Should I be suspicious of this man's intention with my alcoholic friend?

[glideandglint]

I have a friend with an alcohol problem. She hasn't acknowledged this even though it has cost her friends, family support, health and very nearly her job.

There is a new man in her life. He knows
that we (her friends) are worried about her drinking and the behaviour, lies, injures etc that come from it.

He knows this because she introduced us to him at an intervention that we had with her.

I'll just let that sink in.

She brought him along to an intervention and introduced us to him for the first time. I know that's not normal but we have got used to her erratic decisions. Maybe she was hoping we wouldn't say anything if he was there. But we did, because it was important that we got things in the open.

So he knows ALL about her drinking and how it has affected her relationships. and he has still continued with this relationship and has moved in with her. So as not to drip feed, I understand he is not contributing to rent/bills.

So is he a total saint who loves her despite her issues?
Is he using her in the knows that she is vulnerable?
Is he misguided in thinking he can change her?

I really don't know what to make of it. I do know that in a lot of their social media posts there is a bottle/glass of something open in the background.

Has anyone here/that you know of got into a good health relationship when they were drinking unhealthy amounts regularly?

Thanks for getting to the end! I'm a regular MNer but obviously had to name change as this is very outing.

[jocktamsonsbairn]

From what you've said I would be worried too. Go with your gut Ustinov. I'd also be wary of someone who moves in with a new partner but doesn't contribute to housing costs/bills etc unless there is a very good reason for this. Your poor friend.

[glideandglint]

Thanks @jocktamsonsbairn

I'm so used to being cross with her that it's good to hear some sympathy for her and her situation.
This guy seems to genuinely like her and respect her but the not paying his way is a red flag, and that's without taking the drinking into consideration.

[Chocolatepeanuts]

I lost a long reply there op this is so similar ti a situation in our family. Are you in NI by any chance?

I cant work out if the guy is also an alcoholic or just a freeloader. He also gives me the creeps. Have you spoken to your friend regarding your concerns about him?

[glideandglint]

Hi, not in NI - on the other side of the water!

My DH has used that same phrase 'he gives me the creeps' about this guy too. I can't comment on his drinking because I haven't spent enough time with him. But I do know it hadn't improved hers any.

She is very much loved up and I think if I said anything negative about him it would end our friendship.

[glideandglint]

@Chocolatepeanuts sorry to hear you are in a similar situation. Have you said anything to your family member about your concerns.

[Chocolatepeanuts]

Not about this new man no. Its my MIL so not really my place. I have tried to talk to her about her drinking just once...lets just say it didnt end well. We are on good speaking terms again and I dont want to rock the boat. Things will come to a head soon i think with this guy. Its hard not knowing what to do for the best!

[jocktamsonsbairn]

Glideandglint I have friend who is on a similar route to self destruction re alcohol. O e wealthy one night stand/ F buddy after another and it's soul destroying. She has a child and fortunately won't move anyone in. He does sound like he's not genuine tho from what you've said.

[glideandglint]

Thanks for the previous replies.

I've spoken to my friend's BF. Turns out he's a bit feckless rather than sinister.

He has totally fallen for all her cliched excuses about her behaviour. She has some mysterious syndrome that makes her speech slurred. She has a hidden illness that makes her tired. Her mood swings are down to anxiety/depression/PTSD/OCD. Of course none of this has been diagnosed by a medical professional.

So I'm just going to leave him in denial until he is ready to face the facts that all of her problematic behaviour has one, very simple, blindingly obvious, reason.

There's still no excuse for him not contributing financially but he means no harm, even though he is enabling her.

[DriftwoodFascinator]

he means no harm, even though he is enabling her.

That, in itself, is harmful to your friend.