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to not want to be told how to run my own home?

(59 Posts)
Ladyanonymous Tue 09-Nov-10 16:04:14

OH is in the forces, lives on base 50 miles away in a room with an en-suite and he has a cleaner. He has 3 kids, none of them live with him. He stays here every weekend Friday to Monday.

I work full time I have 3 kids who live with me and I have my own 4 bed house (over 3 floors). The house is mine not jointly owned.

OH's kids come and stay here a couple of times a month. We split the food bill when he is here but I pay the mortgage, gas, electric, council tax, TV licence, phone, Sky, broadband etc etc.

I get the house ready for him and when they come his kids. I also do all the cooking as OH cannot cook hmm. Essentially it is gradually becoming his home.

I am not anal about cleaning nor am I a complete slut - my house is lived in although sometimes things slip a bit. Due to simply not having enough time, and not really needing to live in a show home. Admittedly my 13, 11 and 8yr olds should help more, I am trying to get that into place gradually without introducing a regime which involves me barking orders at them about washing up, homework etc the minute they get in the door. As a single mum I would like a good balance.

Recently more and more OH has started nit picking about domestic chores I haven't done in my own home and having a go saying I should get my kids to help out more - to the point he has begun to start on them a bit himself when he is here at the weekends, yet not making his own kids help either (ok 2 of them are only 6 and 4 but there are little things they could also do to contribute, just so there isn't a massive divison between his kids and mine). Often when his kids are here he spends a lot of time on the ccomputer downlaoding stuff while I cook etc hmm.

AIBU and to feel resentful and pissed off about the way he is behaving and how do I respond and make my point without turning every minor domestic chore into a row???

Flisspaps Tue 09-Nov-10 16:06:31

YANBU. You should tell him this is how it is, if he doesn't like it he can bugger off back to base.

Hedgeblunder Tue 09-Nov-10 16:07:40

Tell him to get fucked.
He sounds like a sponging control freak.

JaxTellersOldLady Tue 09-Nov-10 16:09:10

YANBU, Ask him to hire you a cleaner if your standards are not up to scratch... alternatively tell him to wind his neck in or HELP you.

prettyfly1 Tue 09-Nov-10 16:09:24

Tell him to do one. If it is that bad now its a slippery slope downhill. If you are happy with your arrangements it is your business and you need answer to noone!

Ragwort Tue 09-Nov-10 16:09:56

Why are you with him?

Ladyanonymous Tue 09-Nov-10 16:11:00

grin JaxTellersOldLady

Sarsaparilllla Tue 09-Nov-10 16:11:47

I think he's really bloody rude!!

Tell him if he doesn't like he it should have his kids to stay in his room on base (which he clearly can't!!)

Ladyanonymous Tue 09-Nov-10 16:12:15

This is the one main aspect of our relationship that pisses me off - there are many other aspects which are great - He does help when asked - but I have to ask about 3 times and then I begin to feel like a bit of a nag...

LindyHemming Tue 09-Nov-10 16:13:24

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheChamomileLawn Tue 09-Nov-10 16:13:28

Get rid. What's the point of him?

Ladyanonymous Tue 09-Nov-10 16:16:00

grin Euphemia - or maybe I should just show him this thread - I know he would be genuinely upset to be percieved like that.

classydiva Tue 09-Nov-10 16:18:47

Maybe he doesnt like dirt and likes a tidy place. When he works all week tis nice for him to come somewhere that is clean and tidy, and tbh being a working single mum is no excuse.

My kids never done anything and why should they they are kids. All I ever asked was they brought their plates out and put any wrappers in the bin, they also put their dirty clothes in the washing basket, kids shouldnt have to do anything else.

It is easy for you cos you been on your own for a while but if you want to share your life with anybody you do have to compromise a bit.

Seems you want it all your way cos it is YOUR house. How unwelcoming is that?

saffy85 Tue 09-Nov-10 16:20:51

Suggest to him that he do it himself if you are not up to the job. After all, if a job is worth doing, it's worth doing right. You then sit back with a huge glass of wine and mumsnet. smile

Tee2072 Tue 09-Nov-10 16:21:32

hmm Classydiva.

Remind me to stay away from your kids when they are adults and can't do anything for themselves. Thanks.

Lady I would tell him how it is. Or how he can get on with it if he doesn't like how it is.

littletreesmum Tue 09-Nov-10 16:24:24

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Caboodle Tue 09-Nov-10 16:25:37

Classydiva, you are being sarky - right? If not hmm
Lady, yanbu.

classydiva Tue 09-Nov-10 16:26:53

I have kids of 22 and 17, the 22 year old lived away from home at Uni for 3 years, he can do everything for hmself.

Kids are only kids once why force them to grow up early.

classydiva Tue 09-Nov-10 16:27:28

I just never had kids to be slaves for me, clean up after themselves sure, but me? No thanks.

Ladyanonymous Tue 09-Nov-10 16:29:26

They aren't slaves, they are part of our family or community and need to learn that they have to contribute to that. Should my sons be allowed to sit on their arses and do nothing until they take a wife to do it for them? hmm

Maybe thats what OH's mum did........

mumbar Tue 09-Nov-10 16:29:27

Yes perhaps a list of things to be done over an hour where everybody inc his DCs have a job whilst you cook for them all. Once its done then an activity with all of you - walk in the woods or whatever.

Perhaps that way the dc's see that chores done = fun time.

Dylthan Tue 09-Nov-10 16:33:24

If he has a cleaner would I be right in saying he's an officer?
(I was in the forces and certainly never had a cleaner so unless things for the lower ranks have come on leaps and bounds I'm making this assumption sorry if it's wrong)

if he is an officer then he tells people what to do for a living and probably dosen't relise what he is doing so a simple gentle reminder would probably suffice.

Oh and the issue of being clean and tidy is ingrained from the moment you set foot on camp to do your basic training ime.

He probably dosen't mean any harm but if a gentle reminder that you and your dc are not "his men" then you need to do some serious thinking about what kind of person he is and what he'll expect of you in the future.

ShirleyKnot Tue 09-Nov-10 16:33:37


Littlefish Tue 09-Nov-10 16:34:52

But Classy - it is her house.

They are not married.

He does not live there.

He has no right to criticise her housekeeping standards.

Ormirian Tue 09-Nov-10 16:35:58

if he doesn't like it tell him to get scrubbing or pay for a cleaner! Bloody cheek angry

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