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To Tell My Aunt Her Husband Is A Paedophile?

(35 Posts)
familyupsidedown Thu 11-Nov-10 17:34:38

Sorry, it might be long. blush

One of my Aunts, the youngest, E, has recently disclosed to my Mother that she was sexually abused as a young child by their older brother and also by another Aunts, L's, now husband. E has had a borderline drink problem for years and has obviously struggled to cope, having never even told her DH, who she thought would no longer lover her.

My Mother discussed with my other Aunt, R, and R said that L's DH had also abused her. Both my aunts were aged about 10-14 when this happened and it happened repeatedly. My Uncle has admitted the abuse, he is apparently getting private help and has been for years. He has no children and isn't around any as far as we know, he lives abroad.

L has several daughters, who are now having DC of their own. There was also an 'incident' some years back where one of L's daughters went to E saying her father had been physically abusing her and 'jumping up and down on her stomach' in case she was pregnant as she'd slept with her boyfriend. E contacted social services and L didn't speak to her for years.

Anyway, the upshot is that my Aunts are reluctant to tell L as they feel she will deny it has happened and say they are lying. (this is what happened when her DH assaulted her daughter and social services did nothing as the DD ended up saying she'd made it up) I however, feel that L has a right to know and that also social services should probably be involved as this man is around children that may need protection. L has a lot of influence over her DD's. I do feel a little like I am sticking my nose in though and that my Aunts/Mother should have more time to deal with this, but I am not sure if E and R would prefer to 'sweep it under the carpet' and forget about it all. I appreciate they are victims, but there are children that may be at risk here.

Would I be unreasonable to contact L myself and also social services?

colditz Thu 11-Nov-10 17:35:41

YANBU

WassaAxolotl Thu 11-Nov-10 17:36:27

Could you call the NSPCC for advice on what to do, and who to contact?

overmydeadbody Thu 11-Nov-10 17:42:39

Chances are L will be in denial and not believe you, or already knows and will pretend it isn't real. From what you've said, if she didn't do anything when her own daughter was assaulted by her husband she's not going to react kindly to you telling her he's a paedophile as well.

AgentZigzag Thu 11-Nov-10 17:51:23

On the one side there is the risk to the children, and on the other the possible hurt to an adult, I know which one I would choose.

I can't imagine it'll be an easy conversation, but if you didn't say anything it'd be weighing on your conscience.

If she doesn't believe you there's not a lot you can do (aside from contacting the authorities or NSPCC) but at least you'll know you've done the right thing.

You're in a difficult position, but a position that may stop this happening to other children, the man/men must be stopped thinking it can be covered up and is 'normal' because it isn't.

begonyabampot Thu 11-Nov-10 18:03:04

he deserves whatever is coming, considering that he still poses a huge danger your aunt will just have to deal with it though she might know something and be ignoring it.

My mum and her friend were assaulted in the public loos by a neighbour when they were young (luckily my mum ran away but her friend didn't). Many knew what had happened, he was caught with the girl when my mum brought help but no-one wanted to hurt his old mum so it was all swept under the carpet (don't know if they took their own revenge) This sort of thing happened all the time back then - it shouldn't now.

LaWeaselMys Thu 11-Nov-10 18:13:39

Definately you - and preferably the rest of your family need to get in contact with the appropriate authorities where he lives.

It sounds harsh but I probably wouldn't tell L that you're going to do this. She didn't believe when it was her own child... What if she knows and tries to help him cover it up?

Bucharest Thu 11-Nov-10 18:23:23

Something similar happened in my family.

My half-sister got together with someone that I knew had been in prison (juvenile) for abusing a child he was "babysitting". My half-sis had a 6 yr old daughter at the time.

I told her and she said it hadn't been him, but his father. hmm This family lived on the next road to me, and I knew them well enough to know that wasn't the case.

Although it's not the same as your situation, and AFAIK, this man didn't abuse my half-niece while he and my half-sister were together, I felt she ought to know about his past. (and I am not a hang'em and flog'em type at all)

What my half-sis decided to do with the knowledge was her business, and she chose to do nothing. But I slept at night, knowing my conscience was clear.

You know that this person has abused many times, and different people, so yes, you must tell whoever needs to be told.

Good luck. smile

jybay Thu 11-Nov-10 18:26:44

I'm afraid I agree with laweasel - if you warn L she may try to cover his tracks and/or pressurise her daughters not to disclose any abuse.

I think you need to go straight to the NSPCC or social services. Good luck - what a horrible situation for you.

AgentZigzag Thu 11-Nov-10 20:11:09

'What my half-sis decided to do with the knowledge was her business, and she chose to do nothing'

I think that's what I was trying to say bucharest, so long as she has all the information, it's up to her what she does with it.

But then some of these types of men are very good at constructing a veneer of respectability around themselves and their lives, and can lie at the drop of a hat to make everything seem above board and safe.

ccpccp Fri 12-Nov-10 08:58:48

"Would I be unreasonable to contact L myself and also social services?"

Yes you would.

If the victims want to do this, then they should do it. They are closer to L and it is their lives you are going to disrupt.

There is nothing stopping you from convincing THEM to report it however. But reporting it when they dont want it reporting would be out of line.

Unless of course, you know for sure that the uncle is still a risk to children? But I think you said he now lives abroad, is getting help, and has no child contact?

ENormaSnob Fri 12-Nov-10 09:06:00

Yanbu

Presumably he will come into contact with a child at some point.

