My husband is depressed & drinks too much

[tlsalt]

Well I never thought I'd be on here writing this....but we're getting a divorce

He walked out 2 weeks ago saying he can't do it anymore (only been together 3 years married just over a year)!

He (step-dad) can't stand my teenage kids because they can't close a bin lid, or put dishes in the dishwasher the ways he wants it to be done! (They really are good kids and I've tried to explain that he's getting annoyed over trivial things) he has a child to a previous relationship and his son can do no wrong, the perfect child that only needs to be told once apparently (he's only allowed to see him for a few hours every other weekend....so he's not having to do the full time parenting with him... the usual put your washing in the wash basket, bring that glass downstairs that you used last night (the typical kid things)! When I've mentioned kids will be kids he hates it, he thinks I don't discipline them properly.

He gets in really bad moods, used to drink 8 cans a night before he met me (obviously I didn't know this when I met him) now on weekends (starting Thursday for him he drinks between 24-32 cans of lager).

He was great to begin with would go out of his way to help the kids, happy, laughing etc but over time it's like he didn't like how close me and the kids were (my family and friends think he was jealous, wanted me to himself and tried to push the kids away) my daughter is 16 so she's either out with friends or working so she wasn't really about much, my son (now 13) hid out in his room to keep away from my husband because he was walking on eggshells around him, afraid to come down and ask for a drink (which my husband would never say anything to my son...he'd wait until he went back upstairs and I'd get the 'bit late isn't it' comment (it was 9:20 and sons bed time is 9:30) so not not late in my eyes.

He tried to isolate me from my family & friends didn't want to go to any social events, made them feel uncomfortable when they came to visit that that started to stay away (I could see I was losing them all, but wanted him to be happy) he would get in moods if I had planned to meet up with a friend (then thought that all I'd done is 'slag him off' his words) I was catching up with a friend I had better things to do. I would get messages saying how long does it take to go for a walk?? Etc.

He's got OCD, insecurities, depression & alcohol problems although he doesn't think he had got any of these and doesn't need to change (it's all us and we need to change)!

He was ill a few weeks back and I thought he had a bug or eaten something that didn't agree with him (then last week he messages me saying the reason why I was ill last week is because I tried to kill myself...he took tablets) I said what if the kids found you, his response was I took them and went to bed only one person would of found me!!! Oh lovely could you imagine waking up the next morning to that horrific situation!

He didn't even speak to half of his family thinking he's better than them all (he's very materialistic, very look at me)

When money was concerned he wouldn't pay for a single thing if it involved the kids (such as dinner money, bus money for school etc) he loved that I paid the bills (he pay half) then when I got to the end of the month and was struggling he would love that I didn't have any and had to ask him.

I'm getting different messages from him at the minute- one being I miss you, I love you, I wish things could go back to the way they were when we first met but I know we are better off apart -to- the dogs more mine than yours I paid more for him so I'll be taking him with me.

My son said he changed as soon as we got married, the arguing got worse and when the going got tough he'd run back to his dads house (this had happened 4/5 times) my son said are we going to give it another go? Because if my husband comes back he's going to live with his nan that's how much my son can't stand him, the moods, the being ignored (son said he felt invisible as my husband wouldn't even talk to him) when I brought this up with my husband he said 'if he doesn't talk to me I'm not taking to him' how bloody immature (he's the adult) my kids are actually more mature than him.

I know my head says this is no good move on, my heart says I love him...I called off my wedding to the kids father after being together for 12 years because I knew it wasn't right (& my husband knew I only wanted to get married the once and it was a massive deal for me...he knew I'd only be marrying the person I wanted to spend my whole life with). My friends think he did it as a challenge 'haha now I've got you' now I can really be myself and the true colours came out (they say all the beginning was a lie and that he wasn't truly being himself) until we got married.

