I'm not an alcoholic, but I hate drunk me

[dontwanttobeme]

How do I get help with that? I need to understand why I can hardly ever drink responsibly. So many appalling, shameful things I've done when drunk that I can't ever get away from.

I know the answer is to just stop drinking, and if that's what it takes, so be it. I'm sick of who I am. I only drink maybe once a month, max. But when I do, I just don't know when to stop. I am my drunk mothers drunk daughter. The arguments that went on in my home as a child should have put me off, but they haven't.

I can't go to AA. I'm not ill. I'm just a horrible, stupid drunk. I want to be a decent human being who can drink socially and responsibly. Is that beyond me?

[fedup2017]

I get into a similar pattern... Although only drink 2-3 times a year. It's not pretty. As I'm getting older than hangovers are getting worse too.
I had a big heart to heart with DH about it. A lot stems back to childhood and the pattern of alcohol use my parents have. Once I start drinking, especially when at a party, I just can't stop. I use it to cope with the fact I'm a complete introvert and find socialising really hard work. i end up normally making a complete idiot of myself or vomiting and passing out. I've decided to stop drinking alcohol completely. I'm doing it "quietly" and not making a big deal about it but I don't like the person I become when I have a drink. DH is on-board with it and really supportive which helps. I'm going to focus on it being a health thing when talking about it to friends.
I think having this kind of relationship neither alcohol has been normalised. Good luck with whatever you decide

[junebirthdaygirl]

If alcohol causes a problem for any reason its time to quit. Sounds like that mightn't be too difficult for you as you haven't been drinking every day. You are well rid of it.

[Kittykat93]

Op I could have written this. I got married last week and promised myself I wouldn't get drunk but I did and can't remember the evening do. I'm anxious, ashamed and can remember acting very embarrassingly.

I've cheated on partners when drunk, I've cried about nothing, I've started rows, I've told lies and talked complete bullshit.

I often drink in social situations because I am very shy and the alcohol gives me confidence. But I take it too far and I can't stop.

My parents used to drink every night so it's always been normal to me.

I can't quit because alcohol makes me feel good and I keep telling myself I can limit it. It's pathetic.

Sorry I've no advice but I get it, I really do

[dontwanttobeme]

Thank you for the replies 

@Kittykat93 I don't want to give up completely because I know I'm boring without alcohol. My friends are all drinkers and I'm just not as socially confident without the alcohol. But I think I have to. Because at this rate, no one will want to be friends with me anyway.

I have done just about everything you've said and this weekend I surpassed myself. I am thoroughly ashamed. I try so hard to be a decent, caring person, but maybe this is who I really am.

[user1533903238]

Yep I’m the same OP. In a very dramatic way, I’d explain that I have a bit too much ‘darkness’ in me (anger, sadness really) to successfully drink and that my emotional regulation isn’t great at the best of times. Once I’ve had a few drinks my regulation fails totally and all the skills I’ve learned as an adult to manage emotions go out the window. I have no ability to stop once I’ve had more than a couple of drinks. I’ll literally drink till I have to be carried to bed and spend several hours hitting the self destruct button till I hit that point. I stopped drinking altogether at 25 after finally accepting I just can’t drink. Like you I had never had an addiction or been a dependant drinker.

I didn’t drink at all for a year or so. I’m now at a point where I can have one or two (at a wedding or Xmas etc..) but that’s the limit and I can cut off before I reach tipping point. I’ve been able to do that successfully for the last 6 years but I’m very inwardly cautious about drinking when I do have that occasional one and I don’t make drinking itself a social occasion. I could honestly quite happily never drink again, it’s just that on occasion having one can be easy than not having any and having to explain why. I think for me realising that I’ve never had a genuinely good time EVER when drunk and reflecting on all the stupid shit I’ve done and how I don’t like myself when drunk.... made me realise I’ve nothing to lose from not drinking. Getting drunk/tipsy/merry... just doesn’t work for me.

[dontwanttobeme]

@user1533903238

But how did you ever trust yourself to start again after that year, even just at one or two drinks. I don't trust myself to do that.

