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AIBU?

to be hacked right off with DH?

19 replies

feralgirl · 13/11/2010 15:38

Right, I'm going to have a bit of a moan and probably make myself sound like a self-pitying, miserable old nag but I'm really annoyed and, for reasons that you'll see, I can't phone anyone to whinge so I have to type to let off steam!

I had three wisdom teeth out on Wednesday (hence can't talk very well for very long) and have now got a horrible infection for which I'm taking antibiotics which make me feel like crap. I'm swollen as hell and I've had a headache for four days.

Since Wednesday DH has done sweet FA around the house, for example I have just done the first nappy wash for three days; I have just removed the clean dry laundry from the kitchen that has been there since Wednesday; I hoovered through the whole of the upstairs of our house; I just put away the shopping that he dumped on the side in the kitchen; I did the washing-up on Wednesday and then cleared it away today because it was still out; plus various other chores and jobs that have been put off for ages blah blah blah.

In fairness, he has been at work some of the time (but he had the day off on Weds, finished early on Thurs, started late on Fri and had the day off today so he's been home plenty) and he is thoroughly crap at doing anything around the house so my expectations are low anyway.

What I am really about is that he just asked me if I was OK while I was putting on the laundry and when I said "not really" and told him why (and I swear to GOD that I was unconfrontational; tbh I haven't got the energy to be pissed off) he got incredibly angry, shouted at me and has stormed out with DS.

So AIBU and a self-pitying idiot or AIB reasonable and right to be full of righteous rage?!

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OldLadyKnowsNothing · 13/11/2010 15:44

Hmm, did you ask/tell him to so any of the laundry, housework and so on? YANBU to be annoyed he didn't just do it anyway, like a proper grown-up, but some men need things pointed out to them.

mamas12 · 13/11/2010 15:45

Go to bed, stay there on the way take your favourite books chocs, dvds etc. and do not get out at all for the rest of the weekend.

feralgirl · 13/11/2010 15:45

True. I stupidly didn't ask. But he tends to get pissed off with me if I give him a list of chores as well. Feels like I'm in charge and giving him orders.

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Ooopsadaisy · 13/11/2010 15:47

I don't know if you have any other children or how old they are but I would go and stay a nice friendly B&B. Turn off your phone. Spend a couple of days doing things you love. Are you owed a bit of time from work? - then use it! Let him see what needs to be done and what happens when no-one does it. I have done this once and it worked. I have kept my tongue and my temper and therefore my dignity, but made my point. He had to do everything - make lunchboxes, work out his childcare so he could go to work, shop, cook, iron school uniform etc. On my return I have thanked him for allowing me take some time out (although, of course he was never consulted) and carried on as normal. Point made, nothing said in heat of the argument that anyone regretted.

feralgirl · 13/11/2010 15:47

Good advice mamas12 but I did that for two days and you should see the state of my house

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TmiEdward · 13/11/2010 15:47

mama12 has the right idea.
Go and look after yourself.

feralgirl · 13/11/2010 15:48

Ooh, oops, my mum and dad are away so I could just leave and go over there I suppose

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ChippingIn · 13/11/2010 15:49

What a twat.

As a comparison...

I had my wisdom teeth out when I was 20, I was flatting. My boyfriend (been together 4 years by then, so no first flush) stayed at mine (was there most of the time anyway, but still), made sure I had painkillers, cups of tea, easy to eat food, entertained me, held me when it hurt so much I didn't know what to do with myself and was generally a complete star.... he was 23, a boyfriend and not at all housetrained and he could manage all of that.

Your DH should be thoroughly ashamed of himself.

feralgirl · 13/11/2010 15:50

FFS. I had to drive to Boots to buy my own sodding painkillers yesterday. Was so out of it I nearly killed myself as well...

Now I am really really

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ChippingIn · 13/11/2010 15:52

Don't be daft - he's a grown man with a child, you shouldn't need to ask him to run the hoover around, put the washing away that's in the kitchen or wash some nappies.

