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to think about moving away because I dislike loads of the parents at childrens school?

(40 Posts)
duewest Mon 08-Nov-10 12:30:48

Hard hat on.

Basically I have two children at primary school. We are happy on the whole with school although my eldest DS who is in year 3 has never really settled. (he loves the work side but struggles socially sad

My younger DS is in year 1 and seems to like school and has made lots of friends.

My DH has been offered a job working over 150 miles away which he has to take so he can either live there in the week and come back to us at weekends or we can all go.

I really dislike the school run, a lot of the mums are cliquey and I feel like some of them have taken a dislke to me although they don't know me. I dread parties. sad

I would say hello to everyone, only to be ignored (I can't be bothered now). i admit to not making a great effort for various reasons so partly my fault, I guess?

My youngest son has had a handful of friends over, only to be invited back to 1 friends. One of the mums said she would have him over the following week and then made ab excuse about how they have something on every night. I then overheard that she was having one of the other boys over for tea. angry God I know I sound petty. sad

I just think a move might be best for the whole family or not? confused

memoo Mon 08-Nov-10 12:32:50

YANBU for thinking it but I suspect you will find it is the same at any other school your DC might go to. There are cliquey mums etc at every school

sarah293 Mon 08-Nov-10 12:32:53

Message withdrawn

JaxTellersOldLady Mon 08-Nov-10 12:33:29

You are not alone OP. There are many many people who feel the same way you do.

I dont and have a good group of friends at school, but you really do have to make an effort. It takes time and chances are you will be in the same boat at whatever school you choose for your DC.

So, the onus is on you to fit in, to make new friends and to have children back. Dont get me wrong, I like some more than others and have found that the parents that I like often times their children are not my cup of tea, but if my DC like them I am willing to make the effort.

TheChamomileLawn Mon 08-Nov-10 12:33:30

I don't think you should move solely for that reason. Are there any other good reasons to move? Do you want to live in the new area?

Doigthebountyeater Mon 08-Nov-10 12:34:13

I think you should not care so much about the mums - look objectively as to whether or not your kids are happy there. And yes that mum does sound like a bitch and I would have been hurt too.

Geocentric Mon 08-Nov-10 12:34:31

Do you actually like the area your DH is being moved to? Is it likely to be a long term job? If yes to the se questions, moving might be a good thing, but NOT simply for the reasons you mention - unfortunately we have a habit of taking our problems with us...

shell96 Mon 08-Nov-10 12:35:05

I think there are many more issues than just the school social life to consider when deciding whether to move house.

Weigh up the pros and cons of staying or moving, eg. friends you have got where you live, distance to family, how much you like the area where you are, if you know/like the area you would move to, how much time you would actually get with your DH if you dont move, etc.

I think its too big a decision just to base on schools. You need to look at life as a whole

Doigthebountyeater Mon 08-Nov-10 12:35:20

Actually, I think you should go with DH. Some bitchy mums won't affect your kids as much as missing out on time with their dad.

boogeek Mon 08-Nov-10 12:35:39

If my DH was going to work 150 miles away (what is the plan, weekend commuting?), we'd all be going too unless there was a very good reason to stay - and I say that as somebody who has a really good supportive network of friends here (which I have had to work bloody hard to get). For me, good reasons would include kids at a good secondary - ie into exams - but not a primary, especially one I was only so-so about.

Hassled Mon 08-Nov-10 12:36:59

Assuming you have no family connections/other roots in the area you are now, then yes, move. My DH works away all week every week and it can be bloody hard going, tbh. Your DCs are young enough that they'd settle reasonably quickly, I think.

If you do stay, have you though about joing the PTA? Some are good, some terrible, but it's a good way of feeling a bit more involved and getting to know people away from the school gate.

duewest Mon 08-Nov-10 12:37:11

TCL - No I don't want to live in a new area. But the whole school thing is getting me down. sad Also feel like DS1 might be happier in a new school. Often wonder is the other parents don't like me and thats why DS1 is unsettled and DS2 has'nt been invited back much. sad

Doig grin glad you agree.

PlanetEarth Mon 08-Nov-10 12:37:39

What about the other aspects of the move? Is it a permanent job with reasonable (or, indeed any) prospects? Do either of you have friends or family nearby, or in the new area? What about amenities, house prices, etc.?