I have no idea why I do it. I had a hard childhood, but it's no excuse. And I'm always saying that my childhood happened for a reason - that I'm happier now than I would have been, for some parts of it anyway.

[Kittykat93]

The thing that worries me is if my son grows up to be embarrassed of me. He's only a baby now and I don't get drunk when looking after him, only when I have a free night which isn't often. But if he saw my behaviour he would be as ashamed as I am.

It's horrid. I wish I could be naturally bubbly happy and confident. I don't even like socialising with friends unless I know I can have a glass of wine. It's awful :(

[dontwanttobeme]

But it's rarely ever one, is it?

[serialtester]

Having knocked a cocaine addiction on the head I've become the embarrassing emotional binge drinking middle aged woman. I get it OP. I don't want to stop drinking but I don't want to act like a twat when I do have a drink.

[Bodear]

OP, you say you’re not an alcoholic and you can’t go to aa because you’re not ill. Can you describe what you understand an alcoholic to be?
My understanding is someone who can’t control their drinking when they drink or to put it another way, if alcoholic is costing you more then money. You don’t have to be physically addicted or an every day drinker to go to aa. They themselves say that only requirement for membership is a desire to stop drinking.

[sherrysfortea]

I really have no advice expect from stop drinking. Some people are able to have a few and stop, some people are not.

Alcohol just doesn't agree with some people, it's rubbish but it's just the way it is.

[Kittykat93]

@serialtester

You've hit the nail on the head there. I'm jealous of people who can go out, have a few drinks, get a bit merry, and go home. I've never done that.

[dontwanttobeme]

Every single awful thing I've ever done has been while drunk.

I literally prayed to god yesterday to help me become a decent person. I know it's in me. But when I drink, I just don't what happens to me.

I wouldn't even miss or crave alcohol at all. But I would be even more insignificant in front of my friends.

[dontwanttobeme]

@Bodear I don't know. I suppose I think of myself as a binge drinker.

But I would probably have classed my mum as an alcoholic. Maybe once every six weeks she would get absolutely hammered, just sitting in on her own while my dad went out.

I wouldn't sit in and get in that state on my own.

I have had days/nights out where I manage a good time and don't do anything awful. But as I say, every awful thing ever, has been alcohol induced.

[serialtester]

Dont - this time last year I'd have said the same thing about drugs. My motto is if you need to control the substance then it's controlling you. I'm gradually reducing my drinking because I know I'm using it as a crutch to replace drugs. It's hard to admit to yourself that you can't control your use of something.

[mollyblack]

Thats not a good reason to keep drinking- there are other ways to deal with a lack of confidence or social anxiety. Stop drinking now. If your friends are not cool with that then theyre not really friends.

[serialtester]

Molly is right - I've removed myself from friends who didn't or couldn't support me making positive choices. It is hard though.

[dontwanttobeme]

My friends would support me, they just don't know half the stuff that's gone on, so wouldn't understand where it was coming from.

[Bodear]

Binge drinkers can be alcohols too. You mention that you wouldn’t get in that state on your own, but where or what you drink has no bearing on anything. The important thing, in my mind, is that you’re drinking more than you want to and you’re not able to control it when you start. Maybe aa wouldn’t be a bad idea? You’ve got nothing to lose x

[serialtester]

Look, you don't need to make any HUGE decisions tonight but the fact that you're articulating this is good. It took me a lot of articulating to get to a point where I made a change. Be kind to yourself and keep talking this through.

[dontwanttobeme]

I think I really do need to stay completely sober on my next few nights out and see how I could actually enjoy myself.

The more I go over the situations I've ended up in, and put other people in, it's a no brainer.

L

[dontwanttobeme]

Posted too soon.

Thank you all for listening and giving me your thoughts and experiences. It has helped to know I'm not the only one.

[serialtester]

That sounds like a good plan. I do totally get how massive a prospect that is.

[serialtester]

I did a big night out sober on Friday and it was really good. Waking up on Saturday without "the fear" was awesome.

[dontwanttobeme]

And I've had plenty of nights like that. And it is a good feeling. It's just that when the night begins, I've no guarantee of how it will end. Just when I think I've got a grip and can do it, I blow it.