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Please, please help - how do I deal with this?(18 Posts)
I have just been on a caravan holiday with my husband, 2 children and in laws. My ds is allergic to nuts and eggs. Throughout the 4 day holiday my son had to put up with the following:
- being offered sausage, eggg and bacon for breakfast
- my fil having honey loops and singing/dancing round the kitchen saying I'm eating honey nut loops.
- my fil cooking a fried egg, showing the egg to my son saying 'look at this lovely yummy creamy egg'
- my ds being unable to have ice cream in a restaurant (had egg in it), my fil then continued to order the very ice cream that ds couldn't have saying 'I hope it's a big one' whilst waiting for it. Then eating it in front of him. The mil chaged her cream accompayment to the same ice cream.
- (on another occasion) my fil trying to buy my dd ice cream knowing that my ds couldn't have it.
- After ordering soup for lunch, my fil looks down the menu and says oh look cashew nuts- we could order cashew nuts'
- my fil insisting that he ate fried/scrambled egg for breakfast every day even though we asked him not to (it's my holiday is the response we get).
- my fil asking to 'swap' food at lunch time with my son knowing full well there was mayo in his sandwich.
I am so outraged and upset by the whole thing. I didn't make a fuss at the time as I didn't want my ds to think he had been the cause of a row. My dh put it all down to his dad being a bit thick - I put it down to active bullying. Please, please tell me what you think. Am I over reacting? Thanks so much in advance for your responses.
I think it goes without saying that your fil is 'a bit thick'. I have no idea whether or not he is also vindictive, but I would make sure that I NEVER went on holiday with the stupid old fucker again!!!
how bloody awful for you.
Does FIL actually realise how serious the allergies are? I mean, presumably you have sat him down and actually explained the consequences of DS eating food he is allergic to?
It comes across from your description that FIL thinks its all a big fuss over nothing, ignore it and it will go away, type of thing.
it does sound like you need to talk to him though, I agree with lightshines, it sounds like he doesn't believe it
Yes, it sounds to me like the in-laws are thick, and possibly think you're being faddy about food, as opposed to the real, actual danger the foods pose. They need to be told, and a list of foods provided. A lot of people don't realise there's egg in ice-cream and mayonnaise.
Many people don't "get" allergies, even some fathers. If you can take them along to see a consultant with you that can help. But this sounds like much more than this and FIL trying to show the allergies aren't serious. And you reinforced that by not saying anything.
How bad are your child's allergies? I don't know if honey nut loops contain nuts but if they do and anyone attempted to bring a packet into a caravan with me either they'd be out the door or we would be. Or I'd suggest sticking an out-of-date epipen into them so they could get some idea of what it was like (couldn't do it, of course but most people hate the idea of needles)
This is a case for your dh to speak to his father and explain that you can not go on holiday with them again because he ruined your son's holiday. What did he (i.e your husband) say at the time?
Yeah it does sound like your fil just doesn't believe it. sorry he sounds like an idiot.
lots of them about!
your dh needs to have a serious word with his parents.
I'd avoid holidays with them from now on.
I think part of your outrage may be that you did not feel you could say anything at the time as it would caused a row. But your son WOULD not have been the cause of the row - your FIL's behaviour would have been and you could explain this to your son.
I think you would have felt better had you stuck to your guns and kept repeating NO ds is allergic grandad don't you remember???? every time he proffered the wrong food.
Stand your ground, you and your DS will feel a whole lot better about the situation.
if your son's allergies are very serious then he needs to see you take it seriously and until he can stand up for himself he needs to see you and dh do it for him.
Go on - dont be frightened to cause a row - you have every right to insist your fil takes your son's health seriously. you can do it!!
btw= had a similiar situation with MIL who will insist on offering choc to my dd - it gives her appalling diarrhoea - so each time I say No thank you, don't your remember Gran it makes dd poorly - as loudly as I can! I also take a small pack of sweets to give to dd instead.
thank you for your responses. My ds has a life threatening allergy to nuts and eggs and both MIL and FIL ar fully aware of this. They have both been trained to use the epipen and my MIL was present when my ds had an anapylactic shock. Tatt - the point with the honey loops is that they don't actually have nuts in but FIL obviously thought it would be funny to pretend that they did and sing about it to wind my ds up. As for the offering food - FIL would never actually allow my ds to have the food - he just offers it and then will say 'oh it has nuts in it...but I/your sister/nana can eat it' and so brings issues that don't even need to exist. Giveloveachance - I really understand your point about us having to stand up for him in front of him so that he can learn to do the same when he is older. thanks again
Based upon some of the bad allergic reactions I have heard re nuts - I would be minded to say something like 'Oh, has that got nuts in - we can't have it in the house/caravan/room, snatch it away and throw away in dustbin/black rubbish bin. And make it clear that if one person can't have somthing, that its not fair if other people have it - and that there is potential for allergy from accidental contact if this does happen.
