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When one of your best friend befriends another lady who you cannot stand..

(23 Posts)
Irishchic Mon 08-Nov-10 22:53:47

I know this sounds a bit playgroundish but...hear me out.

My dh is a healthcare professional, and also runs family business. We live in a small town. A couple of years ago, another man in the same business made a false allegation against my dh to the regulatory body for their profession and this resulted in 9 months of very stressful times for us as he was investigated and subsequently cleared completely, but the whole business took 9 months to complete and was very hard on my dh.

Fast forward 2 years, and my best friend has become friends with the wife of the man who made the allegations against my dh. My friend knows about this, but feels that the man's wife is totally unaware of what her husband did and therefore is innocent, and she enjoys her company and sees nothing wronh with this.

I suppose there is nothing wrong with it, but it is hard for me, as she frequently includes her in nights out, coffees, walks etc, and I really do not like this lady, partly due to prejudice if I am honest, cos of what her husband did, but even without that I know her to be a very bitchy, snobby and nosey person, who loves nothing better than to discuss other peoples business.

Should I say anything to my friend. I do try and avoid being around when this lady is invloved, but living in a small town, this is hard, and I know that adults cannot tell other adults who they should be friends with, but still, I feel like I cannot be totally open with her anymore as she is very open with this other lady and I know would discuss me,my dh with her, and I am not comfortable with that or indeed the situation in general.

AIBU?

newwave Mon 08-Nov-10 23:07:32

I would ask your friend not to invite you to any function where the other person HAD BEEN INVITED TO ATTEND by her, if she is there of her own accord then fair enough. Or you arrange a night out and hint/say that you dont want the other women there.

If she does not respect your position then you have to decide how much you want to remain friends with her.

Personally i would have asked the other woman outright "if her husband had made any more false allegations" this would have brought the matter to a head and forced your friend to make a choice or at least met each of you seperately.

MsKalo Mon 08-Nov-10 23:14:53

I would feel the same as you. Why/how did they become friends? Your friend is unreasonable to expect you to spend time with this woman and you would think that after what happened she would be more sensitive...

I don't blame you for feeling like you cannot talk freely with her. Maybe you need a chat abs say you feel uncomfortable and why you ^do? Let 'us' know how you get on

MoralDefective Mon 08-Nov-10 23:18:15

You're right when you say you can't tell other people who they can be friends with.
Over the years this has happened to us a coulple of times(when other people have told our friends they don't want them to be friends with us).
It has (both times) resulted in them being dropped and US remaining friends.

DD fell out with a friend from school who she was flat sharing with this year.
Flatmate proceeded to slag DD off to anyone who would listen,resulting in HER losing a ton load of friends.
DD told everyone she didn't want them to drop flatmate because of her but it happened anyway.
I'd leave it a while and see how it pans out,from what you say though i certainly wouldn't want her to know any of my/our business.

newwave Mon 08-Nov-10 23:23:37

I dont believe for one moment the other woman is unaware of what he husband did to yours.

Out of interest did your husband take any action against the other man for slander or for compensation.

Irishchic Mon 08-Nov-10 23:26:10

I find that i have become more guarded with my friend, because she is quite a trusting person and would be very open with this woman whereas i have a slightly different view of her. I have just acted normally around this lady when in company becuase, as I say, it is a small town and we all have to live together, and my dh would not want me bringing this up now in that way, he feels nothing can be gained by doing that. I suppose it is just hard when you know someone very well and like them, (as in my friend) it is hard when they become friendly with someone who you know to be very two faced, and yet you just have to put up with it. At the end of the day, it was this lady;s husband who caused all the stress, not the lady herself, but stil, find it very hard to be around her, even if she is unaware of what he did.

Irishchic Mon 08-Nov-10 23:30:08

X posted there new wave. I agree and think that she probably is fully aware.

No action taken, as the allegations were made in a private capacity to the regulatory body as opposed to being made "public" iykwim.

No one else except the officials dealing with it would know about the allegations, and the guy that made them of course.

blinks Mon 08-Nov-10 23:30:20

it's pretty disloyal and maybe a sign that there's resentment between you and your friend.

newwave Mon 08-Nov-10 23:30:42

Nikita, I have no doubt if this woman is as you say that she will get her claws into your friend and start to "take over" she will be inviting her on "one to one" meets. Best to front it asap or you wont have a friend.

