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by making DP do all the housework?

(125 Posts)
Beb Thu 11-Nov-10 11:05:11

DP is unemployed, and we have no children. I work full time, plus a volunteering job, so work approx 60hours per week.

Since DP has been unemployed (about 3months), we have been living off my salary alone, which is manageable. He starts a new job after Christmas, so we have decided there is no point in him looking for anything for the next 8weeks, and we will continue to live as we are until then. As I am the one working full time to support us, I have been expecting him to do all the housework, cooking and cleaning - jobs that were previously split 50/50 when we were both working.

DP is not happy with this, and refers to me as 'lazy' quite a lot. He constantly points out 'you haven't picked up the hoover in months' etc, but I think I'm entitled to do nothing around the house, since I now see that as his 'job'.

I am fully prepared to accept that I am being unreasonable, so... am I?

hillyhilly Thu 11-Nov-10 11:06:44

YANBU, he's being ridiculous

dexter73 Thu 11-Nov-10 11:06:50

I think it is fair enough for him to do the housework. How much can there be if it is just him in the house all day?

Bue Thu 11-Nov-10 11:14:43

We're in the exact same situation as you right now. We moved towns for DH's job recently - he works similar hours to you, if not longer, and I am waiting to start something in the new year. I've been doing pretty much everything around the house since the move, and we have had a couple of blow-up fights about it.

The trouble is that emotionally I feel very put upon, like a 1950s housewife. Intellectually, however, I know that it is fair game and I would expect the same from him in the reverse situation.

I know it sounds like there's not a lot to do with just two people, but I am sometimes shocked at the amount of washing we can create, not to mention the endless cooking, piles of dishes etc. You really can end up feeling like a maid.

So in short, no YANBU. But perhaps have a chat with him and let him know you appreciate what he is doing and can understand it from his side too.

wb Thu 11-Nov-10 11:20:56

Depends. If you are expecting him to do all the housework and all the childcare then it depends on the no. and ages of your children.

A 5 year old and a 7 year old - in school all day - fine, YANBU.

A 1 year old and 3 year old twins, then yeah, I think a bit of help evenings/weekends would be reasonable.

ElephantsAndMiasmas Thu 11-Nov-10 11:21:29

YANBU to expect him to do the majority during the week. But YABU if you expect him to do everything at the weekends too, in terms of cooking etc. I have been in this situation and would feel like DP was taking the piss if expected to be waited on at the weekend purely because I am temporarily financially dependent on him.

Also think about if the situation were reversed in the future - if you were on ML for instance. Do as you would be done by and all that.

wb Thu 11-Nov-10 11:21:43

blush - ignore that, have now re-read your post. YANBU

Chil1234 Thu 11-Nov-10 11:23:44

YANBU, especially if there are no children to ferry about or look after. You'd think he'd enjoy having something to do with all that spare time. Make sure you express appreciation, of course. No-one likes being a skivvy...

frgr Thu 11-Nov-10 11:23:46

YANBU. your H should step in to help out with the housework if he's at home with no childcare duties and you're working 60 hours a week.

would he expect it in return? i'm pretty sure most men would (and women, since i think it's logical).

yama Thu 11-Nov-10 11:27:20

YABU - he is not your servant. What will happen when he goes back to work? You will still be working 60 hours wont you?

notquitenormal Thu 11-Nov-10 11:28:00

He should be doing the housework, but he shouldn't be expected to clean up after you. And he shouldn't have to do all the cooking/washing up.

So if it's hoovering, dusting, cleaning the bathroom, laundry etc....fine.

If it's taking your dirty plates out, doing your ironing, cleaning your toothpaste out of the sink etc...not fine.

And having to cook & clean up after every single day is grim if your not wild about cooking. I wouldn't do it.

earwicga Thu 11-Nov-10 11:34:18

Logically it makes sense for him to do it all but if I were in his position I wouldn't like it. So I can't decide.

RealityBomb Thu 11-Nov-10 11:37:05

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

rodformyownback Thu 11-Nov-10 11:42:00

I think YABU. DH and I have taken turns at being the SAHP over the last 3 years. When he was at home I expected him to do everything, but when he got a full time job and I cut my hours, I was offended that he expected me to pick up the slack. I realised I was being a hypocrite and try to do most of the housework at the moment.

Obviously he should do the bulk of the work in your current situation, but if you don't do anything at all it will make him feel like he's your servant and that you resent keeping him. I can't imagine you would be happy filling a "housewife" role if the situation were the other way around.

ZombiePlan Thu 11-Nov-10 11:54:41

Is your DH actually suggesting that you continue to split everything 50-50, regardless of the fact that you work and he doesn't? If so, that sounds v unreasonable. You work a 60 hour week. What does your DH do during that time? If he is spending most of the time doing things for himself then I think YANBU - he should not have significantly more leisure time than you do. If he is in fact doing other stuff (e.g. volunteering etc) then I would be inclined to give him a break and share the work.

SkeletonFlowers Thu 11-Nov-10 11:59:47

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

VinegarTits Thu 11-Nov-10 12:01:42

YABU reagrdless of whether he has a job or not, he is NOT the hired help!

Bue Thu 11-Nov-10 12:03:24

Agree that weekends are a totally different story. When you're both at home relaxing, you need to be pulling your weight too. He's not a servant.

coppertop Thu 11-Nov-10 12:06:26

Fair enough for your dp to do the housework during your working hours but YABU to expect him to do everything. Why should you have evenings/weekends to yourself when your dp doesn't?

I also think you're being a little misleading with the working hours. The 60 hours you mentioned also includes the voluntary work which presumably is something you've chosen to do and doesn't actually bring any money in.

ToniSoprano Thu 11-Nov-10 12:21:58

If he was a woman and you were a man, would you still think these domestic expectations were OK?

ToniSoprano Thu 11-Nov-10 12:23:32

What I mean is, if a man was telling me that is was my duty/job to do the housework because he was out at work all day etc - I'd tell him to do one!

greentig3r Thu 11-Nov-10 12:29:08

I can see both sides- DP and I have generally split the household tasks unevenly. He's always worked slightly shorter hours and no commute, so has had more time in the house to do things, so would deal with the washing up and laundry. At weekends I would do the bathroom, and give the kitchen a thorough scrub to get the bits he misses.

Now I'm on ML, I don't expect him to come home and have to do housework, because his wage will be supporting us as a family and that's one of the ways I choose to show my appreciation. It wouldn't feel right to me to let him come home and do what I could have easily done in the daytime. I'd rather spend the time doing something nice together.

I could see how some people would feel differently though. Your DP won't have this time again, maybe he wants to spend it pursuing an interest or just doing nothing.

To me, a relationship is exactly that- the way your values and qualities relate, it isn't something you have despite the way you relate.

Bumpsadaisie Thu 11-Nov-10 12:33:50

If your DP had kids at home with him too, then I think you would be being unreasonable.

But given that you are just talking about washing, cleaning and cooking for 2 adults, then seems fair enough.

Don't forget though that job hunting in itself does take up time, though.

nameymcnamechange Thu 11-Nov-10 12:37:33

YABU!

Who would clean the toilet if you lived on your own? You bloody would. Can't believe I'm reading this with my own eyes.

all the housework
all the cooking
all the shopping

you are taking the mickey my love.

mendipgirl Thu 11-Nov-10 12:54:02

YANBU

In the 60 hours a week that you work he can get all of this done. If he was looking for work I would cut him more slack but he already has a job sorted so has nothign else to do. I can understand he doesn't like it, but I think for the next 8 weeks he should just do it. I agree though re sharing cooking etc. at weekends though.

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