You or your dh have to stand up for your child, it's potentially dangerous to have food waved around them if they have anaphylactic reactions to it. Say nothing and they don't take it seriously and can't be trusted alone with your child.
if you are comfortable with the idea of the safety issues being covered.
ie fil wont give suspect food, and would be a trustworthy person to have the care of your child, you need to give this some thought.
If you are going on holiday again, you could make sure your child has something,a big something , out of the ordinary for you to give him, when ever unkind family rub this allergy stuff in.
for instance at easter my son often ended up with a huge egg , because the smaller treats were out of bounds.
there is no harm in anouncing something along the lines of praising your child when he doenst react to his fil's poor choice of phrase ( the bullying) and hand him something. praise in such a way that fil is shown to be a fault, for instance,
how about saying,
'i know you (yr son) cant that that ice cream, you understand your allergies, and that you cant have egg, well done for not making a fuss. you know that you can have ----? later
theres nothing wrong with you joking with fil, for instance when he offered to swop the sandwich to your child, you could have said, 'here , swop with me, I put rat poison in this one, its up to you to drink some water with it'
and then you could turn around to your son and praise him for saying no to a grown up, because thats a very difficult thing to do, and being aware of not eating any food that mummy and daddy have checked.
Keep this in the same jokey tone that he has, and then with luck he might pause for thought every time.
on a reality check though, as your child gets older , this will be the norm for your child. There will always be people who eat food he cant around him.
I can understand you wanting to keep this sort of thing low for his early years.
once they go to school, and senior school, and adult life, this will be the norm for him.
Does he realise this upsets you, or does he just think that it is just a bit of "harmless" joking around? If he knows it upsets you, I wouldn't worry about upsetting him in return and ensuring he is in no way uncertain as to just how unacceptable this is. If however, he is just a bit tactless (sp?) then maybe a quiet word with your mil about how upsetting you and your ds find it would help. She can then explain it to him in a way that is most likely to get a positive response.
Another thing to think about is whether you trust him not to give your ds eggs or nuts (possibly even on purpose?) if he was left on his own in your fil's care.
Personally I think you clearly have the patience of a saint to put up with this. (I'd probably have just decked him.)
sorry but your fil is a complete jerk . Your poor DS ! I would take the old sod to one side and give him the telling off of his life .
Just found this info on Honey Nut Loops
From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
Jump to: navigation, search
Honey Loops is a breakfast cereal made by Kellogg's and sold in Germany, the UK, Argentina and Chile. The mascot of Honey Loops is a honeybee called Loopy. The cereal was originally marketed as Honey Nut Loops, however the Nut has since been dropped from the name in 1998.
In Argentina and Chile the cereal is marketed as Honey Nutos.
Cereal Flours (Wholeoats, Wholewheat Wholebarley, Whole Rye), Sugar, Honey (4.5%), Glucose Syrup, Salt, Tricalcium Phosphate, Flavouring, Niacin, Iron, Colour (mixed Carotenes), Vitamin B6, Riboflavin (B2) Thiamin (B1 Folic Acid, Antioxidant (Ascorbyl Palmitate, Alpha Tocopherol), Vitamin B12
OUT OUT OUT
OUT THE FUCKING OUT
I would make it UTTERLY CLEAR to fil how upsetting his behavior is and if it continues he is OUT of your lives.
You poor thing! I have similar issues with my mil and fil not taking allergies very seriously. As my DD is only a baby and not yet realising what treats she is missing out on it isn't too bad yet. I think generally it's easier to deal with your own parents- if they behaved like that then you would easily tell them where to get off but when it's the in laws it's harder. Also as your DH didn't speak up at the time any discussion on the matter will look like it was prompted by you so you might as well tell them yourself. You could say it had upset your child? surely any grandparent wouldn't knowingly upset their grandchild??
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