Right, I fear this will be along one, so here goes.
we have a (at best) fractured relationship with dh's parents. they are toxic in the extreme, and we are currently not flavour of the month.
this stems from a big row last year, where we travelled a long way for their Golden Wedding anniversary, were treated appallingly (travel not easy for us, as dd1 (ASD) doesn't always cope well). due to several factors, but mostly dd1 being upset after the journey (overnight drive to the other end of the country), we missed seeing them for afternoon tea the day before the party. obviously the biggest crime in the world 
. we were due at the party the next day, family lunch at their house the day after that, family lunch at the place we were renting the day after that. plus we were staying for the week after, to see more of them too.
this led to FIL ranting at my step-children, who popped round with a box of chocs and a bottle of wine to apologise (dh and I were still calming/comforting dd1). step children were then 19 and 17, and were physically scared of their grandfather, who shouted a lot of abuse, and slammed the door in their faces. dh asked for an apology, this has never been forthcoming (sorry, just trying to give brief background to where we are now)
fast forward to this year, and PIL have been stirring things with dh's brothers. we don't get invited to BIL's 50th celebration. dh speaks to BIL, who confirms this is the reason behind non-invite.
dh is obviously hurt and upset, but trying to carry on even a fractured relationship with his parents.
so, we are holding a Christening party for our dds. sorry, but there is back story to this too. we originally didn't have dd1 Christened, but had a Naming ceremony (religious differences between dh & I, couldn't decide (amicably) which religion to go for, so hedged bets)
PIL not happy with this, and ranted on at us for years about how dd would be consigned forever to Purgatory if she died un-Christened . honeslty, FIL brought it up in every conversation we had.
dd2 came along, and we were still undecided about what to do, and also in the middle of dd1's ASD diagnosis, etc. lots of shit going on, really. so poor dd2 didn't even get a Naming.
last year, we had them both Christened, privately. dh & i had sorted out our differences, and the opportunity came up while staying with friends - there was a priest staying too (you couldn't make this up 
), and he organised a quick service for us - all legit. we told PIL this last year (after the fact - it really was a spur of the moment thing, no-one was there apart form friends we were staying with)
anyway. back to today. we are finally holding a proper Christening party for the girls. It's more than that, really, as we have had a tough few years, but dd1 now settled at school - we fought the LA for that and won. we have been moving around alot to get the best school for dd1, and have recently moved again. life is feelign settled and good, and it's a time for celebration, for us. we decided to have a Christening party, as it would be a good reason to get all of dd2's Godparents together (who all know that they "missed" the Christening, as such, and are happy with this) - they haven't met as a group before.
so, we send an invite around, pretty much saying all of the above.
and PIL reply:
"Hello MrSilverfrog:
We ought to be grateful to have been copied into the many e-mail
addresses of your friends to join the celebration.
It is a great relief to learn that you eventually decided to have your
two girls christened. We have prayed for this to happen for a long
time and would have flown to anywhere to join this baptism.
A belated party for this event at such short notice is not the same
and does not convey the same spirit.
Your loving Parents."
the party is being held in 6 weeks time - a bit short notice, i suppose, but not like it's tomorrow.
dh is fuming. it just feels like such a kick in the teeth, especially following on from not being invited (due to his parents bitching) to the big family even that was his brother's 50th.
so, what would you do?
AIBU?
more family issues - how would you respond to this reply from PIL?
silverfrog · 25/08/2010 16:00
Honestly? I would just reply back something like:
"Ok Mum & Dad. I'm sorry you feel so disappointed in the paths we have chosen. You remain welcome at the party, should you wish to attend - just let us know."
And leave it at that.
You would be utterly within your rights to kick off at them. But I sense that would just cause you, and DH, more stress, and pain, and anger.
I don't think you're going to be able to win them round. So I think you've just got to accept that they are fucked up, and try and do the right thing, not for their sake but so that you lose the least amount sleep over it.
Really sorry BTW. It sounds fun. I'd come
I have already cautioned dh not to rant back at them
I owuld be so inclined ot never see them again, but that's easy for me to say - they're not my parents.
I think it's the "we ought to be grateful..." bit that grates with me - the implication being, they're not 
I think dh is so upset because he is seeing it as another step towards the final result - not really bothering with them.
bloody hell, families are problematic, aren't they?
ANTagony - issues well known and sniped discussed within the family. PIL's favourite game is divide and rule amongst their children, so whoever is currently out of favour gets bitched about and torn apart.
diddl - really? I'm trying hard, but I can't see it like that. the actual Christening was not an organised event, it was just something that happened, Nobody was there - it is not as though we didn't invite PIL alone.
As I said earlier, the party is about more than the Christening, it is just a good label for the party if you like.
It's about finally being settled and happy as a family, about having won (for now) our fight with the LA. It's about having a day for our girls, because we have lost so many already to combing through legal documents, etc. And they know all this.
notquitenormal -tempting
Don’t want to miss threads like this?
Weekly
Sign up to our weekly round up and get all the best threads sent straight to your inbox!
Log in to update your newsletter preferences.
You've subscribed!
sorry, x-posts.
diddl, yes I cna see what you mean re: christening being important to them (althoguh think it was a bit of them to repeatedly tell us how much our children would suffer if they died before we got around to it. especially since this is not how it is viewed by the church anymore anyway)
but we told them about the Christening. we explained it all. their only reaction at the time? relief that we had finally done it. a bit odd to now be throwing the toys out of the pram, surely, more than a year later?
don't really want to play tit-for-tat. just wan tto know how we should respond. I am no good at playing political games - as I said before, if my parents (they are now dead) had behaved like this I'd have told them to grow up! but that's my relationship with my parents. dh's is clearly different (his father was very abusive during dh's childhood)
I don't think ignoring is the right way ofrward, unfortunately. this tends to mean that PIL think it is all swept nicely under the carpet, never to be mentioned again. and that when they pop up again in a few months time, wanting to visit, or wanting news/photos of the girls, we should all be best friends
To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.