetime".

TBH I think you'd be totally justified to say something like - "I haven't critised your feeding choices even though I don't agree with them, please stop critising mine".

I bet your DB knows BFing is best for baby he is criticising to help him feel better than his partner wouldn't fed their baby.

HecateQueenOfWitches Mon 15-Nov-10 18:45:12

greyskies - that "proper milk" comment you got has fair riled me grin

Why oh WHY do people say that?

You don't see anyone looking at puppies feeding and say "oh, you should take those puppies and give them some proper milk" or kittens - when's the last time kittens were taken from the mother and put onto 'proper milk'?

Every other mammal on the planet feeds its own young with its own milk! So why on earth do people think that breast fed babies should have 'proper milk' - THEY ARE HAVING PROPER MILK!!!!!!

Really pisses me off.

I wish I'd been able to breast feed my two for longer. sad If I'd had proper advice and help I might have been able to.

LifeOfPie Mon 15-Nov-10 18:50:44

Whenskiesaregrey - what a horrible hairdresser! Why on earth did she think you'd welcome that advice! That's even worse than family commenting I think! It goes to show the difference in health advice over the years, DM had trouble feeding DB so was put straight onto ff and bf wasn't even considered for me. We were fed every 4 hours and put out in the garden for fresh air in between - no demand feeding there!

MumMWLondon - you are right, DB did want Dsil to bf but she said her friends said it was horrible and she didn't want to bf in front of her DF. I told him that he had to support her decision as it was her body and her choice, little did I know they'd feel free to criticise my choice later!

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