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stopped my daughters dad from seeing her

(56 Posts)
jaxx26 Wed 03-Nov-10 16:16:19

hi, im new to this and wanted some advice, my daughter has just turned 4, she used to go and see her father on the weekends, one day i needed to go to the shop and told my daughter to get dressed, she was playing a game at the time and asked if she could stay at home, i told her no and she asked why, i explained coz she was to young, she then told me but daddy lets me stay home alone when he goes to the shop. I had a convo with him about it and he seems to think that it was ok for him to do this (this must have happened when she was 3) i have now stopped him from having her. she has however just started full time school and i told the school what had happened and said that i did not want her father to pick her up after school, i was told that they could not in a legal sence stop him..... I need to know what i should do now should i go and report it? or should i just leave it? (i have never stopped him from seeing her b4 he even used to have her over night untill he moved in with a friend and felt himself that it was unsafe for her to stay there over night) friends and even his own son have told me to report him as its serious neglect?

Pheebe Wed 03-Nov-10 16:19:00

Is this the only reason you've stopped him seeing her? It is 'serious' but I do think you've over-reacted. A serious conversation and an undertaking on his part that he won't do it again would have been more appropriate imo.

readywithwellies Wed 03-Nov-10 16:21:53

YABU, your daughter's relationship with her dad should be maintained. Agree with Pheebe on actions.

jaxx26 Wed 03-Nov-10 16:24:49

I tried the serious convo with him but he dint see no wrong in what he had done he even started a arguement over it, there is a number of issue's but this was the final thing, other reason's are for his drinking it was a beer that he went to the shop to buy, he only had her at the time for around 4 hours every 2 weeks, and coz he picks as and when he wants to see our daughter she can go over a month without seeing him..... and some other things as well...

earwicga Wed 03-Nov-10 16:29:02

I think you are asking two questions here.

1) Should you report the neglect?
Up to you. It's illegal to leave a child of 4 in a house alone. Does your child's father accept that he cannot do this? If it is something you need on record for the school for example, then report it. On balance I think I would have done this if I were in your situation.

2) Are the school allowed to let your child's father collect her from school?
When my kids were small we had to fill in a form to say who was and not allowed to pick up my children. Have you contacted the head about this?

earwicga Wed 03-Nov-10 16:30:37

Ah, hadn't refreshed and seen your answer before posting. Yep - report away! It is important to have an official record of bad behaviour.

WildistheWind Wed 03-Nov-10 16:31:46

Agree with Wellies and Pheebe-

You are right to be concerned about this and address it but your daughter has a right to see her father so YABU

jaxx26 Wed 03-Nov-10 16:33:02

this is what other people e.g friends and even his own son, i just wanted to see what other people's veiw was.
as for the school i have told them i dont want him to pick her up but they say coz he is on the birth cert he has PR over her so in legal terms they cant stop him.

WildistheWind Wed 03-Nov-10 16:33:48

didn't see your last message- If you are worried about his drinking you should def. have a chat with him about it

jaxx26 Wed 03-Nov-10 16:34:11

sorry what does YABU stand 4?

Pheebe Wed 03-Nov-10 16:34:46

OK so there's much more going on here than you initial post implied. My advice would be to see a solicitor and perhaps consider supervised visits only. Your solicitor will be able to advise you on the issue with the school. If you have a residency order you may be able to inform the school they are not allowed to release her to him. If you don't have any sort of legal agreement in place that they are probably right, if he turns up and requests his daughter they cannot refuse.

You could try posting this in legal or perhaps in relationships. You'll get responses from people with much more experience/expertise in this area.

jaxx26 Wed 03-Nov-10 16:39:14

ok and thank you.

BoneyBackJefferson Wed 03-Nov-10 19:11:54

If your XP has PR then he can see her and the school cannot legally stop him.

the only way to stop the school from doing this is (If I remember correctly)to get an injuction out against the school.

midori1999 Wed 03-Nov-10 19:21:42

earwicga, it is in fact not illegal to leave a child of any age home alone.

I think YABU to stop him seeing her over this, yes. Her having a relationship with her Dad is very important. Even if you are worried he does not see the wrong in what he did, there are other ways he can see her, at your home, for instance, or he can have her for the day and take her out somewhere, so leaving her home alone is not an issue.

Plus, I think how long he left her and how far he went is relevent. For example, if he left her for a couple of minutes and popped to the shop next door, I really don't think that's as bad as leaving her for half an hour an driving to a shop across town.

Also, you say he is 'drinking' but also say he popped out for 'a' beer. Having a couple of beers isn't exactly a drinking problem. I don't really drink much at all, but I have lots of friends who have a glass or two of wine most nights and I don't see anything wrong with that.

FlyingInTheCLouds Wed 03-Nov-10 19:35:40

more worried about the need to buy beer if he has her for only 4 hours.

but talk to him, it's not as bad as denying her a father over an issue that can hopefully be resolved.

Is there other worrying behaviour?

FlyingInTheCLouds Wed 03-Nov-10 19:37:24

he won't have pr unless you were married, or you signed for it infront of a judge, nothing to do with birth cert.

GypsyMoth Wed 03-Nov-10 19:40:47

Yabu because you are not upholding your Childs legal RIGHT to see her dad. It's not about you or him, neither of uou have rights over her, only responsibilities( childrens act)

He drinks...... No reason to block contact

He leaves her alone at home...... NOT illegal

What else??

GypsyMoth Wed 03-Nov-10 19:41:53

She's 4 ,rules changed in 2002, so he will have PR

giveitago Wed 03-Nov-10 19:53:56

It might be legal to leave a 4 year old home alone but it doesn't make it right.

I'd be concerned if I were the OP - but OP is there anyway you can organise supervised contact.

earwicga Wed 03-Nov-10 22:16:41

Blimey, I've just checked on the NSPCC website and it says:

'The law does not set a minimum age at which children can be left alone. However, it is an offence to leave a child alone when doing so puts him or her at risk.'
http://www.nspcc.org.uk/help-and-advice/for-parent s-and-carers/positive-parenting/leaving-children-h ome-alone/leaving-children-home-alone_wda72908.htm l

I'm surprised. I would have thought that leaving a 3 year old in a house alone would have been putting her at 'risk' automatically but I guess not.

FlyingInTheCLouds Thu 04-Nov-10 12:44:27

sprinkle - that's good to know.

altinkum Thu 04-Nov-10 12:53:19

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Trilobiteontoast Thu 04-Nov-10 12:54:01

YANBU. If she had got into the kitchen and burned herself or got out and run into the road when he left her on her own- as 3 year olds do!- then all the people who are saying YABU would be calling you a neglectful mother, too. As would the law. Just because he is her dad doesn't mean he gets to neglect her without question. Until he learns to be a responsible parent he obviously can't be left alone with a child. You could maybe contact social services and a local child contact centre to set up supervised visits for him if you think she would benefit from contact without being exposed to danger by his stupid, irresponsible actions.

altinkum Thu 04-Nov-10 12:58:05

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RiverOfSleep Thu 04-Nov-10 13:02:44

I wouldn't leave dc with someone who thought it was
ok to leave them while going to buy beer whatever relation they were!

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