Move or don't move, but I wouldn't have thought the primary school mums should be a huge factor in this.

fedupofnamechanging Mon 08-Nov-10 12:39:30

I would move because I would want to be with my DH and not live apart from him all week.
What are the schools like in the new area, as that will influence your decision.

I'm not sure you can move from a good school where your DC are happy solely because the there parents are unfriendly, but you do have other reasons which are good reasons to move. For as long as you are at this school just drop the DC at school and not engage with any of them. I would make my friends elsewhere.

Given that your DH has to take the job elsewhere, this will increse your loneliness, so I would lean towards going with him. The DC will settle and be happy in another place, so long as you pick a nice school

duewest Mon 08-Nov-10 12:39:40

PE - Yes it is a permanent job with excellent prospects, more money etc. No family ties here, few friends. I know the other mums shouldn't factor in but it is just making me so fed up.

duewest Mon 08-Nov-10 12:43:49

An example of what some of the mums are like. I walk into the playground as soon as one of them sees me, she glares at me. sad

I did get invited to a night out by one really lovley mum and tried to speak to the glarer but she was so offhand. sad

Geocentric Mon 08-Nov-10 12:46:31

Permanent job, no family ties... I would go. smile

BuntyPenfold Mon 08-Nov-10 12:47:38

I once moved to a village where the school and play group were the most enclosed and impenetrable clique.

I moved away after 18 months to a friendly town where other mums introduced themselves in the park.

It was such a relief as being excluded is so undermining that you do wonder if the problem is you.

duewest Mon 08-Nov-10 12:49:06

Sorry to hear that bunty, glad it worked ou in the end. And yes I do wonder if its me, think its actually making me a bit depressed. sad

AMumInScotland Mon 08-Nov-10 12:49:06

I'd be going where DH's job is going, and focussing on settling in there. I can't see any reason for you to stay where you are and be apart from him - different if the DC were at secondary and really happy and settled there, but they're younger and it's easy enough to move them.

As to the rest of it - you sound unhappy. I don't know you (not even on here!) so I wouldn't like to guess if the difficulty getting on with other mums is making you unhappy, or if a more general unhappiness (depression? low self esteem?) is making it difficult for you to make friends and feel accepted. But either way, try to make sure that you don't take the problem with you to the new place - it's a fresh start for you as well as the DC, and there's no fundamental reason why you and they shouldn't be able to settle in and get to know people.

BuntyPenfold Mon 08-Nov-10 12:59:38

duewest Of course it knocks your self esteem if no one seems to like you.
My move made a huge difference and I hope yours does too.

I remember being glared at as you describe, because I had addressed a friendly remark, unknowingly, to the queen of the village.

I joined the mum & toddler group where I was handed some fundraising catalogues to browse, while all the other mums arranged their chairs in tight little circles with their backs to me
I think that would depress most people, especially after a term of it.
Better luck next time.

NonBlondGirl Mon 08-Nov-10 13:01:53

PE - Yes it is a permanent job with excellent prospects, more money etc. No family ties here, few friends.

Given this what is keeping you in the area?

We may have a similar situation in the future - but we are tied by the house - needs time and money to sell it - and we are very happy with the school and dc have proven slow to settle with changes so worried about disrupting them.

Do you know much about the new area? Schools, amenities, house prices types of housing? Could you have a look round - have you priced out the commute and accommodation for DH in week - can be very expensive.

Cliquey parents may be an issue that follows you or may not - you are not really going to know till you move but surely there are other push pull factors than that that could decide the issue.

loonies Mon 08-Nov-10 13:04:35

I think there a variety of reasons for you thinking about moving not simply the mums at school. As another poster suggested I think that you should weigh up the pros and cons and then make a decision.

ragged Mon 08-Nov-10 13:06:42

DD (now y4) is a perfectly sweet girl, quite popular in her year, we have had loads of her friends over, often for repeat visits, almost no invites back. It has always been like that. It kind of baffles me, but I am used to it now! Playdates are almost always reciprocated for her older & younger brothers who unlike DD can be a handful confused. Anyway, I wouldn't think too much about the lack of invites back.

NonBlondGirl Mon 08-Nov-10 13:11:38

Last place I live in was so friendly - three years where we are now and a lot of effort later and while I do know people to say hello to and have a quick natter ask about school issues ect but no more really and they can be fickle as to whether they speak to me that day.

I do worry the next move I would lose even that level of contact. Thing is I would miss DH more.

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