Men are different, but they aren't that fucking stupid.

I am so angry on your behalf and on behalf of all the other women who live with men like this.... grrrr

Ooopsadaisy · 13/11/2010 15:55

If you go to your parents, he will guess where you are. I deliberately went somewhere neutral and that he wouldn't think of. I left a note so he didn't worry or call the police but made it quite clear that I would be back when I was ready. DO NOT DRIVE IF YOU ARE MEDICATED - GET A TAXI.

feralgirl · 13/11/2010 15:57

I know I shouldn't have to ask.

TBH it's always like this. I work twice the hours DH does for nearly twice the money. He works part time and is therfore supposedly responsible for most of the housework and stuff like that but I know that I do way more than my share. He gets time off in the evenings when I'm working and I just ever have any time to myself at all.

I guess being ill for four days (I'm never ill) has brought it to a head.

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feralgirl · 13/11/2010 15:58

Haven't got enough money to go to a B&B. Or get a taxi for that matter.

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ChippingIn · 13/11/2010 16:01

You need to have words.

The whole situation needs sorting out. It's not on that you are working twice the hours he is and are still doing the lions share of the housework.

Does he work part time to look after DS or do you work evenings/nights meaning he could work full time?

feralgirl · 13/11/2010 16:06

I'm a teacher so I work all day then look after DS when I get home then do school work when DS is in bed, (while DH plays on XBox).

DH works four days a week so he can look after DS tfor two days while I'm at work and then I have DS at weekends.

He is supposed to do housework while DS is napping in afternoons but is so crap at it or just doesn't bother that I end up re-doing it and not telling him - and doing my school work - at weekends. When there are school hols, I do everything.

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feralgirl · 13/11/2010 16:09

I know we need to sort it out but he'll just get incredibly angry and make out that nothing he ever does is good enough for me and I am just a horrible nag.

Think I will just go back to bed with a book now. If he's a twunt when he gets home then I'll quietly pack a bag and go elsewhere until Monday.

Thanks for support everyone, I feel a bit better now.

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ChippingIn · 13/11/2010 16:13

I'm glad you feel a bit more 'supported' :)

When you are better you need to talk to him, tell him that shouting and blaming you are not going to change the fact that you are unhappy and if things don't change then you might decide it's just not worth it.

Don't allow his shouting and 'nag' accusations to stop you making your point and making sure he hears it. It's his 'way out' of addressing the real problem - over ride it.

Niecie · 13/11/2010 16:20

Definitely go away for a few days if you can use your parents' house. Don't try and discuss it now, wait until you are well again.

TBH I wouldn't have expected DH to hoover (too noisy) or maybe even put the clean washing away but he needed to wash the nappies, put the shopping away and do the washing up. That has to be the bare minimum. If he couldn't even do that or go and get you painkillers he ought to be ashamed of himself.

Wisdom teeth troubles are grim and infected ones doubly so - I've been there but thankfully pre children and without the infection but weeks of pain before hand. Really not nice so much sympathy.

Be kind to yourself.

zipzap · 13/11/2010 18:28

He seems to have got a 'heads I win, tails you lose' attitude to doing housework etc it seems - he won't take any initiative to do any himself - I assume that if he doesn't think to help out when his other half is feeling really rough then he really won't when everything is ticking along normally - and yet if you ask him to do something he blows up angrily and refuses to do anything...

Does he just hate housework (either because he hates doing it or wants to do other stuff or thinks that it is not his job as his dad never did it or some other excuse?) or does he genuinely not see that there is something that needs to be done?

Could you stick a list of all tasks up - and each of you cross off the ones you have done - with a name so you can see who did what! - so that he doesn't need to be 'told' what needs to be done and thus can't take umbrage, but - if he can see what needs to be done and pick something to do (assuming he has the inclination!)

good luck - sounds like you have been in a real no-win situation, hope it manages to get sorted soon!

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