to buy a donor egg if mine are knackered?

[SassySusan]

Never thought I would, but find ourselves unexpectedly considering fertility treatment. Am a little over the hill. Apparently you can buy an anonymous donor egg in Spain without a wait - IVF has a higher success rate with the donor egg, and lots of the risks are reduced to that of a young mum (ie. the age of the donor)

DH and I are solvent, healthy, and nobody questions our ability to parent.

So have been surprised by the volume of negative reactions from family and friends to the idea. It's unnatural (what isn't!); the baby won't know its real mother (so what, lots won't know their bio Dad!); people shouldn't buy babies... etc.

I see it purely as a pratical issue - if we went down this route, it would be can we afford it, take the disappointment of failure etc. Can't see that there are any real moral/ethical issues for the baby... AIBU?

[Minxie1977]

YANBU

[chandellina]

I don't think YABU to consider or pursue it, but there are definitely issues to think about.

[SassySusan]

Thank Chandellina - what do you think the issues are?

[expatinscotland]

I think some find the ethical and moral issue is that sometimes very desperate women sell their eggs to alleviate their dire poverty, and buying them can be considered exploiting poor women and basically, on par with buying any other sort of body part.

[DilysPrice]

A lot of adults do have concerns about not being able to trace their biological parent - yes a lot of people do have biological fathers who go missing, but no-one would claim that it's ideal. Is it possible to trace under the Spanish system?

[expatinscotland]

it's a difficult decision.

[Northernlurker]

If you don't use that egg it will never become a baby anyway so I think the ethical implications are very limited. If you want a child and will love it wholeheartedly having carried it then go for it.
Susan - I've read some of your posts since you joined mnet and I absolutely think that this a road you and dh should go down. YOur life as parents was stolen from you by a cruel and incomprehensible event and I think you should have the chance to have that joy back in your lives. Not the same joy of course - but a new sort of joy that lives alongside your memories.

YANBU - book the plane tickets!

[clairefromsteps]

YANBU. I can't see that there is a moral dilemma at all and it's a bit sad that you're not getting a bit more support from friends and family. Maybe they'll come round a bit when they've had time to think about it?

BTW, interesting that you say the baby won't know it's 'real' mother. I know you mean the bio mother, but the 'real' mother is the one who gets up in the night, nurses it through chickenpox, goes to their first school play etc - which will be you!

[SassySusan]

DilysPrice No it's not - I'm no expert, but my understanding is that in the UK, where you need to give your details, and the child can trace the donor - basically there are very few donors... so you wait years for an egg... or find your own donor...

In Spain, egg donation is anonymous, and you can be paid for it... So tehre are plentiful donors and you don't wait.

I don't think it is on a par with buying a body part though - women have lots of eggs which they don't need... it's hardly teh same as selling a kidney!

[ozmetric]

YANBU

[expatinscotland]

I agree, Susan, but some see it that way this may be what your family is thinking.

[lucy101]

Three people I know have done this, two with eggs from the UK, one with eggs from Spain. Apparently under the Spanish system the donor cannot be traced in the future.

There are issues to consider, particularly around telling your children (it is probably best to and early so they grow up with the idea) but it has been a wonderful thing for the people I know who have done it.

[tholeon]

hi

Firstly, many women do concieve naturally over 40, particularly if they have done so before. Others are successful using ivf with their own eggs.

It is not at all unreasonable to consider donor eggs though. I guess that there are all sorts of reasons why people have children and for some the genetic inheritance factor would be important. For others less so. As long as you and your partner have thought about this carefully I think that is all that is important.

fertilityfriends.co.uk has a lot of helpful information for people considering all sorts of fertility treatment including donor eggs.

I remember your previous threads, and I really do wish you all the best. You have always sounded like someone you considers things carefully and with your partner, and I think that is the main thing.

[SassySusan]

Thanks northernlurker that's really kind of you... though we had some tests,and the consultant says we have a fair chance of concieving naturally.. However, this is a back stop plan, and I want to think it through in case we need it... so no planes... just yet!

[SassySusan]

I like this place...

Every time I come in here and say AIBU, you all seem to say no..

I think maybe I need new friends and family instead!!

[WhereYouLeftIt]

OK, looking at it as a pratical issue rather than moral/ethical ...

"Apparently you can buy an anonymous donor egg in Spain"

Can you? From who? Who gets the money, the donor or the middle-man? If it's anonymous and you never meet the mother, how can you rate the quality of the eggs How can you be sure the donor was not put under duress?

You risk financing organised crime, and you could be buying a pig in a poke. Doesn't sound very practical to me.

[chillichill]

YANBU, but just curious - are you considering adoption? or is it that you really want to carry the child? sorry to pry, as I said, just curious.

[chandellina]

there is lots of information out there, about the broader issues, and the more specific dealings in countries like Spain. Some of it positive, some negative. I think it's the Guardian that did quite a few stories on the "industry."
I found
this article really helpful to figuring out my own feelings on the whole thing.

[chillichill]

whereyouleftit... its spain, not the 3rd world, I don't think egg donors support organized crime. its a proper operation, I looked into doing it when I was at university, and its very regulated. plus, its hardly the kind of thing you buy without research.

[Northernlurker]

this is interesting and explains how the egg donation works.

Susan - all the best with this endeavour

[SassySusan]

Whereyoulefit Good Grief! Just because it is anonymous, doesn't mean it's unregulated! I give blood anonymously all the time, and haven't contributed to organised crime.

ChilliChilli Ideally I would want mine and DH's biological child.

Adoption is not an easy alternative. Process is very long - could be years... We are also probably too old to be considered for a baby/young child. DH is 49.

I also think there are advantages in carrying the child oneself. You can control the environemnt in the womb (e.g no alcohol, smoking etc) and breastfeed - which is both bonding and gives baby the best start. It would also be my DH's bio child, and hopefully have his brains

[andiem]

Susan I have had donor treatment at IM in barcelona would be happy to e mail if you want

[WhereYouLeftIt]

Sorry Sassy, it was your use of the word 'Apparently' - made it sound cloak&dagger to me

[chillichill]

Susan, you obviously have looked into all your options and are very level headed about it all. I wish you the best of luck conceiving, whatever way it happens for you :-)

[quiddity]

YANBU

There's a fertility clinic in Barbados too where you don't have to wait, they get donor eggs from all over the world.