According to DH.....

[NC98755]

.....the amount he drinks is 'normal' and 'everyone does it'. I don't drink much any more, (it gives me terrible headaches), which apparently means I don't know what I'm talking about.

For context:
He NEVER has a day off from drinking. Ever. I've been with him 22 years, and I honestly cannot recall when he last went without a drink.

Starts drinking between 4-5pm, (he works morning shifts). It used to be 6pm, but has gradually got earlier. I'm 'unreasonable' to suggest this might be a problem.

When he gets back from the off licence, if I'm at home, he will pretend to faff around with his phone for 10 minutes in the car outside the house, whilst chugging back a can. When I mentioned that I could clearly see him through the window he said, 'well I have to do that because you're always on my back'.

Drinks 4-7 cans of lager every night. Used to be 2-4.

He's in his 50's and on medication for high blood pressure. I know this isn't going to end well. He's got every excuse under the sun why he needs to drink, the assertion that it's 'normal' is a new one though. I told him last night that I can't bear it any more, he said well I can't either. DD unfortunately overheard and started sobbing and begging us not to split up. I don't know what to do.

[chocatoo]

It's not normal. You might find some support at AlAnon which is a support network for families of people with issues with drink.

[NC98755]

Thank you chocatoo - I haven't plucked up the courage to go to AlAnon yet, but I think you're right; I need some support.

[BillywilliamV]

The can in the car is the red line that you mustn't cross. I would be changing the locks at this point. How old is you daughter?

[NC98755]

My daughter is 10. I agree with you about the car - I told him that's totally unacceptable, (it's my bloody car too!). I feel so awful about DD though - she heard him say to me that he feels I judge him constantly, and she shouted at him that I don't judge him, I just want him to drink less and so does she. I was kidding myself that she hadn't noticed.

[HollowTalk]

I don't want to make things worse for you but have you got good life assurance on him? If anything were to happen to him, would you be covered?

[ravenscaw]

He’s an alcoholic in denial and you should seek support for yourself and your daughter and end the relationship. Are you sure the can on the car is the first one? FIL used to have a can walking up the path from the car so he ‘was already de stressed when he walked in’ but the moment I heard this I was suspicious and sure enough it was in fact to hide the alcohol on his breath from drinking earlier in the day.
Look after yourself and DD. He has made his priorities clear. If he was begging for you to make it work and saying it was normal I would suggest a joint GP appointment but he isn’t anywhere near ready to admit it from what you say.
He is likely to blame you for a downward spiral when you spilt. I will keep a record of his consumption and behaviour now so you can see that he has always been this way when he starts nonsense later.

[NC98755]

He has life insurance, plus a pension that I get if he dies.
I too have my suspicions about the 'one can in the car'.
I think guilt is clouding my thinking too - he will constantly say that DD and I are his everything, and that he couldn't cope without us. I've pointed out that if he was that scared of losing us then he'd get help, but he just says 'I know' and nothing changes.

[NC98755]

I'm going to try AlAnon - there's a meeting not far from me. I can't let things go on. Thank you for the advice.

[Hadalifeonce]

This is so difficult, I feel your pain; but unfortunately if he can't admit it to himself, nothing will change.
Are you able to keep a log of everything you know he consumes? If you could do this for a month, and add that although you don't know it you are sure there is more; present it to him as a list: e.g. 90 cans of beer, 12 bottles of wine 4 bottles of vodka, it might make him think a bit, and want to try to alter his behaviour.

Good luck OP.

[KickAssAngel]

There's nothing you can do to change him.

If he drinks 4 - 7 cans a night, where do the others go? Cans are sold in packs of 4 or 6 generally, so how many is he buying? I would assume that he's buying 8 (maybe even 12!) and drinking them all, you just don't see them all. No way is he leaving a can sitting around for another day.

[ree348]

Sorry to say but it sounds like he is an alcoholic. He obviously thinks his drinking is normal, speak to the specialists and see how they can help you help identify and address the problem.


Good luck

[HollowTalk]

I don't believe the seven cans, tbh. Surely they're sold in packs of four or six? When he gets out of the car how many does he have?

