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please help info needed asap!!

(26 Posts)
k1r5t1e Sun 14-Nov-10 15:41:44

hi all first of all i am thankful you are taking the time to read this.....Right where do i start......My sister is 3months pregnant with her partners baby who she is planning on leaving, she has 2 other children from her previous relationship...Her current boyfriend is violent not towards her or the children but has told her he will kill her if she leaves him, he has a very violent past and has been in prison for a few years, now for the complicated bit.....my sister wants me to have the baby from birth and bring it up as my own....I am unsure what to do because my sister will have to leave town and move away from her boyfriend she has told me she does not want the baby she is carrying but cannot go through an abortion....I am scared if i actually do this the father of the baby would look for me and try to take the child, would he be able to do this? What legal rights would i be eligible for if any? Please any advise would be appreciated

anothernewname09 Sun 14-Nov-10 15:46:35

Adoption??

I think you may need some real life help for this one?

Somebody will be along soon and maybe able to help more.

Suncottage Sun 14-Nov-10 15:47:06

You need a lawyer and fast. If you do want to do this it must be set down on paper and be legally binding.

Also - be aware you sister will probably want the child back one day.

The father has rights and you need to prove he is a danger to the child or he can/will be a part of that child's life

Get a solicitor and do it asap. These things are not that easy.

Also - are you ready for such an enormous change in your life and is your sister committed to the new realtionship or would she have another child to 'give away'?

notalone Sun 14-Nov-10 15:48:37

I am sorry I don't have any words of wisdom but I truly hope you get the answers you need here. It worries me a bit that you haven't said what you want in all this. I assume you are happy with what your sister has suggested? I hope some knowledgable person comes along soon to advise you and good luck.

HecateQueenOfWitches Sun 14-Nov-10 15:50:23

Talk to social services? she can get help and advice from women's aid.

You need legal advice. I don't know if anyone here is qualified to advise you, if they are, they will. I most certainly am not so wouldn't try! He's the father. If he finds out you have the child then he could come into your life, couldn't he? That would worry me. He may be a threat to you.

If you decide to do this, you will need lots of help and advice. From professionals.

scurryfunge Sun 14-Nov-10 15:50:24

Your sister needs urgent advice on how to leave safely. Get her to look here

Go to citizens advice and discuss options.

She needs to report the threats to the police and would probably benefit from assistance from social services to protect the unborn child and also her other children.

Tanga Sun 14-Nov-10 15:50:34

Didn't want to read without posting - what a terrible situation to be in, you must be worried sick. Has your sister contacted Women's Aid? She is obviously past herself.

On the legal front, she's not suggesting that you pretend the baby is actually yours, right? But I don't think she can 'give' the baby to you in any legal way (eg adoption) without the consent of the father, and he would have the strongest claim in the event that she tries to give the baby up. But I hope someone with more knowledge comes along in a minute to help. Best of luck to you and your sister.

GypsyMoth Sun 14-Nov-10 15:51:22

Well he will have every right to residency......a responsibility in fact. He would need to be consulted. She can't just 'give' the baby to whom she chooses, he is a parent too so will have a say.

Also, he will have a legal obligation to pay maintenence, as will your sister

You need to tell her this is nit quite as simple as she thinks.

discobeaver Sun 14-Nov-10 15:55:29

Does the father know she is pregnant? He sounds a piece of work. Sorry for this situation, you definitely need professional help.

k1r5t1e Sun 14-Nov-10 15:59:57

Thank you for your replys, first of all i know i am ready for this as i have previously tried for a family myself which ended in miscarriage at 3 months so i had already set myself up to be a mum. She is planning on returning to her previous childrens father and she has admitted she can not physically cope with anymore children as she has trouble coping with the ones she already has. She was on the pill so didnt expect to get caught pregnant. Have thought about adoption but need the consent of the father, she does not want to put the baby into the care of social services. I know maybe she will want the child back that is why im wondering if there is any legal rights i could obtain, i have previously seen a solicitor and they told me because she is not putting the child into the system for adoption she would have to keep the baby for up to 6months which she does not want. The father is a known drug addict and she believes the child would not be safe with him, she was unaware of the kind of man he is until she told him she wanted to leave him

Ealingkate Sun 14-Nov-10 16:02:09

What is your situation?? Would you be raising the child alone??

