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I'm an alcoholic and I'm terrified

(77 Posts)
desperateforchange Sun 03-Mar-19 09:37:21

I've been trying really hard to stop drinking, I binge drink and when I do it's a lot. Last night was a prime example where I downed 2 bottles of wine, a small vodka and 3 guns. All while my children were up, I was trashed by 5pm and ended up getting cocaine which I don't remember doing. My friend was here and I was rude to her kids, had a panic attack and she left. I continued to get wasted while the kids were in bed. I can't tell my parents as they think I have stopped, I have gone to my local alcohol support group, I have counselling, I am on the right meds and am supposed to be stable. There is a lot going on in my life, very stressful situation with my ex but that's no excuse. I feel sick and ashamed and I'm desperate to stop drinking but I dont know how. I did it for 9 months last year, but I just can't seem to get back there. I just hate myself so much and drinking takes away the pain and hurt. I'm lucky nothing happened and my friend was here to help and I love my children to death and would be destroyed if I lost them. Everything is such a mess and I just don't know if my life is worth living.

OP’s posts: |
StrippingTheVelvet Sun 03-Mar-19 09:47:10

I have no advice but I can listen to what you want to say x

Shelbybear Sun 03-Mar-19 09:52:55

Every time you want to pick up a drink you need to think of your children.

I get the addition is more powerful than that but you need to stop this for you and them. Can you imagine if they got taken into care.

You're already getting help for it, keep it up.
You mentioned you were in a stressful situation but all alcoholics look for excuses. It's always someone else fault why they turned to drink. Honestly there is always an excuse to drink.

desperateforchange Sun 03-Mar-19 09:55:19

I hate myself, all I can smell is alcohol on me, I keep vomiting. I shouldn't even drink with the medication I'm on. What kind of mother does this? I'm a disgrace, if my ex finds out he can use it to take my children, I'm so stupid. He's got what he wanted and pushed me over the edge with his threats and intimidation. Utterly utterly disgusted with myself. It can't happen again, it can't 😢

OP’s posts: |
Babymamamama Sun 03-Mar-19 09:56:31

OP please speak to your GP about getting support for stopping.... Could you possibly go to rehab so you have support along the way. You love your kids so hopefully that will spur you on to take the right steps. Also if your parents know they can support you as well. Don't do this all in your own. Wishing you all the best luck.

8FencingWire Sun 03-Mar-19 09:58:28

Go to a meeting OP.

desperateforchange Sun 03-Mar-19 09:58:32

I know there is always and excuse. I've even been drinking a couple of cans of gin some mornings. I'm so ashamed and I can't tell anyone for fear of it getting back to my ex. He could have seen me go out (we live close by) someone he knows could have seen me. I'm an anxious mess and I've tried so hard to stop but I feel powerless. I'm exhausted but I want to be fit and healthy for my kids. I feel unwell from it all. I don't know what else to do.

OP’s posts: |
Wittow Sun 03-Mar-19 09:59:01

what's 3 guns?

You could try AA, lots of help there.

Do you need professional detox? It can be dangerous for alcohol dependent people to stop cold turkey.

I don't agree with the 'do it for your kids' type advice. The only way you'll get sober is when you do it for yourself.

desperateforchange Sun 03-Mar-19 09:59:24

3 gins

OP’s posts: |
Tomtontom Sun 03-Mar-19 10:00:47

You're so brave for posting this. That's a really positive first step.

You mention medication, do you have other health problems too? I'd contact your GP tomorrow and tell them what you've told us. Show them the thread if you're going to have difficulty saying it.

Will your friend be understanding? Can you call/ text her today and apologise? Hopefully that will help you feel a little better. If you were my friend I'd accept the apology and ask what I can do to help.

desperateforchange Sun 03-Mar-19 10:01:17

I've tried AA and didn't like it but I think I'm going to try again. I'm not a bad mum, my kids are happy and loved and clean and have everything they need. However they deserve a healthy mummy who is going to be around to see them grow up, I've got to stop but I can't tell my parents this time, they will be devastated.

