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to be slightly pissed off with MILs answer?

(54 Posts)
CrazyPlateLady Mon 15-Nov-10 09:42:26

Ok, I'm sure you will all tell me that I am and I shouldn't expect it etc.

My MIL doesn't see that much of DS, very much on her terms, when she wants him, never to give a hand to us. She is fit and healthy and only works for 3 hours a day during the week.

My nan and grandad are in their 70s. Nan has arthritus and grandad has been getting aches and pains. They cannot do enough for us and are our only babysitters.

DH was talking to his mum last night when he was telling her that we are going to go and see the new HP film soon. I said to him we need to check how my nan is first (her arthritus has been playing up lately). DH said to him mum, something along the lines of could she babysit. She never has offered and DH has never asked her. She said she can't as she works in the evenings (5-8). DH didn't say anything else to that. I said to him after that I wasn't aware she was working weekends now (she isn't, we know that, but she didn't even ask what day we would be going on). DH done his usual of just not answering me.

It pisses me off that my GPs are a lot older, a lot less mobile and fit yet will bend over backwards for us (which I don't take advantage of at all, even though my nan would have DS anytime I asked her to), when MIL can't even be bothered to come over for a maximum of 3 hours for a weekend evening. DS is 2.9 ffs, we have never asked her before (I suspect DH hasn't because he had a feeling she wouldn't, she doesn't exactly put herself out for people).

bratnav Mon 15-Nov-10 09:45:21

Sadly some people will always put themselves first. My mother has never babysat for me and my eldest is 8. YABU to expect her to have a complete personality change but YANBU to be upset about it.

Tidey Mon 15-Nov-10 09:47:05

No, you shouldn't expect anyone to babysit, but it would be nice to feel you could ask what sounds like a very rare favour from your MIL. I think it's rude of her to just say no without even finding out which day you are asking about especially if she knows that your grandparents are getting less able to babysit for you.

midnightblues Mon 15-Nov-10 09:47:16

I may be wrong but it sounds to me like your dh asked the question in a vague manner.

How about you ask her. Just pick up the phone and tell her your plans and ask her if she will babysit. She will either answer yes or no!

If she won't babysit, then you have your answer. You unfortunately have a mil that won't help. No big deal. Some parents/inlaws will sit, some won't.

There's no point getting cross about it, it's her choice and decision. Then find yourself a reliable babysitter.

LoopyLoops Mon 15-Nov-10 09:47:23

Although I can see why you are a bit annoyed, you can't expect anyone to babysit just because they are related to you. He is your son. Pay a babysitter.

CrazyPlateLady Mon 15-Nov-10 09:48:31

I was just surprised that she was like this after DS was born because when I was pregnant, she was annoying and always groping my belly (which was irritating as hell) so I took that to mean she was interested in actually being a GP. She has been groping me this time too even though she has been told to leave me alone. Last time I spelled it out that I don't like it and she just said "why?"

She likes me being pregnant but doesn't seem that bothered after, guess thats why I was surprised.

anonymousbird Mon 15-Nov-10 09:49:12

What bratnav said.
My Parents have looked after my DC (6 and 5) once for two hours. That's it. And that was kind of by accident. They don't want to, I don't want them to, if they don't want to.

That will never change, and I knew from the moment we told them I was pregnant this would be the case. I didn't get "congratulations, our first grandchild, how exciting". I got "I'm never changing a nappy". So it kind of set the scene really. Life is too short to worry.

CrazyPlateLady Mon 15-Nov-10 09:50:13

Midnight he wasn't vague, he did actually ask her.

Loopy I don't like the idea of a stranger babysitting (slightly PFB) and from what I have seen what people expect to pay a babysitter on here, that would cost us more than triple the cinema trip!

anonymousbird Mon 15-Nov-10 09:50:43

And yes, you will just have to get a sitter.
We hardly go out, because of the cost of a sitter, but for the events I really want to go out for it's my only choice and I have to budget accordingly.

thighsmadeofcheddar Mon 15-Nov-10 09:51:48

Sorry I agree with Loopy too. My MIL is not interested in babysitting at all, we have to pay the sitter.

CrazyPlateLady Mon 15-Nov-10 09:53:11

"I'm never changing a nappy", what a nice response from your parents! shock

I should have known really. The only other time we asked MIL for something was when we got married, 7 years ago. She had made us a lovely engagement cake, we asked if she could do the wedding cake and she just said no, it was too much. The engagement cake was probably bigger than a bottom tier of a wedding cake but we haven't asked anything since.

Animation Mon 15-Nov-10 09:55:38

She doesn't seem interested does she in helping you out. As a parent I would say she does have a reponsility to your son to try a bit, and be supportive.

LoopyLoops Mon 15-Nov-10 09:57:09

I didn't want to use a babysitter until DD was over a year old either, I understand the fear (and cost). We just didn't go out.

I really do think that, sad as it is, it is her prerogative to turn down babysitting.

Is there a babysitting circle near you? Maybe you could set one up?

VinegarTits Mon 15-Nov-10 10:01:03

GP's dont automatically become babysitters and they shouldnt be expected too, if they want to then great, if they dont it doesnt mean they are not being proper GP's, just means they are a bit selfish and its tough

CrazyPlateLady Mon 15-Nov-10 10:01:45

Any friends that I could ask are going to be coming with us.

