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Furious with family

(19 Posts)
Grammarist Sat 23-Dec-17 03:03:31

No idea where to start..

Both my children have various allergies and intolerances. Both undergo regular consultant appointment; skin prick and blood tests and both have auto-injection pens. Both are non-ige in their responses but have Angioedema so can then develop anaphylactic responses as a result.

My family (who I don't see that often) have recently decided that I'm making it all up and have mental issues. That it can't possibly be that bad and I'm just attention seeking.

Clearly ignoring all the medical information/letters/fact that my husband has been at most of the appointments with me.

Apparently I'm a mental control freak.

Where on earth do I start? Seriously contemplating going NC as I now cannot trust leaving my children with them as I'm highly concerned they'd try them with 'just a little bit' of an allergen, just to prove me wrong.

OP’s posts: |
OrinocoDugong Sat 23-Dec-17 06:14:37

Going at least low-contact would be extremely reasonable. Certainly do not leave your child alone with any of them or allow any of them to prepare any food for dc.

Going nc is certainly an option but is a big step. Do you have anything positive in your relationships with these people which it would be sad to lose? Is it the whole lot of them who are awful or is it one queen bee who is setting the agenda here?

Mummyoflittledragon Sat 23-Dec-17 07:14:03

My family is the same with me. I have ME/CFS. I am now NC with my brother because I am afraid he will seriously hurt me one day. All because I’m apparently making it up and have mental health problems.

My mother of course is minimising and say he wouldn’t hurt me despite the threats to punch and deck me. He pushed me over a few years ago because I was standing in the way when he was fighting with his wife and earlier this year he drove off when I was leaning on his car to prevent me from collapsing. He expected me to let go (which I couldn’t) and instead I fell to the ground. He could have run me over. According to my mother, these incidents were both my fault as I provoked him wtf?!. Apparently he didn’t realise I was leaning on his car. She also said I’m not really that ill. hmm. I really want to make up that I have very little quality of life. confused

My advice to you is to keep you children away from these people. They don’t believe you. They could put your children at serious risk and may give them dangerous foods to prove you wrong.

I’ve been to hell and back this year since the car incident upthread finally coming to terms that my brother is more concerned with being right than and point scoring. My safety has no place. He’s tall, muscular and obese. When he decides he wants to hurt me, I don’t stand a chance.

Please spend some time really coming to terms with what they are saying and keep your babies safe.

The irony of course is that your family and my family have mental health problems.

Mustang27 Sat 23-Dec-17 07:30:51

Yep I'd consider very lc and don't trust your children's care to them ever. What a bloody dangerous attitude to have I'm sorry they are questioning this at all.

Put it this way even if it was that you were veggie and wanted your children raised as so they should respect that and keep their opinions to themselves. Their opinion is downright dangerous in this situation so don't put your children in danger I'd say.

I'm coeliac restaurants lie to me all the time within 10 minutes of eating I have a reaction (not dangerous and I realise not overly comparable to the stress of anaphylactic) but it's bloody depressing you don't need that rubbish from the people that know you and should care sad.

sentenceinterrupted Sat 23-Dec-17 08:12:04

Hi OP.
My FIL and wife were 'ok'ish with it (ie didn't say anything) but used to leave peanuts out at toddler height when we came to visit. He had an ana reaction there one time (only ate safe, known foods so probably cross contamination) and now they think a bit harder.
My MIL knew 'better' than me. One time I left safe food on table for her to feed son (only time she ever babysat), she chose something else from the cupboard and gave it to him (complex multiple allergies so she wouldn't have known if safe or not). Luckily it was safe. The only other time she was there with ds (and I wasn't), there was a person trained in feeding him there. She is very aggressive and elbowed her way to feeding him. Gave him something he was allergic to (though thankfully not ana). She lied about it, told other person to lie too (she didn't). She got no more chances, and while I'm not NC, I have very little to say to her. What she thinks of me is her business as Long as she has no opportunities to hurt my child/ren with her foolish beliefs. We have a mantra that only a fool listens to what a mad woman has to say.smile

wheresthel1ght Sat 23-Dec-17 08:38:20

You have my sympathy op. I would go as low contact as possible and work towards nc.

My dd has chronic eczema, it is triggered by a long list of things and yet my mum frequently "forgets" and feeds her stuff she isn't supposed to have. She is also anaphylactically allergic to various citrus fruits. My mum thought giving dd a packet of skittles was a great treat. She really didn't get why I was angry with her.

My sisters kids are both dairy allergic (it is also a trigger for dd) Mum goes out of her way to provide things for them but ignores the fact dd can't have dairy or soya...

It drives me mad but I have now given an ultimatum to her, she either makes the same effort to provide safe food and treats for dd or she doesn't see her. So far she hasn't seen her at times when treats are allowed and certainly not been alone with her. Dd is staying there boxing day night as my sister is here and her dd and nine are the best of friends, I know my sister will ensure that dd is safe but it still terrifies me!

