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MIL Allergy Rant - 2 years on and she still doesn't get it!

(37 Posts)
kinderbobsleigh Sun 19-Dec-04 06:28:14

So, the MIL has accepted an invitation for us all to go and see some "old friends" of theirs out in the Country on 27th December for a BBQ.

I ask her to call the hostess and let her know that Bob and I can't have egg or peanuts, and that he is also allergic to latex (so no balloons or poinsettias in the house). She tells me that the hostess has requested that Bob and I bring our own food.

Okay so that's fair enough, after the xmas I could only eat potatoes and peas at their house, I know to bring food or starve. But I am cross that she seemed unable to risk offending the hostess by pointing out that anybody eating peanuts, partially cooked or raw egg and then handling or kissing Bob, or any balloons left around could be very bad news indeed, especially as they are a long way from the hospital.

I will ring hostess myself, but just can't get over how she would rather risk her Grandson's life than upset a woman she sees twice a year.

SantaGoesToTheGym Sun 19-Dec-04 06:44:27

Refuse to go ?? just a thought

Get the egg and the peanut thing and the latex, but why the Poinsettias ?? Is it all Poinsettias or all flowers ??

What does your Dh think ??

Actually, the more I think about it, aren't you to have a migraine that day ??

heavenlyghost Sun 19-Dec-04 06:48:24

Kinderbobsleigh ...
Ahem ... I don't mean to be funny but did you forget that we had a prior arrangement and you were coming up to Auckland to spend a couple of days with us?? I am quite offended that you are going to see MIL's friend instead! ....
Seriously ... tell them to bog off .... this is the silly MIL that calls Bob, Rob, right????
Sympathies, sympathies ....

kinderbobsleigh Sun 19-Dec-04 07:02:45

The reason we are invited is because SIL is over from UK and is staying with us. I think they are just trying to find lots of reasons to see her - despite the fact they have just spent 3 months with her in UK.

Poinsettias have a milky sap which people with latex allergy apparently react to. I am not willing to find out!

Dh is currently saying that he's not going if they can't be bothered making sure his son and wife are fed and happy.

SantaGoesToTheGym Sun 19-Dec-04 07:18:33

I am with DH, can't SIL go on her own ?? You may both enjoy the day or so apart.

A lady in the house opposite to us, used to say, visitors and fish stink after two days

So you may be glad of the break

pixiefish Sun 19-Dec-04 09:01:56


or heavenleyghosts's prior booking at her house- how could you forget

kinderbobsleigh Sun 19-Dec-04 19:22:27

It may not be that bad, if the situation looks dodgy I'm sure we can pop in and say hi, have a cup of tea whilst ds plays outside in the hopefully balloon free garden and then go home leaving MIL to drive SIL back to our house.

I'm not going to educate people about allergies by stopping at home with a "migraine".

tatt Mon 20-Dec-04 07:01:05

agree kinderbobsleigh - ring the hostess, explain the position to her then either agree you'll stay away or if its dangerous when you get there leave. Unfortunately quite a few people would rather not see those with allergies because they don't want the responsibility.

kinderbobsleigh Mon 20-Dec-04 07:49:45

I doubt the hostess has had much of a say. I'm sure she will be lovely when I call. I think my MIL is projecting her own feelings about the situation.

heavenlyghost Mon 20-Dec-04 08:50:28

Kinderbobsleigh ... you are right ... you won't educate people about bob's allergies by staying away ... and you should go ...
I was just trying to make you smile
I am thinking that unfortunately you MIL is so blinkered about this that she may only see the seriousness of bob's allergies if he has a nasty reaction in her presence ... and let's hope that doesn't happen ...
I wish I could give some better help here ... but I have no knowledge really in this area.

vict17 Mon 20-Dec-04 09:05:21

ok I might be missing the point here but how likely at a bbq is it that they're will be peanuts and eggs, and even balloons? My neice has a nut allergy and no one has ever stopped anyone in our family from kissing her after eating something. With these allergies why would you be only able to eat potatoes and peas one Xmas? Perhaps I'm just not getting the seriousness of this particular allergy though.... surely you and ds can just have hot dogs/ beef burgers and salad at the bbq?

kinderbobsleigh Mon 20-Dec-04 09:15:48

It's Christmas - old people have little tiny dishes of salted peanuts.

Eggs are in mayonaise, salad cream etc. We are in NZ so they will have a Pavlova probably, virtually all cakes contain egg, but it's the raw egg that's in mayonaise that really bothers me.

It's Christmas - people have balloons as decorations.

The potato and pea Christmas was because my MIL refused to show me the labels for any of the food, and at that time we couldn't eat dairy products either, and they are in stuff like boiled ham.

