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to think my MIL is being unreasonable?

(374 Posts)
catholicatheist Mon 01-Nov-10 12:09:07

Hi there,

I am due to have my first baby at the end of this month. My MIL has demanded said that she wants to be contacted the second I go into labour so she can make her way to the city we live in (which is about an hour away from her) and come to the hospital. I am not particularly close to her and I really do not want her there in the waiting room when I am giving birth as it will really be a pain with DH having to go out to see to her etc etc. Also I do not want to be seeing people until I have had chance to breast feed him, clean myself up etc and she would be wanting to come in the room. In addition to this it could be a long birth given the babys current positioning so that would be difficult with her in the hospital as DH would have to be taking her back to our house to sleep perhaps when I was still in labour.

DH is a bit rubbish and said he will ask me if she can rather than just telling her no. Do you think she is being out of order? When should I tell her to come to see the baby?

PaisleyPumpkin Mon 01-Nov-10 12:11:35

Would it be too sneaky to just tell her 'yes, of course we'll ring'. But then actually ring when you're ready to see her and say that it was all a bit all over the place at the time.

faverghoulles Mon 01-Nov-10 12:12:04

Tell her that of course you'll let her know.
When the time comes, don't tell her (you will need your dh on side for this).
Ring her when the baby has arrived and you feel ready to see her.

faverghoulles Mon 01-Nov-10 12:12:58

X-posts from equally devious mners

BunnyLeBOOwski Mon 01-Nov-10 12:13:28

YANBU

You're the one giving birth.

You're the one who will be feeling vulnerable and emotional and will want privacy and peace to bond with our wee one.

So yours is the only opinion that counts on this issue imo.

Tell your DH to man up and say no to his mother or tell her yourself.

PaisleyPumpkin Mon 01-Nov-10 12:14:28

Doesn't say much about our manners eh faver? blush

ChaoticAngel Mon 01-Nov-10 12:14:30

YANBU Tell you dh to grow a pair and tell her that you will let her know when the baby is born. You need him there for you, not being distracted by his mother. This is the time when you need to establish boundaries. Point out to your dh that now is the time that he starts putting you and your family first and his mother second.

If he can't tell her then just phone her once the baby is born and you feel ready for visitors.

WitchyFlisspaps Mon 01-Nov-10 12:17:56

YANBU

You could be in labour for days (sorry) so what exactly is MIL expecting to do?

You'll find most UK hospitals don't have waiting rooms in the delivery/labour wards so she'll be sitting in someone's way in a corridor somewhere, probably without a chair. It's not like it is on the American TV shows where the world and his dog and his neighbour's dog are all there in the waiting room ready to pour in once the head's out.

DH needs to tell her straight that she can't come. Point out to him that being stressed during labour can hinder progress and that having her out the door desperate for a look at your undercarriage will most definitely stress you out and that the last thing he'll be doing is popping in and out to update her as to how far dilated your cervix is, and he certainly WILL NOT be running her back to your house and leaving you alone!
If he doesn't tell her, then when you arrive at the hospital make sure you tell the midwives that you DO NOT want her there and they won't let her near you. Write it on your birth plan too in case you're not coherent enough on arrival to say anything.

Failing that, you could say OK, and then when you go into labour DH can conveniently forget to contact her.

Call her after the baby is born so you and DH get a chance to cuddle it first, MIL will have all the time in the world for cuddles later.

fedupofnamechanging Mon 01-Nov-10 12:18:19

Agree that you should phone her when you are ready. Make sure your DH knows not to ring her without asking you first.

Not wanting to be the be the bearer of bad news but now is also the time to head off at the pass, the 'suggestion' by your MIL that she stays with you after the birth to 'help'.

You don't want to find that one dropped on you when you've just had a baby, esp if your Dh is not good at saying no to his mum.

catholicatheist Mon 01-Nov-10 12:23:16

The thought of MIL seeing my boobs or undercarriage is enough to send me into sheer panic! We do not have that sort of closeness. I think because I intend to have my mother in with me this may be why she thinks she can come too. The whole thing is a nightmare and I want to cry.

Squitten Mon 01-Nov-10 12:23:49

Oh God no, you really don't want extra people lurking around.

My mum said the same thing - she wanted us to tell her when I went into labour. I can honestly say that in the sudden panic when I did start off, it didn't even occur to either of us to tell anyone - we just wanted to get to the hospital! Admittedly, I had no problem telling her how stupid that idea was WELL before then!