I should mention when he split with his ex (child's mum) he moved back to his dads and cut himself, he can't cope with life, he doesn't understand families, has hardly any friends, doesn't even like most of his own family! I just don't get it!!! He had the chance to have a happy family I would of done (nearly anything for him...I wouldn't of pushed my family and friends away and he just needed to be calmer with the kids) but anything else I could of dealt with. I hope one day he'll realise he actually had a good life here!

Would love to hear your thoughts on this & thanks for reading 🙂

[rupertpenryswife]

What a tough situation, on the face of it I would have said leave him, I couldn't see anyone treating my kids this way, depression and alcohol problem are no excuse.

You say you love him but the pressure on you must be immense, are you worried he would harm himself? I don't know how you resolve this, he needs to help himself but that sounds unlikely, he sounds like an alcoholic and that In turn makes depression worse, you say he does not think he has a problem. Have you told him how damaging his drinking is? Do you talk openly? It does not sound like there is any support if he does not have friends or talk to family.

I think for me I would attempt to discuss all you have told us on here, if he is not open to this tell him it's affecting the kids, the rest is is up to you. I could not stay in a relationship like this and I say this as someone who has suffered severe depression and had alcohol problems, the key for me was admitting I had a problem and helping myself. It is possible to change but he needs to do this.

[butterfly56]

I am sorry yo are going through this OP
It's an awful situation to be in and I am talking from experience as both a child who had a father like this and then a husband. I left my exh when the children were very small.

Please please put yourself and your childrens' emotional wellbeing first.
His problems are far far greater than you can even begin to tolerate.
He cannot and will not see the damage he is doing to the people around him because according to him it's everyone else who is the problem.

You and your children are walking on eggshells around him all the time.
He does not have the capacity to change and even if he did the turmoil around your children will have lifelong effects on them.

I hope you manage to find the emotional strength to keep him away from you and your children.

[butterfly56]

Also you may get more responses if you post on the Divorce/Seperation Thread or Relationships Thread.

[Prawnofthepatriarchy]

I can't find any other threads you've started, tlsalt. I'm very concerned for you having read your OP.

Your DH sounds as if he is an alcoholic but, far more importantly*, he's also a textbook abusive DP.

Listen to your DS. He noticed that things got worse once your DH thought he'd trapped you by getting married. That's classic. All abusers reveal more of their true nature the more under the thumb you are. Just be grateful you haven't had DC with him.

You are absolutely right to be divorcing this nasty piece of work.

*i say this because alcoholism doesn't have to wreck family life. Alcoholics can be as lovely as anyone else if they stop drinking. I'm a very long time sober alcoholic, as is my DF. I stopped drinking because I could see my marriage wouldn't survive unless I did. I spent 6 weeks in rehab and went to AA meetings for many years. Best thing I ever did.

[Graphista]

Let him go.

Tbh I'm shocked that with 2 DC of your own and his having a DC he's BARELY ALLOWED to see that you seem to have rushed into marrying this guy. Why?! Did the fact he's barely allowed to see his child not raise alarm bells?

You'd only known him 2 years. Did you live with him before marriage? If so I can't imagine it was for long or he'd have revealed himself. Personally with DC involved I'd recommend to anyone -

6 months before DC even meet new partner.

1 yr after that minimum you date with DC gradually getting more involved.

1 yr after that consider moving in together

1 yr after that possibly marriage.

And they'd be minimum time scale. Repeatedly on mn there are posters saying they've 'ended up' living with/married to completely unsuitable partners who treat them and their DC appallingly! No you didn't 'end up' you made a choice!

I have OCD, depression anxiety etc but I recognise it and I'm trying to do better. I suspected he did in the op.

I'm also the child of an alcoholic and finding it hard to believe you'd no idea he was until after you married.

As I said, let him go your DC still need you, he has his family and it's pointless even trying to have a relationship with him if he won't even acknowledge his flaws. Don't fall for the sunken costs fallacy or into enabling him, you'll lose what's left of your relationship with your DC.