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Monty27 Sun 03-Mar-19 10:03:10

Cocaine has the worst come down ever. Don't you know that? I guess you do but you still took it. Alcohol is also a life wrecked you know that too.
It's your life.

desperateforchange Sun 03-Mar-19 10:03:54

Yes I have bipolar. I can't tell the GP, she will inform social services which will then alert my ex and I will loose the kids. I want to stop I really do, I just hate being sober. I feel miserable sober. But I feel miserable after I've drunk and round we go.

OP’s posts: |
princessTiasmum Sun 03-Mar-19 10:04:52

I am sorry to read this, i have an alcoholic son, who is waiting to go to detox, have you enquired about this for yourself, , your GP can help,as can various drug and alcohol centres
Do you have a Horizons centre near you ? have a look in your phone book or google it, they are all over the country and they can get you help,as they have specialist workers who dont judge
My sons Dr has been amazing with help, and co operating with anything that will help my son to kick this awful habit
Think about your children and what effect your drinking will have on them

Lichtie Sun 03-Mar-19 10:06:26

I'm confused, we're you drinking at home with your kids there the whole time? How did you get the cocaine?

They say admitting you have a problem is the first step so well done. I know it's hard but you need support so you need to speak to your family. Trying to do it alone with no support for your kids is not fair on them or you. Good luck.

WhyteNoise Sun 03-Mar-19 10:09:29

Last night was a prime example where I downed 2 bottles of wine, a small vodka and 3 guns. All while my children were up, I was trashed by 5pm and ended up getting cocaine which I don't remember doing.

Sorry OP but the above contradicts your statement that you're "not a bad mum". This is hugely irresponsible & you know this hence you won't tell anyone it's happening. You mentioned feeling powerless & your ex has got what he wanted with his threats & intimidation. Until YOU accept these are actions of your your own choosing, things will not change for you. What was it you didn't like about AA?

desperateforchange Sun 03-Mar-19 10:10:20

I'm not dependant so I don't think detox is something i need. I go to turning point which is the alcohol service in my area. I just need to stop drinking, I would never do drugs sober or be rude to my friend. I have spoken to her, she is fine and wants to help. She is coming over to see me.

OP’s posts: |
EstrellaDamn Sun 03-Mar-19 10:12:17

I think if you're drinking gin in the morning you're unquestionably dependant.

desperateforchange Sun 03-Mar-19 10:13:12

Yes I was at home with a friend (she was sober) and her kids, she left when mine were in bed. I went out to get the drugs and she stayed in with the children. I just found AA depressing and too religious. I know I was extremely irresponsible, I'm not proud of myself, im utterly ashamed.

OP’s posts: |
desperateforchange Sun 03-Mar-19 10:14:26

It only been twice in the morning and not as soon as I get up. I can go days without a drink but then I always cave and find an excuse.

OP’s posts: |
Greggers2017 Sun 03-Mar-19 10:14:44

Where abouts are you? Contact your local substance misuse service. You are not a bad Mum you have an addiction. It is an illness.
Are you drinking that amount on a daily basis?

MrsRyanGosling15 Sun 03-Mar-19 10:16:36

*have everything they need*
I would really doubt that. What you drank is absolutely shocking. As the child of an alcoholic I can't begin to tell you the damage you are doing. Tell your GP, your parents, social services. It really doesn't matter what you feel about losing your kids. They 100% do not deserve to be cared for by a mother under the influence of drink and drugs. Being a good mother is putting your children 1st and that is what you need to do. I doubt you will though. I wouldnt wish an alcoholic parent on anyone.

Singlenotsingle Sun 03-Mar-19 10:18:37

You can DIE from alchoholism. Where will your kids be without you? My dsis died from alchohol. Your teeth will fall out, you get angry and confused, your stomach swells up, and your organs shut down. I've seen it happen. You must stop.

MrsRyanGosling15 Sun 03-Mar-19 10:18:51

*I'm not dependant so I don't think detox is something i need*

*I can go days without a drink but then I always cave*

And you can't see the contradiction here?

claraschu Sun 03-Mar-19 10:19:02

AA doesn't work for lots of people.
It is free, which is one reason it is recommended so highly. There are other kinds of treatment, which are far more effective for some people. Please, OP, don't feel that because AA doesn't work for you, you just have to try it again and then feel like a failure if it doesn't help you.

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