If my nan can't do it, I will go with my friends then go another time with DH and ask one of my friends to babysit. I don't mind seeing it twice! grin

It just amazes me that DH's own mother doesn't have any interest in helping out her son but my best friend (who I have only known for a couple of years) is willing to take time off work next year when I have DD. I am 27 weeks pregnant and when I go into labour my nan is going to have DS but with her recent flair up, we need a backup plan. MIL isn't going to offer (and DH won't ask) but my friend who only has 2 days holiday until July, is willing to take time off work to look after DS (I'm really not planning on taking up her offer unless it is absolutely necessary)! I just can't get over how different people are really.

HappyMummyOfOne Mon 15-Nov-10 10:11:39

I dont get the mentality of judging grandparents by the amount they babysit. At the end of the day they should be able to enjoy their grandchildren without the responsibility of looking after them - thats the parents job.

If you want to see the latest film, then pay for a sitter - peoples social lives do change when they have children and they shouldnt expect to carry on as before and let familt pick up the childcare.

Animation Mon 15-Nov-10 10:29:15

Well no-one has to do anything in life - but the fact that this MIL hasn't EVER offered to babysit is a bit extreme in the unsupportive category of mothers/fathers to their adult children.

A very unreasonable MIL I think - and I'm not surprised you're pissed off OP.

YANBU.

Bunnyjo Mon 15-Nov-10 10:35:01

Sorry, I fall into the YABU camp. Just because she is your MIL, it doesn't mean she should have to look after your DS if she doesn't want to and I speak from personal experience too. My MIL has never looked after DD, who is now 3.3 - in fact she has actually never had DD alone for even a minute, let alone changed a nappy or fed her! What used to get me was she always looked after her twin DNiece and DNephew, who are now 15, but has no interest in babysitting her only GC. MIL doesn't work, so I cannot even use that as an excuse! My mum and dad do look after DD, but this is rare - especially if it is for me and DH to go out, they are more likely to look after DD if I have something like a hospital appointment and DH is working. They have looked after DD so DH and I can go out for a meal a couple of drinks (maybe 2-3 hours), but I can honestly count the times on one hand. The way my mum and dad see it is they work (Dad works full time and mum works 16hrs a week), whereas I am a SAHM - therefore any days off are theirs to enjoy as they please and, as much as I don't always like it, I can see their point.

I do get jealous of friends who have parents who willingly look after their GC's at a drop of a hat, but I just have to accept that is the way it is. Find a good local babysitter and budget accordingly - it may be that you are not able to enjoy nights out as often as you wish, but I'm afraid that is life and there are a lot of people in the same boat as you - me included.

CrazyPlateLady Mon 15-Nov-10 10:36:34

Happy there is a difference though when MIL hardly sees DS enough to enjoy him, then comments on how she hasn't seen him for ages when she does see him. And on the rare occasion she has him at her house, she just puts cbeebies on the whole time he is there and comments on how quiet he has been. Even if they happen to nip down her mums, as soon as they get there, bloody cbeebies goes straight on. I don't mind DS watching tv and I say to my nan if she is finding it difficult to keep him from running around the house (they have so much more space than us and DS likes to make the most of it) then he can watch tv for a bit but MIL sticks it on straight away and its still on when I have picked him up. Its not really enjoying her DGC.

I guess I tend to think of GPs like my nan, who could never do enough for her family and very rarely turns any request down, even when it is inconvenient (not talking about me there). Its just what I am used to.

DuelingFanjo Mon 15-Nov-10 10:37:07

YABU.

you say "DH said to him mum, something along the lines of could she babysit. She never has offered and DH has never asked her."

did he actually ask?
She has a right to say no.

I wouldn't expect anyone to babysit for me just because they are family. Maybe pay a babysitter?

2rebecca Mon 15-Nov-10 10:37:55

I agree with those who feel that being a good grandparent shouldn't involve babysitting. Many people who are grandparents still work. I don't see why not wanting to give up your evenings to babysit is considered selfish. They've done their share of looking after babies.
I always got a sitter. If you choose not to get a sitter fine, but I don't see why relatives should be considered mean or selfish if they don't want to babysit.

CrazyPlateLady Mon 15-Nov-10 10:39:25

He did ask. I phrased it like that as I couldn't remember exactly what he said, but he did ask.

It was just the way she said no as she works without even bothering to find out when and for how long.

As someone who always babysat at the drop of a hat and was happy to help, I do slightly think that family could babysit once in a while.

Animation Mon 15-Nov-10 10:45:11

Yes - once in a while at least - not all the time, yes, she has her own life and needs to work, but what about just ONCE. Good God - what's she like.shock

frgr Mon 15-Nov-10 10:52:42

YABU.

It's nice when relatives offer to babysit, but they're not her kids. She shouldn't be cast as the bad person if, say, she feels her childrearing days are over and hasn't offered.

If she did offer, she would be granting you a FAVOUR. people are free to grant or decline favours as they wish - no justification needed!

Stop expecting / feeling like you're entitled to this, and be pleasently surprised if she ever does offer. it's her perogative.

ZombiePlan Mon 15-Nov-10 11:57:48

I have no idea why you're being flamed for "expecting" babysitting. Your OP makes it perfectly clear that you don't have any such expectations.

I think YANBU to want her to want to spend time with them, which is what I think you're getting at. It's hard when your parents don't seem to be as keen on your children as you thought they might be (I know - have been there too). There really isn't anything you can do though, but I don't blame you for being a bit disappointed. Especially irritating if your MIL refuses and then harps on about "never seeing them".

PS it was v rude for MIL to say she was busy before you'd even told her a date and time. If she didn't want to do it then she should be honest about it.

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