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DH and his drinking

(8 Posts)
SmiledWithTheRisingSun Sat 30-Jun-18 20:27:57

DH's drinking is worrying me & making me sad. I have been trying so hard to talk to him about it for a long while now. He's recently agreed to read a book about cutting out alcohol and try to cut down - on the one hand he totally agrees with me that he has an issue, but when he has a drink (or 10) and I comment, he just rolls his eyes like I'm trying to ruin his fun. I've told him I will get fed up of this eventually because it's really hurtful. He says he loves me and wants to cut down. But it's clear to me after 20 years & 2 kids together that he can't. I love him. I understand why he drinks - stressful job , disfunctional wider family etc... I just want us to be happy & don't want to rip our family apart. I just don't know if I can be happy with an alcoholic forever sad I'm SO fed up with feeling let down by him.

I went to an Al anon meeting but found it terribly depressing and quite like a religion (even though they assured me it wasn't religious). I just don't know what to do.

OP’s posts: |
NickyNora Sat 30-Jun-18 20:30:47

Has he ever seriously looked for help?

Bollocksitshappenedagain Sat 30-Jun-18 20:49:25

He won't stop unless he wants too. You just have to decide whether you can live with it or walk away.

SmiledWithTheRisingSun Sat 30-Jun-18 20:56:31

No he has not seriously looked for help.
He's not someone who gets up in the morning and drinks - he drinks too much every day.
It's impacting his weight, sleep and relationship with me.
We talk about it a lot. I feel
So let down by his repeated promises to change. And I'm sick of feeling like a nag.
He holds down a job and I know he loves me and the kids. And we love him too. I just can't stand to see the destruction it's causing to his health and the terrible example he's setting for our children.
I'm really torn.

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Bollocksitshappenedagain Sat 30-Jun-18 21:16:25

I've been split with my husband 1 month. He has alcohol issues and although in theory has given up it still dominated his life. It was there in the background and every 6 months / year there would be a slip up. It's also been substituted with tablets. And just general lack of care for himself and his health.

I decided I could not live like this anymore and asked him to leave but it has taken a long time to get here but I had to make that decision for the sake of my dd's.

Bollocksitshappenedagain Sat 30-Jun-18 21:21:51

I was always on edge wondering if he had had a drink. And always nagging!

mummabubs Sat 30-Jun-18 21:52:12

Afraid I can't offer much advice other than what others will say- your DH won't change his behaviour unless he feels motivated to do so. It's immensely tough on the family supporting them. Your description of your DH is very similar to my father OP, he wasn't the type to drink in the morning (although both his parents were), but he did have several drinks every night and even when we begged him not to he'd drink in secret. It nearly destroyed my relationship with him in my teenage years. I also went to an AI anon meeting and decided it wasn't for me. Like you, I found it religious in undertone and given that I've worked in mental health and addiction services during my career I don't support the message given that we should accept that the person who is addicted has no control over their behaviour and should surrender to a higher power. It's disempowering in my opinion and doesn't give hope for change.

Only you know how you feel at any given time. Personally I'd be inclined to keep communicating to him how it makes you feel. By not saying anything he might not see how much it's hurting you. If a time comes when you decide that you can't stay in the the relationship with things as they are then that's completely understandable. Equally if you choose to stay then make sure you have other people who can offer you support when you need it. Sending support and virtual hugs, it really is horrible for all involved xxx

SmiledWithTheRisingSun Sun 01-Jul-18 08:21:50

Thank you so much for your replies.
That's exactly what I felt about AA mummabubs.
DH does admit there is a problem and he says he wants to change. I can't bear the thought of leaving really - I just feel that I should when I'm really angry with him.
I think I need to look after myself better and like you mentioned, keep communicating how it makes me feel. I know it's him that needs to make the decision. It's just so bloody frustrating.

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