Personally, I would just tell your DH that you are over-ruling him and his mother and that it won't be happening. If my DH tried that, he'd be banned from the hospital too!! You'll have all the time in the world to tell people once it's over and done with and you're feeling closer to human again. I felt ok pretty quickly afterwards and so I let my Dad and Grandad come to visit in hospital and MIL came too.

ChaoticAngel Mon 01-Nov-10 12:26:29

Your mother being there is different. She gave birth to you, changed your nappies etc. Ask your dh how he would feel if your mother was in the same room while he was having a vasectomy, or even waiting outside ready to come in once it had been done, before he could cover himself up. That may help to focus his mind and enable him to say no to his mother grin

TheCrackFox Mon 01-Nov-10 12:26:57

Ask your MIL if her MIL was at the hospital when she gave birth. I am guessing no.

Don't phone her and if your DH won't tell her then phone her yourself.

diddl Mon 01-Nov-10 12:27:10

We never told either set of parents until after the baby was born.

Didn´t occur to us tbh.

She might want to be contacted, but you don´t have to, do you?

Muser Mon 01-Nov-10 12:28:16

Tell her the hospital only allows visitors after the baby is born, and then only in set visiting hours. So you will let her know when the baby is born, to save her sitting in the carpark like a lemon.

melikalikimaka Mon 01-Nov-10 12:29:56

Don't be so soft!
Think No. 1 here.
Tell her when its all over, it's not selfish. It's common decency, she has no right to impose on what could be a tricky situation and should be be just you and your DH. YANBU

hogshead Mon 01-Nov-10 12:33:17

I totally understand where you are coming from!

I made it perfectly clear from early on to my family that giving birth was not a spectator sport and visitors could come when we were back on the ward and up to seeing them.

And still my dad turned up when we were in recovery grrh!

ShirtyGerty Mon 01-Nov-10 12:37:13

Totally agree with the others.

ChaoticAngel makes an important point - this is where boundaries will be established for the future.

fedupofnamechanging Mon 01-Nov-10 12:41:11

I was induced with my last pg and spent a whole day on the ward having contractions but wasn't far enough along to go to the delivery suite. My mum and my MIL spent pretty much all day with me. Tbh I could have done without the pair of them at the time.

When it came time to deliver, it would have taken a bulldozer to get my mum out of the room, so she stayed for the birth. I was okay with this because she is my mum. A MIL, however nice, is not your mum. It would be U for her to expect to stay, unless you specifically ask her to.

I'm dreading it when my brothers have children, as my mum has no sense of boundaries with me and probably won't see why she can't be at the births of my brothers children.

PutTheKettleOn Mon 01-Nov-10 12:42:22

I blame the telly - they always have loads of people in the room/waiting outside when people give birth in soaps etc... remember Rachel in Friends? So people think that's what actually happens when in reality you are only allowed 2 birth partners max and no visitors in the delivery suite anyway! Then once you are on the ward the visiting hours are pretty limited.

Tell her it would be a waste of time, you will tell her when the baby is born and if she really wants to she can drive the hour to come see you during the scheduled visiting hours and then drive herself home again, don't let your DH end up ferrying her around!

NinkyNonker Mon 01-Nov-10 12:46:01

Just say yes then don't do it, you'll have a great excuse: being a bit preoccupied! This is what we did with my mum. She'll be too happy to see the baby that she'll forget later I'm sure.

Otherwise get DH to stand up to her, he will have to be able to prioritise his family now.

catholicatheist Mon 01-Nov-10 12:46:36

Yes I can say that the hospital only allow visitors during visiting times so it would have been pointless calling her anyway (and we wont call until ready). I think she wont like it but hey ho!

ENormaSnob Mon 01-Nov-10 12:52:53

IMO you need to set the precedent now and your dh seriously needs to man up.

Fwiw my bf had an identical situation, her mil turned up and her dh did nothing. It ruined her birth experience and her relationship with her dh has suffered massively.

Careybliss Mon 01-Nov-10 12:56:53

When you experience the first contraction go around the house and hide all the phones before you tell your husband? Of course you need one close so you can whip it out in case you need emergency help.

Say you "forgot" if you find it hard to say no.

My MIL said to my husband that she wanted to be called when I had contractions. Of course I read the riot act so he eventually said that he might have more pressing matters to attend to than to phone her. I also put a ban on any visitors staying for one month (they live a long way away so stay in the house with us) so I could bond with the baby --not have gratutious advice--. It's your body/baby and you will not want to have visitors believe me. It's a time for you and your husband to bond with the baby.

catholicatheist Mon 01-Nov-10 12:57:28

I know I can see how it would ruin the experience. DH does seriously need to stop being a shitbag submissive son.

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