to refuse to put my ds1 in front of the tv all evening after school to avoid dh stressing over mess

[springchik]

My ds started school part time last week and full time next week. Last week my dc wanted to play play dough one morning - ds is doing afternoons at school. Anyway my ds2 aged 2 made his usual mess both dc had great fun. Dh came in from work during a very long break - like a split shift - and all hell broke loose. He was furious at the mess and play basicly ended and ds1 went to school stressed and dh was stresses at coming in to chaos. :( When I got in from dropping off ds1 play dough had been put away and ds2 was watching tv.

THis has happened many times before be it painting, play dough, moon sand, cutting and sticking. If he walk in on chaos after works and as with the nature of his work thats a different time every day/week he goes mad. I'm sure thats why ds never did painting at preschool. Dh said thats nothing to do with why he didnt paint there.

My mum witnessed it last week and said when ds starts school full time I need to put the tv on for the evening when we get in to avoid stress etc. I said I'm not prepared to do that not for all evening anyway as thats not fair on ds.

[firefliesinjune]

Children make mess. What does he really expect? Its not fair on the children to be made to feel like they are doing something wrong when in fact they are not. I would be very mad with my DH if he was like that

[maktaitai]

I sympathise with you - your dh is being a bit of a child himself. I'll tell you what I would consider doing, because I'm a bit of a wuss about challenging this kind of childish shit from men

Is there any alternative space where your children could do messy stuff - their bedroom? If there's a carpet there, what about a tarpaulin to cover it, or a very tough rug?

Could you say to your dh later on 'you seemed really stressed today coming in from work' and get him to say how he feels about it, without wading in? He's going to say crap stuff, but maybe let him say it and see if there are any routes forward?

Maybe you could suggest that he takes a break before coming home from work? There's a reason why there are so many pubs in this country - if he has 30 mins/an hour to himself to calm down, can he then come in like a human being?

I'm not saying that it's right he should do this. But every parent finds some stages of parenthood harder than others; you could try some give here?

[imregular]

yanbu. Maybe talk to dh and talk about how he can engage the kids in tidying, so it instills an awareness and appreciation of tidiness, rather thsn ending up being messy cos they have never learnt to tidy... Might appeal to his 'order of things' nature...

[TimothyTigerTuppennyTail]

Sympathies. YANBU, your DH is being an arse.

My DH is very similar, so it goes like this...

DH: I AM SICK TO DEATH OF COMING HOME TO THIS BLOODY MESS!!!

Me: Then don't. Bother coming home that is.

DS: Daddy, why are you such a muppet?

DH stomps off to sulk.

It probably won't get any better, but you may be able to develop strategies to deal with it!

[BibiBlocksberg]

....laptop covered in coffee now @ Daddy, why are you such a muppet?

Would your son like an all expenses paid holiday to the south coast to help me kick my DP into touch by any chance?

[HecateQueenOfWitches]

I think I'd be saying "Children make mess. If you don't want mess, you shouldn't have had children! When they're grown up and gone are you going to look back on your life and say 'my, we always had a tidy house' ? Children make mess. You'll never guess what! It - Shock horror - tidies up! Who'd have thought it?..."

[Goblinchild]

I agree that he's being unreasonable, but my dad was very like that. The compromise was that he had a quiet place when he came home to eat tea and read the newspaper without mess or children, and then was able to cope.
I find having a 30minute commute to work helps make a difference between home stress and work stress. It will work better if you don't just stand adn yell at each other, you need and effective solution even though he's the one with the problem.
Good storage for stuff not actually being played with helps too.

[AnyFucker]

why, why, why do women tip-toe around their bloke's feelings in this way ?

is he a higher being than you and the children ?

this is their home too....one person should not get to consistently be the boss of it

< despairs >

[Litchick]

Ask your DH to resolve this. He needs to understand for himself that he is BU.

Say, look we don't want to piss you off with the mess but what do you want the kids to do?

See if he really will admit he wants them to watch screens all day.

[bluecardi]

He just needs a transition from work to home. Could you have a quiet area for him. Once he's had a moment to pull himself together could your kids go & ask him to play with them.

[GetOrfMoiLand]

Agree AnyF - why put up with this, having children tiptoe round their father.

