to now say something to my friend

[tryingtobemarypoppins2]

Also posted in behaviour so sorry to repost, Gosh, I am really worried and not sure what to do.

DS is 3 next week. He is a lovely boy but does struggle sometimes with sharing (speech a bit poor) and we have been working REALLY hard to avoid pushing/hitting/biting etc and he is doing really well. He gets so upset and shows hugh remorse but I have got upset and embarrised at times. Anyway I am kind of dreading anything happening at his birthday as our Zero tollerance approach has been really working. Anyway with carful support he shoud be fine. (its all very normal stuff, but my expectations can be overly high my friends say! HOWEVER

a friend within our baby group has a son who is VERY VERY difficult. He lashes out, pulls hair, screams, bites, pushes and this is off the scale compared to his peers at times. Mum is lovely but doesn't punish in anyway, she distracts which occasionally works for him, but never for the victim and whilst I am supportive of her, week after week after week his behaviour is never addessed and this creates confusion for my DS and his pals.

Unfortantatly a few months ago the little boy dug his nails into the face of another boy in a scuffle and the other child was badly hurt (blood etc) it was nasty. He wasn't punished and we were all very shocked. Quiet righly the other parent went mad at my friend. This didn't really change her approach to his behavior sadly.

My DS struggles around this little boy as all that I tell him not to do, the other boy does to him, and my DS quite righly doesn't understand why X doesn't get time out etc, won't share with him etc. If my DS asks to play with X he screams in DS face, won't share etc.

Now my friend is a single mum with lots going on and I want to be supportive BUT I now feel its not fair on my DS or his pals.

The victim of his last attack is coming to DS birthday and that will cause tension. I want my DS to have a lovely afternoon but I really worry x will make things difficult.

What do I do!! AIBU to say something and if not how and what!??

[colditz]

if child kicks off, you assertively approach the mother and say "Sorry, you are going to have to take him home, his behavior is spoiling my ds's birthday party."

[tryingtobemarypoppins2]

You wouldn't say anything before the party?

[booyhoo]

what is it you want to achieve by talking to her? do you want her to not come to teh party? or to come but pronmise to deal with her son as you think she should? or is it more long term you are thinking? like you won't see her anymore with her son?

[tryingtobemarypoppins2]

Thanks for reply BTW colditz :)

[booyhoo]

tbh, if it was me, i wouldn't have invited the child and i would have told teh motehr why.

[spikeycow]

Mmm, it's a dilemma. You don't want to fall out with her so what I might do is tell her you heard some people saying they were shocked at her sons behaviour and wouldn't come to the party if she didn't sort it. Then she won't withdraw from you, you can carry on giving her support, don't disagree with "what was said" but it hasn't come from you IYSWIM so you can make suggestions without offending?

[booyhoo]

i swear i am not drunk . i just type too fast.

[MumblingClothDoll]

Golly...can't think why you have inivted them...if she is so good a friend that you could not leave them out then of course you need to speak to her in advance.

Ask her how he has been getting on...can you discuss behavioural problems with her? My friend and I do...we say about how DD is doing this or that and it aint good...so perhaps you could as your friend how she feels about her DS? If she worries about him at all?

[vicbar]

Id say something as this is your DS bday and better to say something now than kick yourself afterwards.
Saying that it would be really hard to know what to say. Why do you think his behaviour is like that could it be learning difficulties or simply he doesnt have bounderies ?
Id probably be a bit of a coward and find something on the internet about curbing this behaviour with a zero tolerance approach and mention how impressed you are that it has worked with your DS and she might like to read it ??
It really depends if she mentions his behaviour if so maybe try the hard line and say you need to change it. Being a single parent is hard as you are the good and bad guy but him being like this must be really hard for her to take.
Good luck

[tryingtobemarypoppins2]

If I'm honest I just want DS to have a good day and I wish x wasn't coming. BUT that is very unhelpful and immature

[booyhoo]

agree with mumbling, i think you should just be honest, ask how she is getting on with him and say that you were worried that things mught kick off at the party and what does she think you can both do to stop that happening.

[Vallhala]

Why invite a child who behaves like this. especially if the mother doesn't deal with the behaviour appropriately?

I can't see why anyone would want to make life difficult for themself and their DC (or indeed other guests and their parents) by doing so.

[booyhoo]

valhalla, as hard as it is to have children who are agressive around, it can become a case of everyone thinking that way and tehn teh child isn't invited anywhere and has no social interaction with peers. a child who has SN for example may never be able to 'behave' like other children. i agree, life would be alot easier for us if we didn't invite them, but how would life be for that child if nobody ever invites them?

[tryingtobemarypoppins2]

Sorry mjinhiding I don't quite understand?? I would hate friend to feel like that though......

Vicbar having spoken at length with other friends, some feel its a total lack of bonderies, all agree she doesn't want to be the bad parent and x has had a hard year as a result of mum and dad being apart etc. I do feel for him but really think that he feels unsafe often as his behaviour is not curbed.

[MumblingClothDoll]

mjinhiding

Don't isolate yourself...if your DS is sometimes agressive then he needs to be in company...sometimes a "display" of discpline is necassary to keep society at large happy though...and that's also a lesson for the DC.

[Vallhala]

Booy I don't work like that, I'm afraid. I'm there for the wellbeing and benefit of my children, not other people's and would rather not have seen my children bitten/kicked/whatever when they were little like the OP's child is. Besides, anything for an easy life, and inviting a child who had to be watched all the time and whose parent wasn't controlling is not my idea of a stressless party.

I appreciate that mine is doubtless the minority view but there it is.

[booyhoo]

oh, i know it isn't for everyone. just trying to explain why some people do still invite children who tend to be a bit troublesome.

[Vallhala]

Oh my God, what sort of English is that!

I don't even have wine as an excuse, I don't drink!

Sorry all, I hope that you got my meaning nonetheless.

[tryingtobemarypoppins2]

The trouble is this is a joint party. The other birthday child is friends with the last victim. It really was terrible when the incident happened with all sorts of mayhem afterwatds between friend and the other child's family. This will be the first time they would have seen each other I expect........

[booyhoo]

trying in that case i think it was unwise to invite this little boy. i think it would have been better for the dcs to have met on different terms before this boy came to a party of someone he has hurt.