You are right that we can eat lots of things at a BBQ - it's just that I would need to see product labels before I risk giving anything to ds. Red wine has egg in it, and whilst I am not going to give that to ds it is a good example of something you would never think would have an egg in it!

iwantthatone Mon 20-Dec-04 10:41:56

Hello kinderbobsleigh,

Just read your post and it reminds me of myself 8 years ago. My eldest is 10 now and the situation is different now. I fully understand.

However, I do get the impression that you want to educate everyone (particularly MIL) about your childs allergy. Why would they be interested? Your MIL obviously isn't!

(I used to get frustrated too, its not worth it.)

I wish people were interested, but the reality is that its unusual to find someone who is prepared to accomodate your needs.

I think the only thing you should do, is what YOU want to do.

Why would you want to go to a place where you have to leave your child outside to play?

If you really must go, you have a responsibility to call the hostess. It would be nice if MIL could help organise a safe environment for her grandchild, but ultimately, your childs health and avoiding a reaction is down to you.

I hope you figure it out

marz Mon 20-Dec-04 21:00:07

I had problems with my in-laws regarding my allergic reation to alcohol and not wanting it to be given to dd (under 2 at the time). It was very upsetting for me that they thought I was being trivial. I went online and printed up loads of papers about alcohol reactions for people and gave them to them to read. I think it sank in.
They, since then, have had a lot more awareness for the dairy/citrus issues (worsens her ecxema). Would that work for your MIL? To actually give her printed matter to read up on? Sorry if you have already tried it.....

vivie Tue 21-Dec-04 14:00:06

hi kbs,
it wasn't until my mother (not even mil, mother) saw ds1 having a huge reaction to egg that she took me seriously. People just don't realise that allergies are a BIG DEAL. It really p*sses me off but short of making my son ill to prove a point there doesn't seem to be much I can do.

RachelsAunty Tue 21-Dec-04 15:52:19

Hello, I'm new here. My husband is severly allergic to peanuts and has been since he was 3 years old. My son (6) is severly allergic to milk eggs fish & nuts, but still my MIL would not take it seriously! It took an invitation to an egg challenge in hospital for her to change her mind - and I still don't trust her now. She says things like... it's only a little bit, we've got his epipen, don't tell mummy, it'll be our little secret! Aaargh!

kinderbobsleigh Wed 22-Dec-04 00:37:21

My mother still says that 500 people should be allowed to open a bag of nuts at the same time on an airplane with a nut allergic person on as "they can just use their epipen".

I pointed out the plane would still have to make an emergency landing somewhere once the epipen had been used, and that nothing was stopping an individual passenger from bringing on their own peanuts if they simply couldn't go a few hours without them. No dice.

Then I mentioned that we wouldn't be able to bring Bob to see her ever if the airlines went back to peanuts - suddenly she seems to have come round to my way of thinking.

RachelsAunty - am shocked at the "our little secret". kids with allergies can't have those sort of secrets.

kinderbobsleigh Wed 22-Dec-04 00:37:40

Oh, and welcome to Mumsnet!

sallyhollyberry Wed 22-Dec-04 01:37:13

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

tatt Wed 22-Dec-04 03:59:06

iwantthatone if we don't expect people to provide a safe environment for children they never will take any care. Everyone has a right to life and if you asked someone if they would deliberately put a child's life at risk most would say no. In very rare cases it has been known for someone to die despite having an epipen, although I don't think this has ever happened to a child.

Yes most people are selfish and don't want the bother of dealing with an allergy. I feel the same way about catering for vegans but I'd still make the effort, even though that's a choice not a life saving necessity.

TheHollyAndTheTwiglett Wed 22-Dec-04 10:20:03

did you call hostess? what did she say?

RachelsAunty Wed 22-Dec-04 10:52:59

Thanks for the welcome. Some people take these things seriously, others can't or won't (It'll never happen to me maybe??) Training your children to ask & refuse if necessary is essential & if you're consistant not too difficult. Educating adults who don't want to know is a different story!

RachelsAunty Wed 22-Dec-04 10:57:43

KBS - Does your MIL know that the Epipen might not work every time? My MIL says much the same! Does she want her grandchild in hospital? I can't understand how some peoples minds work! Surely prevention is better than cure?!

vivie Wed 22-Dec-04 13:37:35

My ds1 us only 2.1 and he refuses to eat foods which have egg or dairy in them - when I gave him some cheese a few months ago he spat it straight out and started to cry. He won't touch baked beans because he once had egg with them and was really ill. The nurse at the allergy clinic told me that if children are allergic to things they often taste very bitter to them. Having said that, my ds doesn't have anaphylactic reactions but if he did I would be a lot more cautious.

SmokedSamN Wed 22-Dec-04 15:19:05

My ds1 is 2yrs 9 mths and my mum has reported that when she takes him out for meals he says "What has that got in it?" I'm very proud of him, but as we all know, and kinderbobsleigh has also pointed out, there are hidden ingredients in many things.

Many festive sympathies to you.

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