Just another day of being a skivvy

[SpareRoomSleeper]

Had a heated argument with DH. This has become pretty common of late.

I said " You dont ever ask me or take an interest in what DD or I have been doing all day."

To which he replied:

"You dont DO anything all day."

It stopped me dead im my tracks.
I'm a stay at home mum, with a DD of 19 months. I cook all the meals, I do all the cleaning (he is a clean freak so I have high standards to keep to), I do all his laundry, I do all the ironing, and I do all the childcare. Morning, day, evening, bedtime, bathtime, night time waking, doctors, playgroups etc etc. I even make him his cups of tea - he never ventures into the kitchen.

I do all this because I see it as a job; he works outside, I work at home.

But the fact that he has this attitude towards my role is what kills me.

I got so angry Ive told him Im going away to my mums for a week and Im leaving DD in his full time care.

Am I being unreasonable?

[Thingumy]

Is he incapable of making his own tea?

Fuccck that.

[SpareRoomSleeper]

Yes. It seems he is incapable.

[Beamur]

You're not being unreasonable to feel like this.
He has no idea how much work goes into being a SAHM.
Will you go through with your threat though?

[SpareRoomSleeper]

He also said to me during that argument:

Why dont you get out and work, like other women do? Other women can manage running a household, having a child and having a job. Why cant you?
He knows I have a big interview tomorrow for which Im practicing a presentation for, for weeks.

I feel so low and worthless, its unbelieavable.

[annh]

Well I think you need to take him at his word,do NOTHING for a few days, and when he complains, tell him that you are living up to his expectations! Just because he works out of the house for 40 hours a week doesn't give him the right to delegate the 24/7 job of being a parent and homemaker entirely to you.

[Thingumy]

Stop doing it all (well apart from the looking after of dd bit)

He'll soon see and for gawd sake stop treating him like a baby,he is quite capable of making his tea/ bathtime for dd/washing his clothes etc etc

[Beamur]

Good luck for tomorrow - try not to let this derail you.

[AuntiePickleBottom]

well stop doing it, a grown man don't need someone to make a cup of tea or run his bath.

good luck for tomorrow

[SlightlyJaded]

Is he logistically able to juggle childcare with his work? If so, YANBU. I have this argument with my DH and he did have the DCs (5&3) for a week on his own (I occasionally work freelance and was away for a week) and he definitely became more respectful of my role but not much more interested in talking about it tbh when we reverted back to 'normal roles' (although we talked endlessly about his week of childcare and he had to practically be awarded a medal for every tea cooked, sock washed etc).

He recently tried to change his tack to "Oh I couldn't do what you do" as though he was giving me some credit when infact the implciation was that my 'job' as a mostly SAHM is too boring/physical/tedius to contemplate not only doing, but talking abou.

This made me lose it completely and we had a huge row where i asked him to consider how he would feel if I yawned in his face or walked out the room absent mindedly every time he started talking to me about his job.

He has improved since then but I do still feel he is paying me lip service at times.

[Fibilou]

"Other women can manage running a household, having a child and having a job. Why cant you?"

Because most of us rely on corner cutting to keep all the balls in the air. And our DP/DHs contribute to the child care/housework (in their own, unique way ). We don't cook meals every single night, keep show homes or do all the laundry. And most of us don't get enough quality time with our children to actually take them to activities and playgroups
The vast majority of working mums do not have to report to the overinflated ego of a husband who sees himself as a victorian overlord.

Your husband sounds like a twat

[theywillgrowup]

i tend to think like you,he works outside the home you work at home

but i feel like you and im bloody fed up of it,made a rod for my own back by trying to be like this,how i wish i hadnt

mind you my dp is a northener (waits for the flame) and god some of the male variety do still believe a womens place blah blah blah

make a stand now before the rot sets in

YANBU

[PlanetEarth]

of course he's being unreasonable to say you don't do anything all day. On the other hand, I'm guessing he doesn't want to come home and talk about the ironing and the cleaning...

[HumphreyCobbler]

good luck with your interview

don't let him grind you down, just stop doing stuff for him

I am slightly worried about the cleaning stuff tbh, does he go around with a white glove checking your cleaning or something? Sounds a bit off. You are doing the cleaning, do it to YOUR standards.

[Fibilou]

and if my dh complains about the cleanliness around here I tell him to either suck it up or do it himself.
Doesn't stop his whinging but makes me feel that I have at least taken a stand

[newwave]

That was harsh, if he works 40 hours then you put in forty hours at home and log what you have done in a book, after 40 hours do no more. When he sees what happens he MAY change his attitude.

TBH he is like he is because you have allowed him to get away with it.

[winnybella]

You don't need to make him tea

When he's at work, you're working at home.

When he gets back, you two should share childcare and chores.

He's a twat.

[SlightlyJaded]

Also OP, could you afford a cleaner once a week? Perhaps if you get new job? My DH has ridiculous expectations high standards of cleanliness, which is doubly annoying as he has low standards of tidyness - two compltely different things, so I told him that if he wanted the fridge and oven cleaned regularly, he was going to have to fork out cos I'm buggered if I'm doing that as well. Result 4 hours of paid cleaning a week = harmony.

[SpareRoomSleeper]

newave - you are probably right. Hes always moaned and whinged about the cleaning and tidiness of our house, so Ive stepped it up - but sadly done it to his standard, not my own.

But no one is telling me if its unreasonable or not if I leave DD and go. He is self employed, so it wont be a problem for him in that sense.

[DooinMeCleanin]

He may very well work outside of the house but he still chose to have a child. That child is 50% his responsibilty. You should both have the same amount of 'time off'/sitting down time and it doesn't sound to me like you do.

If his standards are that high he can clean his own fucking house. Seriously why are you putting up with this man? What are you getting from the relationship?

I came on the thread to sympathise and have a whinge myself as I have been feeling a bit like this all day myself, but Jesus Christ Dh is like Mother Theresa compared to your arsehole!!!!



Theywillgrowup, I'm guessing you are not northern? Dh is northern, as am I, northern men know better than to push us fishwives northern women too far If he told me my 'place' was in the home/at the kitchen sink etc I'd knock him out with the bloody iron and well he knows it

[SpareRoomSleeper]

Slightlyjaded - we couldnt afford a cleaner, we're saving every spare penny towards a house.

At this fg rate, he can move into it by himself, or marry a cleaner.

[borderslass]

you should show him this

[nannynobnobs]

It is not unreasonable as long as you think DD will be fed, watered, changed and bathed. And will she be ok with him if he never spends any time with her normally? Is he a stranger? Does he know what she likes to eat/favourite toy/blanket etc?
If you think she would be okay do it. Though perhaps for three or four days?

[SpareRoomSleeper]

Doinmecleanin - he thinks Im getting alot out of the relationship. I have food on the table and a roof over my head because of him.

[cupcakesandbunting]

He's a bellend.

[NinjaChipmunk]

i say go and go for a week, 3 or 4 days is not long enough for him to really understand what it is like. Plus he's her dad, she deserves to spend time with him!