Posting on day 13 of alcohol-free

[OlderTaz87]

I'm very curious about myself right now, especially as i typed the that as my subject heading - as i've not really outwardly said to anyone i'm intending 'sobriety' or even suggested anything long term like that word to myself. Nonetheless the word is lurking around me and is in my psyche for sure as i keep doing google searches like "3 days sober...." and so forth until today and posting in here.

I feel like i'm toying with the idea currently whilst trying to get through one day at a time. Then i get super annoyed with myself with this 'one day at a time' business and think 'get a grip girl, it's not the big deal you're making it out to be' and in part it's not.

And yet...

Alcohol is an unhealthy relationship for me and has been for a long time now. I wasn't a huge drinker as a youngster strangely, i worked in a bar too and again not a big drinker. In fact, seeing everyone at the end of the night was enough to keep me staying that one as their drunk behavior irked me. But then i began drinking, mainly because i worked in a place where it was always constantly free at social outings, work things frequently. But the worst was when my daughter was born and my elder sister (who i thought was the classiest of the lot of us) told me she always had a glass of wine with dinner and not to fret when i mentioned wanting one etc. i thought, if it's good enough for her, it's good enough for me. So began a viscous cycle of me drinking indoors. I had quite bad PND, a few major life disruptions going on and bit by bit i've realised how quickly i allowed it to be my 'normal'.

I'm two kinds of drunk. I AM that really happy 'i love everyone' type of drunk, but i'm also a more sinister drunk once it goes beyond a certain level, the level i dont realise is happening at the time until the next day when i'm 'told' what i've said, what i've done etc.. and i'm ashamed and mortified and everything you read from other people.

I've known for ages i use it as a crutch. Bad train journey = wine. Bad day at work = wine. stressed out with family matters = wine. I've also known secretly for ages i wanted OUT. i'm just not sure 'yet' how OUT i want to be. I think i secretly harbour full on sobriety.

So here i am on day 13, not fooled in any way into thinking this will be a walk in the park as i've googled too much and read too much now to think otherwise - but i'm surprised at how resolute i feel. i really really feel resolute. I genuinely feel i WANT this, this is MY decision now and i want my body back, my mind back, my health back, my go get it (without alcohol) attitude back.

More so, i dont want my kids to be like me, i dont want THEM to think this knee jerk reaction to life is normal and the way to go. They dont question that i take wine from the fridge nightly but they have been upset before if i've been beyond drunk and that makes me so distraught even now to think of.

i'm trying to stop being angry at myself for ever letting it take my life over this far and just think 'ok so now you make the change and forget the rest'...........

My husband vaguely knows what i'm doing in that he knows i haven't drunk for the last 13 days and part of me thinks he's worried about the 'impact on him' right now... which is a sad thought. However, i know if i said to him 'have my back, i need you' he'll accept it for me - even if not for him. He's no longer asking me if i'd like a drink (which he used to if i said 'trying to cut back')...

This is weird though. I've already been in 2/3 social settings resisting any offers and really ok with saying 'no thank' and saying i'm on a health kick. Not entirely untrue but also not true. I go on holiday next week and wonder how that will go and if it'll be expected i 'go back to normal' once i'm on holiday and i'm getting ready to say THIS is my normal.

Sorry, very rambly first post on it all. xx

[Sharonthecat]

Well done on your 13 days. For support, for either moderation or staying alcohol free, Club Soda Together on Facebook. Lots of people on similar journeys to yourself - me included 😀

[OlderTaz87]

Thank you @sharonthecat X I'll go take a look there xx

[123fushia]

Well done so far. You’ve inspired me to have another go.....starting today. Thanks for posting. X

[Pinkandproud]

No particular words of wisdom but well done it’s significant and it’s important.

[TheOldestCat]

Congrats to you - it’s not easy to do this in a society that celebrates alcohol. I’ve been alcohol free for 5 months and it is worth it. Like Sharonthecat says, Club Soda is terrific, and in the early days I found reading ‘quit lit’ (the sober diaries, the unexpected joy of being sober) very helpful.

If it helps you, there’s no need to make a big ‘I am never drinking again’ statement as that can be scary. Maybe just that you are trying to re-set your relationship with drink and aren’t drinking for a bit, one day at a time etc. Take the pressure off?

I have found things have shifted - turns out I am not the party animal I thought I was. And that’s ok.

Good luck to you.

[Numberofthemouse]

Well done! I made a similar decision a while ago. It's now day 128. Feeling really good, anxiety and depression pretty much gone!
Good luck. There's the brave babes battle bus in relationships for ongoing support, this tends to be a quiet board

[wannabebetter]

Firstly, we'll done!!! You sound like me (although I'm 'only' on day 9!) and like you don't know what I really am aiming for long term yet be it AF or moderating - but aware that every day my health is improving, I'm soul searching, and becoming more mindful generally of my behaviour & the reasons for it!! I've already lost 6lb and sleeping better. I think it's easier to just concentrate on staying in the present and taking each day as it comes - good luck xxx