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wondering if any of you have an allergic ds, and are a hopeless p? or xp has access?

(15 Posts)
ratbunny Sun 27-Jul-08 19:53:51

I am separated with h, and the thought of him dealing with ds's allergies fills me with horror. ds is 18mo btw.

When asked what ds is allergic to he replies dairy and soya. Well, thats what he USED to be allergic to - he can now tolerate dairy (except milk, seems his is still intolerant to that), and he has also grown out of soya allergy. But he is allergic to egg and sesame (and obv avoid nuts). And I have told him, he just doenst seem to take it in.

His reaction to these is to break out in hives, no anaphylaxis, but I am always aware of it's possibility. He doesnt treat his eczema properly (he doesnt like doing the creams, says they do more harm than good hmm ), and when he sees ds he forgets such simple things as his before-bed bottle.

So anyone got advice for when xh evntually takes ds out?

I was going to go along the lines of:
trying to get an epipen, since I dont believe xh will actually check ingredients. At least if it happens he will have a treatment there and then.
AND making packed lunches for him
AND telling xh not to let him eat ANYTHING else, except fruit.
AND starting with him taking ds out just for the afternoon until I am confident he knows about his allergies.

We are mostly amicable, so he doesnt have a problem with seeing ds round mine. In fact, he likes it when we are all together hmm So I am not limiting how often he can see him.

I mean, I cant actually test xh on it can I? Like, which of these foods can he eat (and see if he reads the ingredients).

Has anyone a way of training a useless xp about something so serious?

barnsleybelle Sun 27-Jul-08 20:03:54

Oh dear, My heart goes out to you. You will never rest.
My youngest has a long list of food allergies. My dh works away for long periods of time and when he comes home he never remembers even to use her special spread say, and i find him smearing lurpak all over her toast!!

I never leave him for a minute to organise her food.

If things are amicable you could maybe say, that although you appreciate it may sound patronising, the health of your child is paramount in your mind. Maybe say you might sound silly but he has to understand how worried you are.
I would do a food plan for every meal/snack for the time he has got the child and suggest he follows it. Make him understand the worst case scenario should he slip up, and assure him this has never happened yet simply because you are so thorough.

You never know, he may find the food plan really helpful, and although may not admit it, will probably follow it to the letter.
Writing it all down for him means he can fold it away, tut if he likes, but will most likely be thankful for it.

ratbunny Sun 27-Jul-08 20:12:09

thanks.
he is also very allergic to cats (hives again) and xh is currnelty lodging with someone with 3 cats. not sure how that will work

"Make him understand the worst case scenario should he slip up, and assure him this has never happened yet simply because you are so thorough." yeah, that is a good idea. xh has never seen a reaction, and I KNOW a lot of people dont really believe in food allergies until they see them iyswim

do you think the epipen is a good idea?

ratbunny Sun 27-Jul-08 20:15:20

ds is really good at talking, so I am condiering training him to say 'check ingredients' to his daddy! I think I have more chance of that happening than of xh becoming responsible..

KerryMum Sun 27-Jul-08 20:22:19

I would not let xdh near my kids if he did not take their allergies seriously. ds1 has anaphylaxis to dairy, nuts and eggs. ds2 allergic to dairy and eggs. ds1 is also allergic to about 30 other things.

xdh has born witness to ds1's severe reactions and gone to consultant appointments with me when ds1 was younger so I guess that helps,.

If your xdh keeps on along these lines I would get a court order looking for sole custody. If they can't be trusted to look after our kid's fundamental health problems then they shouldn't be allowed to have unsupervised access.

barnsleybelle Sun 27-Jul-08 20:25:18

The epipen is possibly a bit extreme, but i'm not sure. You would then have to be sure he knew how and when to administer it. Would your GP provide it anyway.

I know what you mean about other people not getting it. When my dd experiences an allergy she's in a real mess, vomits the entire day and face and neck is so red she's like a traffic light!

Could you maybe get your health visitor or dieticion to do a letter for him. I know they are not always helpful, but some are. My dieticion is wonderful.

I defo think the way forward is printing some literature re food allergies off the internet for him and doing a huge long list of whats ok to eat and not ok to eat. Make it dead obvious so he can check your list and plan ahead. Say.......... can eat... apples, pears, carrots, chips etc. Can't eat... milk, cheese, yoghurts etc. Include EVERYTHING you can think of, like ice cream say. My dh is ALWAYS about to get her an ice cream, until i say DOH!!!? Make sure he knows that before your child eats ANYTHING he has to look at the list.

ratbunny Sun 27-Jul-08 20:28:22

the thing is if I talk to him about it, he just spounts that he KNOWS all about it etc etc
But I dont believe he would do the ingredient checking, being vigilant when they are around food (eg bbq's / food round his mums). And like I said, when asked, he 'forgot' his sesame and egg allergies..

But how can I prove this? Like I said, I cant exactly test him.

barnsleybelle Sun 27-Jul-08 20:28:51

Ps. I think spending the time to educate your exh to allow your child time with their dad is a better plan than cutting him off completely. It's just a lack of understanding that's missing probably, and not a lack of genuine care. maybe look at setting up an apt for your exh with gp or hv etc.

Don't be too hasty in cutting dad off. Kids need both parents if they are lucky enough to have them.

exh just needs educating.

ratbunny Sun 27-Jul-08 20:29:51

spouts, not spounts..

ratbunny Sun 27-Jul-08 20:30:47

no I agree, he needs educating. I have no intention of cutting him off. But he doesnt seem to realise he knows NOTHING about it, and how dangerous that could be. Thats what is so worrying.

barnsleybelle Sun 27-Jul-08 20:32:14

I would do the list. Maybe he's just too proud and stubborn to talk about it. He may not admit it, but will likely use the list when your not around.

Could you speak to his mum?

ratbunny Sun 27-Jul-08 20:36:15

unfortunately cant talk to his mother as she is pure evil unfortunately..

barnsleybelle Sun 27-Jul-08 20:44:35

oh dear.....

don't know what say tbh, other than i do empathise with you. I'm reluctant to let my dd go with anyone for any length of time as i'm so worried they will slip up.
i've not gone back to work on the strength of my concerns. I do however totally appreciate that spending time with dad is different to my situ.

ratbunny Sun 27-Jul-08 21:10:06

ok, so my plan is....

to make a list of definite CAN HAVE and CANT HAVE foods help making the list here is appreciated
to get a letter / literature from the dietician and dermatologist to back me up
to get literature on line about the seriousness of food allergies

thanks for your advice

barnsleybelle Sun 27-Jul-08 21:16:14

Sounds like a good plan......

I really hope it all works out for you.
Let me know how you get on.

good luck

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