to feel cross with friend for telling off my child?(35 Posts)
My friend and I have five year old boys and we met when they were six months old. They are now friends. When we are together with the children I find that although I never tell off her son and leave that to her, she will often do that to my boy. I wouldn't mind so much if he had done something deliberately naughty but sometimes I don't agree with what she says. For example this morning we were at a gardening club and he loved the apple press, he went to keep turning the handle after the apples had been turned out and she told him quite sharply, "No, it's not for playing with" (whereas I was going to go up and hold it making sure it was safe) When picking tomatoes in the greenhouse, we had explained about only picking really red ones, but he got another 'No!' for one not red enough, bless him, he was just excited to pick them... also there were a couple of other times, I think he tossed a pear into a box (we'd been doing the same with apples all morning)It's a lot of this "NOooo" which I never do and I worry that he might lose his spontaneity and become wary of trying new things for fear of reprisal for getting it wrong. What do you think? Maybe I am just being sensitive? She does not do it to her own boys however praises him lots eg. "I know you'd be the man for the job"
tell her she is probably unaware that she is doing it and tell her too that you may be being over sensitive - but that when you are there you will discipline your child when you see fit and she doesn't need to do it too.
Ifthe two of you are friends she will understand and it shouldn't be a problem.
If you leave it it will continue to bug you and ultimately you will over react.
YANBU. How does your son react? Does he brush it off or does he look taken aback?
Absolutely what pag says.
Say something now, or it will grate and you will end up either snapping at her, or breaking away completely.
I have this with a friend too. It is very annoying, but I've taken to contradicting her ie "Actually, I think it's fine if he does that" when she does it.
It seems to have helped - the last few times we've met, instead of telling off my ds, she's turned to me and asked "Don't you mind him doing that?" etc.
But our situation is slightly different because she is constantly telling off her ds too.
If you're brave, you can do what pagwatch said (my way is the slightly more cowardly way )
I'd go with Hope on this. That's a good way of handling it .
Cowardly is good - I like your suggestion too!
FranSanDisco- it depends, he usually stops and looks at her while she shakes her head and does the Nooo, and i might try and say something like 'it's ok' He never mentions it and seems to like her ok. She is overall very sweet to them, especially with treats. She never does the "Nooo" to her own child though and I am beginning to wonder if she doesn't like mine for some reason, as she didn't do it with the little girl she was looking after today, either. I started thinking, maybe I should be telling him off more or somthing! (mine I mean!) I started really pointedly saying really positive things like 'great teamwork' to both boys or 'that's lovely, thank you' to hers...
i also do what hope does.
it works really well. in my case it's my mum who constantly tells the kids not to do stuff and i just say "oh, he's fine" and then tell whichever of them it is to carry on
were the other 2 children doing the same things as your son?
if so, then it's pretty weird. but if they were being "good" (and i mean, HER definition of good) and it was only your son doin the things she thought were wrong then that would be why she only said no to him
she obviously just has ideas of what is and isn't appropriate and gets carried away- forgetting that you may have other ideas!
I knew being non-confrontational would pay off at some point
Yesterday- yes maybe you're right. her boy is quite sort of placid and grown up.
Ah, Custardo raises the stakes somewhat to the "Highly Aggresive Level"
Think I'll go cowardly then if continues get brave!
sounds like you have different standards of behaviour
it's not going to change
and it's not a big deal
don't see her if it pisses you off because it's innate and she ain't going to change
Is she raising her voice and shouting at your child or is she just telling him "no" when he does something he shouldnt?
The problem is, if her boy is very well behaved, and does as he is expected, and your boy is more boisterous and keeps doing things he is not supposed to, and her boy sees that YOUR boy is getting away with "naughtyness", her boy may copy your, and SHE will end up with a child too boisterious for her liking....
QS- don't think is bad behaviour though- that would be (for me) deliberate naughtiness eg hurting someone. Am trained as early years teacher, and quite into children being able to play, explore etc. Don't think she quite gets that.
I think when you are there it´s OK to tell your son that he may do something even though she has said no.
Have thought through it and have thought what would do next time, maybe say "I'll handle this" when she starts the No (which is not shouting although sometimes loud if further away!) then say to Elliot something like 'careful, pears bruise more easily than apples... Think sometimes problem has been have felt bit undermined and cross and not said anything, so maybe she feels she needs to step in, perhaps...
I had a friend with 2 girls, 5 at the time and one day when I was at her house with my 2 sons,(elder was 5) I suddenly noticed my 2 year old son was pushing and being aggressive to one of them.
Before I could react, this friend suddenly turned to me and informed me that my son was badly behaved and needed more discipline.
I was so taken aback, I apologised and told him to stop.
But my older son then told me my friends daughter had been giving his younger brother marbles and telling him they were sweets. He had put one in his mouth and she had started laughing at him and telling him to eat more.It was at that point that he had apparently become aggressive -maybe he had realised he was being made fun of.
My friend wasn't interested in hearing this and continued to criticise my2 year old. I began to doubt my older son until he showed me the marbles and I realised the girl would not look at me. .........She continued to deny doing anything but I chose to believe my son.
The friendship ended soon after.
I made a point to never criticise friends children after this, exception being one really good friend who I absolutely trust.
Coodles- that is awful, esp as he could have choked! Think some people see their own children through some kind of rosy haze! Also, have a 2 year old so know how is age common for pushing etc, shouldn't be treated like a 5 yr old!
LittleBlossom, I don't think YABU at all. While you are there she has no reason to say things to discipline your child. It is up to you! And if you think what he is doing is ok and you're not saying "no, don't do that" etc, then IMVHO she should keep her mouth shut, unless of course he's doing something dangerous.
My friend does this with my DD and it makes my hackles rise. I've never said anything but I would never ever talk to her DS the way she does to DD. It's just little things like for instance we were on the park the other day and I said, "DD would you like a banana?" DD said no and before I could say anything my friend chips in "*thankyou*!" or I asked DD to sit down whilst having a lollipop. I wasn't too bothered about her actually sitting down as long as she wasn't running around with it but my friend then said, "SIT DOWN wandering's DD!"DD is 3.
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