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Ex husbands denial is so damaging

(10 Posts)
Totallyoverit Sat 04-May-19 06:33:59

So, will try to keep this short. Ex has had YEARS of drinking problems. His pattern is: normal drinking > couple of heavy night> arrest/DUI/ falls down drunk somewhere. Rinse repeat.
He had one arrest early on in our relationship, I dumped him but stupidly took him back. Had 2yrs of sobriety and pattern started again. Real slow this time over course of a year. Friends ended up calling cops on him. He finally joined AA. Was probably sober 5 months.. Quit AA, started drinking again. His mum knew and didn't tell me even though there's a court order he doesn't drink round the kids (enabling). I NEEDED to know he was off the wagon. Our of the blue he asks to try our marriage again but admits he's drinking. Guess what he wants?
-To be able to have a beer when he wants if and when he moves back in

-If things get out of control (him banjaxxed & aggressive). I can call the cops... But can we not do the protection order again?

-even though there's a court order he does not drink round the kids.. He wants me to cover up for him cos 'people who didn't know him wrote the order and it's not fair'

I'm just stunned... His denial.. How he validates himself. Anybody else been through the same?

OP’s posts: |
LividLaughLove Sat 04-May-19 06:39:23

Do not get back with him.

Ignore all his claims and issues.

No longer your circus or monkeys.

My ex was claiming he was healthy and sober up to the point he died of liver failure. It’s not worth it.

blackcat86 Sat 04-May-19 06:45:30

My ex denied he had a drinking problem despite me finding 20+ empty wine bottles under a lose cupboard bottom in the kitchen. I was literally standing there looking at them with him denying they were there. The sheer audacity of the guy and level of denial was staggering. He had surrounding himself with party types and heavy drinkers who felt this was all very normal. You done the right thing so far. Dont get drawn in to his BS

Totallyoverit Sat 04-May-19 07:42:33

I don't want the alcoholic back. I've accepted that my loving husband has long gone and what's left is an alcoholic shell. My fear is that he's rationalised drinking round our two preschoolers. He has them a couple night pw.. (useless effin court system) & now I'm petrified he's gonna start drinking when they're with him.
What am I supposed to do??

OP’s posts: |
LividLaughLove Sat 04-May-19 18:36:44

Do the courts know he's an actual alcoholic? Not as easy as telling him not to do it, is it.

Can you go back and say they're in danger? Not sure how it works.

Totallyoverit Wed 31-Jul-19 03:14:19

Ye, courts know. He admitted it very early on. Did the AA thing, then as soon as the parenting order was signed he was drinking publicly again. It's the pretence that everything is normal. He's got his enabling gf.. Still has his job, has access to kids. All looks good from the outside.. And he still gets to drink. Just pisses me off. I'll be laughing next time he gets arrested for drink related offence. Hopefully it's one that loses him access to the kids permanently.

OP’s posts: |
Nat6999 Wed 31-Jul-19 04:29:48

My partner died aged 34 of alcoholism, nobody can help an alcoholic unless they admit their addiction & seek help themselves. Seeking help because they are in trouble doesn't count because all they are doing it for is to get someone off their back, they have to want to change. My partner on the morning he went to hospital for the last time sobbed that he wanted to stop drinking, he hated it, he promised that he would get off the drink so that we could have the wedding we had booked, a week later he was dead, this was after him refusing help & denying he was an alcoholic for four years, not even being told he had cirrhosis & less than two years to live stopped him drinking, his reaction was to go to the pub & get off his face again. Unless an alcoholic wants to change nothing anyone else does will make them change.

fantasmasgoria1 Wed 31-Jul-19 04:45:10

He is definitely in denial. My ex is an alcoholic, the day I was leaving him he said "don't leave me I can change". This was said with beer in hand and between sips of beer. Don't have him back ever.

Aquamarine1029 Wed 31-Jul-19 04:49:07

Addicts survive on denial until they hit absolute rock bottom. Don't be there when it happens. Leaving him is the new decision you've ever made.

Adwoman Tue 06-Aug-19 09:40:42

The sad thing is he won't stop unless he gets treatment. Alcoholics simply cannot stop. You need to find strategies to protect yourself and help him choose to get help. There are organisations that can help you - some are free like Al Anon. Or you could get free family advice from a Dayhab treatment centre - there are a couple of good ones in London.

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