[NC98755]

He tends to buy 8 at a time - to be fair to him, there is often 1 or 2 in the fridge after he goes up. However, I have no doubt at all that is only because he has to get up early for work. When he worked normal hours he kept going until he went up at 11 or 12, now he goes up at 9, (which is presumably why he starts earlier!).
He hasn't spoken to me yet today, (I'm at work now). This is very usual for him - when we argue he'll just bury his head in the sand and say nothing in the hope I'll calm down.

[KickAssAngel]

But if he buys 8, and there's always 1 or 2 left, then he's still drinking 8 in total.

[Isleepinahedgefund]

As soon as someone tries to excuse their behaviour by saying "everyone does it" I always think "oh no they don't....."

The only 2 people I know who have used that excuse with regard to their alcohol intake are alcoholics.

[guildingthelily]

This sounds like my husband. I found put that someone has made a complaint about his drinking at his workplace. But he hasn't told me about it. He goes for a drink straight from work. Never invites me to join him for some reason. And never has a day off even if he's sick. In complete denial obviously...

[leaveby10]

Op what's your relationship like? What is it about the drinking you find unacceptable - you've mentioned the risk to his health, is there anything else? Is that the only thing you are angry with him about?

[Veterinari]

If he doesn’t Have a problem then he can prove it to you by stopping - right?

He could save those calories and save the cash he spends every day to treat your DD

Of course he has a problem - NHS recommends 3 alcohol free days a week.

I’m doing dry January at the moment and finding it surprisingly easy (thank goodness I was a bit worried before I started), but i’ve Found through using the app that it’s actually a great way of tracking your alcohol intake and money spent or saved on alcohol. If he’s adamant that he doesn’t have a problem would he consider downloading the app and logging his drinking? Perhaps seeing his weekly intake and cash spent in black and white might help?

[NotANotMan]

she shouted at him that I don't judge him, I just want him to drink less and so does she. I was kidding myself that she hadn't noticed

This made my stomach clench. I was that 10 year old girl. Of course she's noticed.

[Fiddie]

No advice but yes, he's got a problem.

[disneyspendingmoney]

Forgetting about the active drinking it about an hour per unit of booze to metabolise. there is quite a high probability he is over the limit to drive.

I really wouldn't let him drive your dcs anywhere because if he get stopped and breathalysed your in a world of shit, driving with a child over the limit.

As well as health there are a lot of other issues to contend with. Say he has a drink before doing a school pick up.

As well as the money being spent, ok a 4 pack of Aldi lager is about £2.50, so a fiver a day, 35 quid a week, £1820 a year.

[leaveby10]

Forgetting about the active drinking it about an hour per unit of booze to metabolise. there is quite a high probability he is over the limit to drive op said he sits outside their house in the car drinking - she didn’t say he drove after drinking.

[disneyspendingmoney]

If you drink 8 cans of 2-3 units each by 9pm you stand to have metabolised it 16-20 hours later.

A lot of people are now getting nicked with their morning hangover while driving to work as the liver hasn't completed the metabolism of the alcohol.

Now if someone is driving that car in the morning on the school run with a monster hangover with a kid in it and the cops stop tgem for eratic driving...

[DustyMcDustbuster]

I wanted to post in case I might help. I’ve been sober for over 9 years, and in AA for that time. Your husband’s ‘story’, his denial, your feelings about it, are all so common. In AA, we ask if your drinking is costing you more than money. So, is it adversely affecting other areas of your life. I can’t label him as an alcoholic, that’s something for him to face. It’s worth noting things like units per week, and speak to him about that. It might be something he is more able to “hear”. I can not recommend AlAnon highly enough. It might just give you space to process all that is going on. Sadly, I have rarely seen anyone get / stay sober without wanting it themselves. Feel free to PM me if I can help.

[leaveby10]

He should buy an alcohol monitor to check he is safe to drive in the morning, if that is the OP's concern. www.amazon.co.uk/gp/product/B001LZ3D02/ref=oh_aui_search_asin_title?psc=1&ie=UTF8&tag=mumsnet&ascsubtag=mnforum-21