I bet they have to be quiet and are not allowed to race round.

What a horrible Victorian attitude to have towards your children. If he needs a bit of peace and quiet he can bugger off upstairs to bed.

Actually, no. What working woman comes in at the end of teh day and needs some quiet time with the paper? If you have kids you encoyurage them to play, and they help up tidying. No sit there all neatly watching TV in silence.

[MrsGravy]

BrightLightBrightLight, so good of you to time travel yourself forward from the 50's to proffer advice on this thread

OP, are there any issues you're not telling us about because I don't understand how any parent can walk through the door, see their young children happily engrossed in playing with playdough, and go mad about it.

How does this 'furiousness' manifest itself? I hope you're not putting up with being yelled at (or the children being yelled at) for this kind of thing. He sounds like a nasty piece of work on the face of it...

[GetOrfMoiLand]

Bluecardi and brightlight - your posts have astonished me.

WHY should a mother pander to the needs of her husband in this way? WHY would a bloke need to have transition time from work? What a crock of shit.

[GetOrfMoiLand]

Easiest way to destress after a day at work would be to sit down with your kids and piss about with play do, I would have thought.

[Bonsoir]

Actually, I think that it is very good practice for families to clear up mess in the early evening and get ready to wind down.

My DP gets home around 8pm and I do ensure the house is reasonably tidy. He absolutely needs to regroup when he gets back from work - that means sitting down in peace and quiet with me and off loading his day. He literally cannot function without this.

Both he and I tell the children to be quiet and go away during this time.

[bluecardi]

Not a crock of shit lol

Some people do like a moment of peace & quiet to de stress. My dh does this by saying hello & then going to get changed. Takes 5 mins. He comes home in the middle of dinner or bathtime so lots of noise.

[KickArseQueen]

I don't know if this helps any but when I was a kid my dad would come home to chaos most nights. His solution was to walk in the door, past everyone shout "Hi I'm home" and go straight to his room. He would shut the door, shower change and sit on the bed and chill for 5 mins.

Dad walking in the house was our tidy up signal.

By the time dad came down he had taken off his work head and was able to play /talk to us without work stuff whizzing round in his head.

And the house was tidy so we could play together/ eat tea.


My dp started getting stressy with the mess, so we have started a similar thing and its helping.


Your dp isn't being reasonable tho to expect immaculateness ( if the word even exhists!)

Don't take too much shit. Sometimes you need to draw a line. Good Luck.

[Litchick]

DH gets home around 8.30pm, so when kids were younger they were often in bed, and I would tidy up. A bit.

But the OP's DH turns up a different times, when the kids are still in the middle of playing.

These days, the DC are still in full throttle when DH gets home, and he says he prefers it.It makes him feel 'connected'.

[lucyintheskywithdinos]

Surely the appropriate response is to tell him to stop being an arse...

DP does this occasionally, usually if he has had a bad day at work. We ignore it, he soon cheers vup.

[ScroobiousPip]

Your DH is being thoroughly unreasonable. This is not a question of the DCs still running riot at 8pm when they should be winding down for bed but about your DH coming in during the middle of the day and being unable to cope with normal childish activities.

You need to stand up for your DCs against your DH's bullying behaviour because no one else will.

[KickArseQueen]

Getorf, Really not a crock of shit, :)

another one here saying yes my dp needs 5mins to clear his head of work stuff before jumping into the chaos with the kids.

Also I don't ignore my dp when he's had a bad day, he's my best friend - why would I do that?

Knows my foibles just as well, don't get why its "1950'S" to help each other out. I like the kids helping with the tidy up, its good practise and means that when they go to bed its not a messy chaos house :)

[GetOrfMoiLand]

Totally different if your DH gets in at 8 o clock as opposed to 4-5.

Yes I would agree that all play stuff needs to be put away in order to wind down, DD had to put her stuff away at 6 ish.

But kicking off like this about normal children's mess is unreasonable.

I still don't understand what all these husbands are doing in order to 'need' quite time in order to calm their precious nerves . Like I said, every working mother I know would NOT expect this - they would go home and get stuck straight in, either to cleaning, bathing children, cooking, whatever.

Not retreating with the paper in order to destress.