Suncottage Sun 14-Nov-10 16:05:55

I personally think a woman who has had children would not be able to give birth and hand over the child that easily.

A bond forms in pregnancy and the birth can be the moment when the mum changes her mind.

I am worried that you may want this child because of your loss, because of the blood ties and worried about the father being a loser.

How would you feel if you agreed to everything and legally it was all sewn up and your sister said no and kept the baby?

k1r5t1e Sun 14-Nov-10 16:09:26

no i wouldnt me and my partner of 5years are willing to give any needing child a safe home as i believe this is not what the child would have if my sister stayed where she is. Yes the father knows she is pregnant and he has threatened to kill her if she leaves with his child. Even before she was pregnant she was not allowed to leave or go anywhere without his say so, and as for the police they cannot do anything unless he has physically done something to my sister. I know he has rights as a father but he has nothing to offer this child, no home, no job...nothing

k1r5t1e Sun 14-Nov-10 16:10:55

she is hoping to have a miscarriage because she is scared of the situation she is in right now

PaisleyLeaf Sun 14-Nov-10 16:23:51

You are right to be worried about the violent baby's father seeking you/his baby out.
I don't know what to suggest.
I'm not sure she can decide he can't have his baby just because she doesn't want it. I hope you can find some proper advice.

GypsyMoth Sun 14-Nov-10 21:11:34

Fathers who are violent to their partners have no problems getting contact with their children through the courts.

It's nit as simple as 'he has no home, no job,nothing'....... He has every right to bring up his child if your sister won't, and every right to object to you.

dollylolly Thu 18-Nov-10 15:49:54

im not saying he has no rights all im saying is im sure social services wouldnt let him take the child from my sister if he himself has nowhere to live.

dollylolly Thu 18-Nov-10 15:53:30

and also she is not deciding he cannot have nothing to do with the child she has already told him he can as he is the father and understands a child needs a father but he has told her that he has her and the baby or he is taking the baby and leaving town....

TottWriter Thu 18-Nov-10 15:57:18

If he has threatened to kill her if she leaves, that is emotional abuse and the police can do something abuse isn't just restricted to physical violence.

I think you should call Women's Aid yourself on her behalf, now, and get some professional advice. She is pregnant and vulnerable and in danger. That is what Women's Aid is there to put a stop to.

TheFeministParent Thu 18-Nov-10 16:03:37

If she goes to see her GP and phones womensaid they can offer practical help.

dollylolly Thu 18-Nov-10 16:06:23

ok thank you will do it now

hairytriangle Thu 18-Nov-10 16:27:07

Can you not start out by having the child from birth, and then looking into adoption. I'm almost sure this is allowable without social services needing to take the child into care....

www.frg.org.uk/pdfs/12.%20immediate%20placements.p df

hairytriangle Thu 18-Nov-10 16:29:26

Plus... if she leaves now, then how will he find her ? If he is as vile as you say, then on this occasion I would consider completely cutting off, how would he then know anything about where she or the child are?

Laquitar Thu 18-Nov-10 16:49:19

Sorry but wouldn't be better to help/support her instead of adopting her baby?

dollylolly Thu 18-Nov-10 17:40:20

i have offered to support her in whatever she wants but she is adamant she does not want this baby as she cannot cope (her words not mine) i would adopt this child but i cannot do this without fathers consent... apparently he has told her because he was in the drug business he has got people that will find her for him, personally i think he talks alot of rubbish but my sister is scared and needs my help.

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