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to be disappointed in grandads lack of interest...

(12 Posts)
Scarlett175 Fri 12-Nov-10 07:21:02

to fill in history-

me and my dad have always been very close (daddys girl here) special days out etc, and even closer when mum got suddenly ill in 2006 and passed away very quickly. After this we took dad on hols with us and basically rallied round to support him.

BUT very soon after mums death (3 months) he started seeing someone else which upset me greatly due to his teenage behaviour etc. Since then we have had ups and downs (mainly downs) as I don't get on great with new lady although I think I have made a big effort recently, invited her over for sunday lunch, met up with them, as my dad seems to do EVERYTHING with her.

DD was born in April this year- in Feb my dad moved 130 miles away which again upset me. Since DD has been here he has seen her aprox 6 times. When we meet up he doesn't ever want to hold her, cuddle her.He has stopped calling me ever, occasionally emails random pics of places he is visiting, never asks how she is. He does turn up with big pressies for her (bought her travel system etc) but simply does not seem interested?

am I expecting too much?

ZZZenAgain Fri 12-Nov-10 07:32:45

I'm sorry, I think your mother's death was such a shock, he is throwing himself into the new relationship to blank it all out and is not really aware of what is going on around him otherwise. Very hard for you

How old is your father?

onceamai Fri 12-Nov-10 09:00:42

This is really sad for you and perhaps you are also upset that this lady has taken over your mum's place to some extent. Not sure men of your dad's sort of age can empathise with a new baby in the way that a mum can though. Can you have a talk with him about how you feel in a neutral place and keep it all cool and calm - much easier said than done.

OTH, your dad is trying to build a new life for himself and this at least allows you to get on with yours and to build your own family unit in an independent way. There may be a time in the future, perhaps when you have two or three children and are very committed when you might be pleased that your dad has someone other than you to rely on. Teenage children and widowed parents, getting creaky and forgetful isn't the greatest formula.

Animation Fri 12-Nov-10 09:08:05

I can understand why you were upset when he started a new relationship only 3 months after your mum died. That's very quick. Then he moved away and now he's showing little interest you or your baby. You must feel double abandoned.

Scarlett175 Fri 12-Nov-10 09:25:30

my dad is 63 and to be honest i am pleased he has met someone else, she isn't someone I would be friends with or choose IYSWIM, but yes there is some relief that he isn't alone.

I just don't understand the general non-communication- if I call him he doesn't answer his phone as I get the impression we can't have a real chat in front of the new lady, and he just never calls. I feel really sad for DD- I know my mum would be round all the time and making massive effort, but he literally has held DD once, and whilst he/she have offered to babysit, I would not feel comfortable leaving her with them, as she has seen them so little and is going through a bit of seperation anxiety at the moment.

Its tough also because my brother lives overseas, and I think having my own daughter has made me miss my mum a lot.

we have talked about this (in the past) many times, and he doesn't see that he has done anything wrong, and thinks I am causing needless arguments.

CrazyPlateLady Fri 12-Nov-10 09:40:39

He has seen more of your DD than my ILs who live 5 minutes up the road.

YANBU to feel this way. It must be very hard for you to see him with someone else and realise that he has someone else who is important in his life now.

He is probably thinking that life is short and is trying to make the most of the time that we all have.

My dad doesn't phone me. I think men in general aren't really phone people so while it bothers me sometimes I try not to read too much into it.

I think a lot of this is coming from you missing your mum and missing having her around when you have a DD and you know she would have been helping. Unfortunately your dad isn't going to take over the role that your mum would have filled.

Animation Fri 12-Nov-10 09:48:18

Scarlet - yes, it sounds like you're grieving your mum - and you particularly miss her now - now you have a baby.

I suspect your dad hasn't even started the grieving process - he avoided it by meeting up with someone else real quick.

onceamai Fri 12-Nov-10 09:52:34

Hi Scarlett - I've been thinking about you in the shower and your post affirms what I was going to post. I had my dc a long time ago now (15 and 11) but I do remember how being a mum for the first time brought back a lot of things that I hadn't properly dealt with when I was younger. You are coming to terms with being a new mummy as well as everything else at the moment and this has brought your grief over your mum and the issues you perceive around your dad to the fore. I think you are going through a more complex time than the issue of your dad tbh and it is probably exaggerated at the moment because the first xmas with dd is coming up and you have the realisation that life will never be the same again.

I think this will pass with time and you will move on to build a different life that focuses on your own family unit which your happy childhood will help you to do. I hope you will be able to resolve the issues with your dad because tbh it sounds as though he's not too happy with the way things are either but it does sound like he's there for you and ready to help if only the two of you can resolve your grief and build a bridge.

I remember when my dc were 5ish absently mindedly chatting to my mum and saying by default because I was in the habit with DH - love you at the end of the call. She phoned me back an hour later and sobbed and said I hadn't said that since I was a little girl and it had meant so much to her.

Nothing stays the same, you will deal with this, hopefully with a bridge between you and your dad but at the mo it just isn't like you dreamt it would be.

Hope it all smooths out. Good luck. Would do hugs if knew how.

badfairy Fri 12-Nov-10 09:55:57

I also think if Grandad is no longer with Grandma, for what ever reason ( in my case it's through divorce on both sides) they do tend to drift. My dad is a bit better than FIL but he has only seen the boys about 6 times this year ( FIL 2x!) They just don't seem to have the bond or desire to be involved. When they are with the boys they are great but just don't seem to be that bothered that it's not that often.

pinkdelight Fri 12-Nov-10 09:56:24

YANBU at all and it must be very upsetting. If it's of any comfort, it's not all that unusual for granddads to be less interested at the baby stage. I can see why there might be more to it in your case, but still, six visits since April is a fair effort and dads (men in general) tend to be less good at keeping in touch. My dad was like this but has completely transformed as my DS has got a bit older and is more fun to visit and play with. Whilst they're babies, it's the grandmas who tend to be more involved, which is why you'll be feeling your mum's absence so especially keenly. Hang in there and don't give up hope.

Scarlett175 Fri 12-Nov-10 22:34:34

thanks everyone for their replies, and Onceamai hope you still had a relaxing shower!

I think maybe it is different for grandads, and to be honest he does seem a little intimidated by her tinyness at the moment, I hope you are right Pinkdelight and this changes with time. I have had a few comments from friends this week about DD's seperation anxiety, which has only really come on the last 2 weeks which I think has made me feel a bit guilty about the lack of extended family we have around us, as apart from a few close friends its really just us, and DD. All in all, maybe I am being a bit overly sensitive with loads of things going on at the mo...

hope everyone is having a nice evening

x

onceamai Fri 12-Nov-10 23:19:17

Glad you posted again to let us know how you are. Please accept the offer of help - they might both be trying to build a bridge you know. She just aint your mum, never will be -never can be, but she's keeping your dad happy and that might turn out to be what matters.

Bless you all.

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