Children are at risk. Report.

JingleTits Fri 12-Nov-10 09:10:58

ccpccp read the post again, she said the other one is abroad and getting help. The one shes talking about is still around children and turns out there are more victims, two aunts and his DD! i guarentee theres more and hes still a risk. I think ccpccp is talking rubbish, its tuff if they dont want to do anything about it. I think UANBU to contact the relivent authoritys OP! do it now and stop this -hideous- man ruining more lives!

Good Luck!

ccpccp Fri 12-Nov-10 09:23:04

There are two abusing uncles involved? I have to admit the OP is a little hard to follow.

Like I said - if there is risk to children then report it. If there isnt, then its up to the victims to report it, or at the very least agree to have it reported. However if they want to sweep it under the carpet then that is their right. You are of course within your rights to report it anyway, but dont expect them to be happy about it.

familyupsidedown Fri 12-Nov-10 10:27:07

ccpccp, I appreciate my aunts are victims themselves (I too was sexually abused as a child, by my stepfather) but neither were prepared to do anything when his three daughters were living in the home with him and IMO are now acting like idiots. R won't go and see L without E present as 'she was the one who decided to bring it all out' and E is very timid by nature and is finding any excuse not to confront L.

Honestly, how would you feel knowing yur family knew your DH was a paedophile and didn't tell you? (assuming L has no clue)

As far as I know, there are no children at immediate risk at present, although I am not entirely sure as I don't see that part of the family often.

I think my Mum is hoping to convince my Aunts to speak to L about this. What I find odd is that L knows that her brother abused E as a child, because he rang her and told her, and yet she hasn't contacted E to see if she is OK, or anyone else in the family. R still wants to stay in contact with her brother, dispite what he has done, which I also find odd.

The whole situation is pretty fucked up really.

JingleTits Fri 12-Nov-10 12:54:33

OP just do it, how would your Aunt feel if she finds out in years to come her DC's were abused by him and you knew and could have done something about it??? Just do it, someone has to and its not going to be them. Im sorry but if hes done it this many times then he'll be out there somewhere doing it again!! You will upset many people but you could be potentially saving alot of others from abuse, heartache too.

Youve been through it so you know how it feels! Save someone from experiencing this also.

GruffalosGirl Fri 12-Nov-10 13:12:40

He is not cured and he will do this for the rest of his life if he is given the opportunity. I would not be risking having another child's life destroyed by this. It sounds like there is the possibility of him having access to children so I would personally feel I had to try and tell SS. It is probably likely they can't do anything without people coming forward to give statements at this time but they will still keep a record of your concerns and if anything suspicious happens in the future they will have this to refer to. I would contact the NSPCC and follow whatever advice they give you.

ccpccp Fri 12-Nov-10 13:28:26

Get the victims to do it OP. Sounds like you are nearly there with convincing them anyway. L is likely to react very badly, so let those with a part in the story be the players.

As jingletits says, its not fair on L if she doesnt know as her husband could still be predatory. At the same time, you are about to destroy her world. Its an awful situation and you have my sympathy.

AgentZigzag Fri 12-Nov-10 13:33:37

I can understand what ccpccp is saying, it did cross my mind that those who have already been victim to these men could be quite fragile with regards to what happened to them, and they're not going to be happy with it being brought back into their life again.

They might have learned to live with what happened and don't want the men to intrude on the lives they've managed to build for themselves.

But OTOH, although they might not be able to bring themselves to do something themselves, they might want to stop other children having to go through what they did.

Ultimately though, any potential victims must be protected, the men can only operate in their deviant world by people staying quiet, and even though I understand it's not a black and white situation, those potential victims should always come above what your aunts think or feel about it.

AgentZigzag Fri 12-Nov-10 13:34:32

x posts with you ccpccp

umf Fri 12-Nov-10 13:44:51

So Aunt L's DH has abused Aunt E, Aunt R, and one of his own daughters? And he is now having grandchildren, whom you fear are at risk of abuse?

No, YANBU. Contact NSPCC and SS. As for who to talk to in the family, I dunno. Depends too much on personalities? Sounds like Aunt L has been pretty firmly in denial up to this point.

umf Fri 12-Nov-10 13:48:12

But take AgentZigzag and ccpccp's points. No point in contacting anyone if previous victims aren't on board.

chandra Fri 12-Nov-10 13:55:32

Just read the OP, but it is my impression that your aunt L knows already who she is married to but has decided to turn a blind eye even if he is abusing her own daughter.

I would skip her and go straight to whomever needs to deal with this, but to be honest... I don't know what that authority might be... unless there is shocking evidence that abuse IS taking place, probably they will file your report to gather dust until someone else reported him for a more serious/recent related offence.

ChippingIn Fri 12-Nov-10 16:02:44

If any children are at risk you have a moral obligation to report him, it is not just up to the current victims - as harsh as that may sound. You have to protect those who can still be protected.

begonyabampot Fri 12-Nov-10 16:26:54

feel for you Op. you are truly between a rock and a hard place. Your Aunt sounds no help, if you tell your aunts your thoughts and worries they might decide to cooperate but can understand if they want nothing to do with it as they have tried to rebuild their own lives. In the end., it might fall to you to report what you know to prevent any present ot future abuse and I doubt you will be able to walk away from this after raising it. Unfortunately, be prepared for major fall out and you could very much be left out in the cold with regards to your family. But, canm you really afford not to.

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