We have finally got agreement for allergy tests in Feb so once I have a full list I can really force the issue.

Grammarist Sat 23-Dec-17 10:16:55

Oh littledragon, that's awful. Why on earth hasn't your Mum got your back? I have an invisible illness too and half my family are convinced (despite numerous medical reports and investigations/appointments with specialists) that I'm either making it up or it's not as bad as I've told them.

It's mental. These people are highly intelligent.

Going NC would be very sad, but def LC as we just can't trust them. Christmas is going to be shit as they are determined to have dairy/nut stuff around their houses at perfect baby-grabbing height. Apparently, asking them to put them higher up is rude and entitled of me.

OP’s posts: |
Mummyoflittledragon Sat 23-Dec-17 10:37:06

You definitely sound entitled and rude confused. Maybe you should take your rude and entitled arse elsewhere this Christmas. wink

To answer your question. My brother is golden child. I’m the scapegoat. She needs him to always always be good. He is her substitute husband and was enabled. She let him bully me relentlessly as a child yet has rewritten history. According to her, I bullied him despite being 2 years younger, smaller and female, which doesn’t tally with her admission he struggled with my existence, pushed me over several times when I learnt to walk etc. But it’s all me. <sigh>

I can thoroughly recommend low contact. It does reduce stress and anxiety as you know you only get contact for limited periods. If you need something as a cover for not seeing them as much because you can’t do the allergies fight, you could perhaps therefore be tired and blame it on your illness.

When I’ve had brief periods of feeling better this year, I haven’t let on to my mother and I have seen her a lot less. Confronting her about things doesn’t work because she sees me through the “bad daughter” distorted lens.

It sounds as though you have a bad daughter status as well.

EveryoneTalkAboutPopMusic Sat 23-Dec-17 10:39:49

Agree tha NC would be difficult. Could you consider just not leaving your DC with them? I’d also not attend any parties where they can offer your DC food.

Grammarist Sat 23-Dec-17 10:46:41

Pretty much decided on not attending any parties. Problem is that we are visiting (live elsewhere), so we're stuck with this for two weeks.

I've been having a long, hard think and I don't think I've got bad daughter status. I think I'm still treated like I'm a child who clearly doesn't know what she's doing/isn't respected or believed as much as my siblings.

My career is often minimised/belittled I'm conversation (I dared to choose a career outside the family 'norm').

My opinions are talked over/ignored/minimised.

I'm clearly suffering from delusions and attention-seeking through my children (FFS!!!!)

Whereas the sun shines out of my sibling's backsides. It's a typical sexist set-up where I'm clearly never going to win.
Interestingly, the comments are never directed at my husband, even though he also clearly states the allergic status of our children and will move food if necessary.

It's draining.
They do try, usually, with food. But when things like Christmas or parties come around, all sense goes out of the window.
I have to 'watch my children' and they just don't seem to understand that, with all the will in the world, that's impossible and by just moving things up higher, that'll help us a lot.

It's going to be a long fortnight.

OP’s posts: |
EveryoneTalkAboutPopMusic Sat 23-Dec-17 10:57:40

You’re there for a fortnight? Why? Just go home.

Grammarist Sat 23-Dec-17 14:32:47

Christmas. Lots of people/relatives that we haven't seen that we've promised to see. We can't afford to stay elsewhere so we're here. It might end up a much shorter visit.

OP’s posts: |
Grammarist Mon 17-Dec-18 02:23:54

Just read through this and feel very dejected. It's been a year as I've not been to stay too much but nothing has hugely changed.
In fact I git told tonight by apparently caring family member that I need psychiatric help. All because I dare to read labels to ensure my kids can eat certain foods.
I fucking hate Christmas.

OP’s posts: |
Weezol Mon 17-Dec-18 02:43:05

I think it's time to say 'no more'. Whatever you do is wrong for them, so you may as well please yourself and protect your children and your own mental wellbeing.

Don't go. Just don't do it any more.

Grammarist Mon 17-Dec-18 02:50:00

I think you're right. I'm exhausted!

OP’s posts: |
blackcat86 Mon 17-Dec-18 02:57:13

Can't you all suddenly come down with flu and not go? You can't trust these people so it will be a very stressful time for you and DP trying to supervise your dc to only be fed safe food and not 'accidentally' given anything else.

ShiningSally Mon 17-Dec-18 03:08:15

Go home and stay away is my advice. Is it your df again?

Grammarist Mon 17-Dec-18 08:45:42

Yes, it's my DF again. It's coupled on with what I'm now thinking might be early Alzheimer's or some kind of medication reaction behaviour but it's very tricky

OP’s posts: |
ThanosSavedMe Mon 17-Dec-18 08:54:13

I’m sure I read somewhere in Mumsnet where a family member thought the parents were making up an allergy and actually fed the child something to prove that they were right. They were wrong and there was disastrous consequences.

I would absolutely go nc to protect your children

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