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Alcohol support

How can I help him?

10 replies

soupforbrains · 03/12/2019 23:30

Hi all, I've never posted in this section before but I'm hoping for some advice from those of you who have 'been there, done that'. Apologies in advance for the long post but I want to give as good a picture as I can in hopes of getting more applicable advice.

My best friend is an alcoholic. He has had a drinking problem for the last 18 months, since his mother died.

He's always been the sort of person with very few, but very close friends and his mother was his only family so it hit him very hard. He has struggled with mental health issues for many years (depression, self harming, and a suicide attempt 9 years ago) in recent years his mental health had been better, but when he lost his mother to a surprise diagnosis and very rapid illness he fell apart. He had been drinking quite heavily ever since.

In the late summer he was self harming and accidentally cut too deep. Thankfully he was with it enough to recognise the harm and to call me. Following this incident he listened to me more about the fact that he needed to get professional help. He spoke to his GP about both the depression and the drinking. Since then he has been on antidepressants which have dramatically improved the depression.

However, the GP ran tests on his liver and kidneys 'just in case' and these came back clear. Unfortunately he seems to have viewed this as 'well I'm not doing any harm so I might as well carry on'.

His drinking has got worse ever since, he drinks at least 2 bottles of wine every night and starts drinking as soon as he gets up at the weekends. He thinks he's 'fine' because he is 'functioning' I.e. going to work, and presenting an appearance outwardly of being 'normal'

However lately he has started cancelling plans he has with me and/or others just to stay home and drink alone.

I know that if he is going to change he has to actually want to do it himself. But How can I get him to realise that it really IS this bad and that he IS an alcoholic and that he needs to do something about it?

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Llareggub · 03/12/2019 23:47

In my experience you can’t. Kindest and sanest thing I ever did for myself was to walk away from the alcoholic in my life.

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soupforbrains · 03/12/2019 23:53

I have wondered if I should do that but I'm not sure I could live with myself.

He has nobody else and if I walk away and he kills himself i don't know that I could ever forgive myself despite knowing that it is not my fault.

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reeree95 · 03/12/2019 23:56

Just reached the other side of this journey with DP, pretty much the exact same story minus the self harm. Unfortunately, there's nothing you can personally do to make your friend realise how bad his problem is, he needs to get there on his own. My DP became aware of his problem and we had a lot of conversations about it but it took him becoming so ill from the drink and physically feeling like he was going to die to actually realise just how bad it was and to seek help. I know this isn't much help but sending love and hope that you're friend can get himself to where he needs to be. I hope you have a support network for yourself alsoThanks

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Neome · 04/12/2019 00:02

Maybe try Alanon Family Groups?

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BIWI · 04/12/2019 00:07

Have you actually told him that you're worried, and that you're going to walk away if he doesn't stop?

I'm sure he knows what he's doing, and that it's not doing him any good - despite his overt denial.

However, ultimately this is a deadly combination (IMVHO) of a choice he's made, as well as a disease. And you mustn't feel guilty or obliged in any way. It isn't your fault, and you can't control or cure him.

But it might shock him if you threaten to walk away.

I'm really sorry though. It's a shit situation Sad

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soupforbrains · 04/12/2019 00:29

Thanks everyone. I have talked to him about it. Sometimes I think it gets through to him but he never remembers a thing when he's had a drink so mostly he doesn't remember anything I've said. Nowadays he seems to only be sober when he's at work and drinks as soon as he's home so I can't find opportunities to speak to him when he's sober and might remember.

I've told him that I will have to walk away if it gets much worse and I've also told him now that I don't want him to spend time with my DS at all because I can't trust him anymore. (I hated doing this because DS adores him, DS doesn't have a dad involved at all and so my best friend and my BIL have been his main Male role models and mentors, but that in turn is yet more reason for not having him around DS)

This weekend instead of talking to him I sent him a series of long text messages. Because I know when he wakes up he re-reads his messages to check what he did/said the night before.

I know none of it is my fault at all and I don't blame myself, but he has been a good friend to me for 15 years and I care a great deal about him. I'm not ready to give up and walk away yet because I am not ready to lose my friend. In some ways the alcoholism is easier to deal with than the suicidal depression was. At least now I'm not terrified if I haven't heard from him for a few hours that he might be dead.

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soupforbrains · 06/12/2019 20:10

So just a little update, my messages that I sent him last weekend might have gotten through to him somehow.

He has signed up for an alcoholism advice/support centre and has an appointment booked for tomorrow morning. I have recruited his other friend (almost the last one he has left that he hasn't pushed away with the drinking) and we are going to take it I turns to go with him to his appointments on Saturday mornings to make sure he a) goes and b) keeps going.

I really hope that this is the beginning of the upward journey. 🤞

Thank you everyone for being so kind.

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MissConductUS · 06/12/2019 20:22

I'm a recovering alcoholic with 25 years of sobriety.

There's truth to both sides to the can you/can't you help question. He alone must do it but he cannot do it alone. That's why the alcoholism support center is key, but so is your encouragement. When drink has taken over your life it's very hard to see a way out. You've helped him do that.

Well done @soupforbrains. Flowers

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soupforbrains · 06/12/2019 21:48

@MissConductUS thank you so much for your kind words. It means a lot. I'm very aware that there is a long road ahead of us, now that he is making the first steps I know I can be here for him. Thank you again.

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Whathewhatnow · 09/12/2019 20:08

I also think it's a fine balance. Cant do it for other people, but they can't do it without other people.

You sound like you have loving boundaries in place to protect yourself and your child. Keep them, dont waver. He needs to see that there is a line you will not cross.

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