Am I being unreasonable to think that the ownership and use of brollies in urban areas should be governed by strict legislation?
Can I propose the Urban Umbrellas Act 2010?
1 Terms and definitions - "umbrella" shall be interpreted as referring to any portable rain-sheltering device, including, but not limited to, umbrellas, parasols, golf umbrellas. " Large Umbrella" shall be interpreted as referring to any rain-sheltering device capable of covering more than one person.
2 No person shall assume ownership of an umbrella within the jurisdiction of England and Wales without first passing an "Umbrella Usage" test. Upon passing this test, the person will be granted provisional umbrella ownership status After 12 months of ownership, if no offences have been committed, the person shall be granted licenced ownership status and issued with a full licence. During the provisional period the owner will not be permitted to own or operate a large umbrella, and will not be permitted to own or operate any umbrella within certain restricted urban areas. Please see the 2010 "Busy Urban Streets Act" for full list.
3 No person shall be permitted to operate a large umbrella without formal permission from the Umbrella Secretary. Permission is likely to be granted only in situations where the applicant can prove that he has particular needs requiring extra coverage or does, in fact, play golf.
4 It shall be an offence for any person to operate an umbrella once the precipitation has ceased, or to fail to collapse an umbrella once indoors.
5 It shall be an offence for a person to occupy a bus-shelter while using an umbrella while any umbrella-less person is outside the shelter.
6 Any person shaking their umbrella over any other person shall be deemed to have committed the offence of common assault and be liable to arrest.
7 It shall be an offence for any person to fail to dip their umbrella to the side when passing another pedestrian, with or without umbrella.
8 In the event of an umbrella collision liability shall rest with the operator of the larger umbrella.
9 If, when operating an umbrella, a person shall strike a non-umbrella operator in the facial region with a spoke, the umbrella operator shall immediately lose all rights as a citizen and it shall be permissible for the non-umbrella operator to place them forcibly in the nearest large puddle or beat the about the head with a handbag, whichever seems most appropriate in the circumstances.
10 If a large umbrella operator is found to be operating a large umbrella without due care and attention, it shall be permissible for any member of the public or police officer to remove said large umbrella and shove it where the sun does not shine. This particularly applies to those who place large umbrellas in front of them in the manner of a battering ram and sweep non-umbrella operators out of the way with the sheer largeness of the large umbrella.
11 Once any person is found to have committed any of these offences they shall be banned from operating an umbrella for life. They will be permitted to wear a hat.
Can you add that having a rolled up umbrella is a dangerous thing too. When you are holding it horizontally to your body, it shouldn't be swung in the manner of a battering ram.
All edits and additions welcome. This is how the law is made!
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