TheFarSide Mon 08-Nov-10 23:31:15

YANBU. We all value different things in our friends - my biggie is loyalty, and that includes not making friends with my enemies. Sounds like loyalty is also important to you. Maybe your friend doesn't fully realise how bad you feel - I would spell out how I felt and see how she responded. If she brushes aside your feelings, maybe it's time to let the friendship go.

Irishchic Mon 08-Nov-10 23:54:34

What do you mean best to front it, you mean tell her it makes me uncomfortable?

This other woman has always pushed for the friendship, turning up at my friends door with wine, inviting her to dinners etc and never taking no for an answer, my friend found it very hard to keep on saying no and now has become a permanent fixture.

Irishchic Mon 08-Nov-10 23:56:38

TheFarSide - I do agree. I have avoided spelling it out to her as I thought or felt, that I shouldnt have to, but now I think I do.And it may not go the way I want it to as I think my friend will feel that I am being unreasonable.

newwave Mon 08-Nov-10 23:58:39

Nikita, sorry, the old East End in me coming out Yes tell her it makes you uncomfortable.

"This other woman has always pushed for the friendship, turning up at my friends door with wine, inviting her to dinners etc and never taking no for an answer, my friend found it very hard to keep on saying no and now has become a permanent fixture"

She will soon be trying to drive a wedge between you and your mate if she isnt already.

Biobytes Mon 08-Nov-10 23:59:25

I would give a "neutral" description of what has happened so she can understand why you are avoiding her when they meet.

At the end, it is her choice.

newwave Tue 09-Nov-10 00:01:10

Invite your friend out for the day and say "just the two of us Ok" let her be in no doubt how you feel about this other woman.

Irishchic Tue 09-Nov-10 00:05:26

Time for a bit of honesty then, its gonna be awkward but cant see any way round it.

off to bed now, thanks for all the replies smile

ChippingIn Tue 09-Nov-10 00:09:06

I would tell her how you feel and make it quite clear that you do not want to socialise with this other woman - so please only invite one of you to any event.

I 'lost' one of my best friends when her & her husband stayed friends with my ex and his (now) wife. We are still friends, but the relationship has changed totally as I am no longer able to be open with her. She means well, but is a bit of a blabber mouth and doesn't think before she speaks - so knowing that anything I say to her is likely to be repeated to ex & wife - I no longer say very much - so of course our relationship is entirely different now. (Just to be clear, there was no need to 'take sides' and I don't object to them being friends - it's just sad).

So what I am saying with all of that is, even if you speak to her and she stops inviting you both to things, unless she wants to stop being friends with the other woman your relationship will be different now anyway.

Irishchic Tue 09-Nov-10 14:06:12

Chipping In - That is true, I am already more guarded now in what I say. It is a shame, but that's life i guess.

MadamDeathstare Tue 09-Nov-10 14:20:43

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Irishchic Tue 09-Nov-10 14:27:21

That is it exactly MadamDeathStare - I have done and will do in the future meet this couple both a social functions locally, and at my dh's occasional professional gatherings.

I am always polite, would never be rude, and am happy to keep it that way.

This lady's dh does not know that WE know what he did, because we were informed off the record by someone who works in the admin of the regulatory body, and we saw written evidence of his allegation. So he has no idea that we know. We were disgusted, though not suprised, when we learned of what he did, as he has form for this sort of thing.

Anyway, am still as polite as I ever was to him and his wife, I just find it annoying now that she is so close to my friend, and tends to be invited along to things, not ALL the time, in fairness, but regularily enough, and my instinct if I know she will be there is to just make my excuses and stay away.

So it has already affected our friendship anyway. I just feel that this should be obvious to my friend. But it isnt. And I wonder if I should point it out. A lot of people on here have said just be honest about it, and they are ptobably right. I just find it a hard one to call, as I do not want to lose my friend totally.

MadamDeathstare Tue 09-Nov-10 14:40:23

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Irishchic Tue 09-Nov-10 16:59:11

Yes, although my friend does know all about the allegations, the ensuing investigation and the stress it caused as I confided this to her when she started to become friendly with this lady, mainly because I wanted to explain my reluctance to hang out with her too, and didnt feel that the business-competitor reason was sufficient, (though it prob would have been) so my friend knows all about it, she just thinks that this woman couldnt possibly be aware of what her husband did, because she seems so nice.hmm

MadamDeathstare Tue 09-Nov-10 21:24:29

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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