Alcoholic partner, new baby

[Newmom84]

My partner of three years has a problem with alcohol. I knew about his problem from day one, and it has always been very up and down - sometimes he manages it brilliantly, other times he is off the rails. He is the kindest most brilliant person, but his alcohol problem is getting bigger.
He drank throughout my pregnancy which created a lot of stress. At about 6mths pregnant he started going to counselling and making a massive effort to drink less, and I really thought we cracked it.
I gave birth a few weeks ago, and I had to stay in overnight. He was meant to come to the hosp first thing in the morning, but he didn’t turn up. I found out he’d used my bank card to go on a massive bender with his friend. So as I was recovering in hospital with our new baby, he was out getting wrecked. I can’t even explain how devastated I was and still am by this.
Last night he offered to look after the baby so I could get some sleep. Heard her screaming in the early hours, and when I went downstairs he was passed out surrounded by bottles.

What do I do? He knows he has a problem. He has the support of me and his family. He starts to make changes but falls off the wagon. I love him and he is so amazing when he is not drinking, but I don’t want this for my baby or for me. Coping with this, alongside the stresses of a newborn, feels so overwhelming. Any advice???

[unintentionalthreadkiller]

Oh op if you can't even trust him to look after a brand new baby for a few hours while you sleep you need to leave or kick him out. It will only get worse.

Sorry.

[PotteringAlong]

Leave. You’re not going to change him and you’re not going to solve it.

And never leave him alone with the baby again. I assume he doesn’t drive, but if he does it goes without saying you don’t let him drive you or the baby.

[BertrandRussell]

Leave. Today. Do you have parents you can go to?

[FusionChefGeoff]

In my experience, if he wants to stop, he will need help.

If he's not willing to seek out this help (AA, GP, other alcohol counselling service) then it's going to get worse.

So yes you need to get him out or leave yourself.

[LoniceraJaponica]

Agree with leave. You need to concentrate on you and the baby. Having a baby with an alcoholic wadn't a great idea in the first place. You don't need the added complication of worrying about him. SIL's husband is an alcoholic snd she made the mistake of staying with him. If she had left him years ago she would have had a nicer life.

Remember:
You didn't cause it
You can't control him
You can't cure him

[W0rriedMum]

Who owns/tents the place you live in? If you, can you kick him out? If him, do you have family who could put you up for a few months till the baby is older and you're back on your feet?

He is an alcoholic. You and the baby are a very poor second and third to that. It won't change. I'm so sorry.

[W0rriedMum]

You actually had a close call the other night when the baby started screaming and he was passed out. He could have had her with him on the sofa when he passed out.

Please do take action.

[Callamia]

He needs to be away from you and the baby. He needs to find out how to control his relationship with alcohol, and whatever it is that’s underlying that. Will he go into rehab? Otherwise, I would live separately, and only allow supervised contact how ever that works for you.

A really good friend of mine was stopped from seeing his children after he developed a drink problem (his children weren’t babies, and they were definitely psychologically at risk form having a drunk dad). It was the wake-up he needed, and he sorted himself out - on various fronts. He’s a much happier and better person for it. It’s possible (and I’m , but it has to come from that person - you can’t care for a baby and an active alcoholic without running yourself into the ground and risk to the baby.

[Bumdishcloths]

If he cannot be trusted to even look after his own infant without drinking, you need to leave. If you have family and friends you can stay with, go. If you don't, contact women's aid. To echo a PP, if he drives, don't go anywhere near a car with him or your baby. Do not leave baby alone with him.

[QuiteLikely5]

Don’t leave him alone with the baby. To shower yes but no longer than 39 mins

Sadly he is unable to put his desire for alcohol on hold. He is an addict and his addiction will always take priority

[QuiteLikely5]

Not 39 mins

[JaneEyre70]

He was responsible for your baby but put drink first. That tells you all you need to know. He's an addict. You can't "save" him and will send yourself insane trying. Put your baby's safety first. Talk to Al Anon, they will support you. But get the hell away. He's not amazing anymore, he's a drunk. That person has long gone and you need to wake up to it .

[Bluntness100]

Whatever you chose to do it's highly irresponsible to leave an infant with a known alcoholic. You simply cannot do this. Your child could get badly hurt. What if he stumbles and falls whilst holding her. Puts her down to sleep the wrong way. It's so dangerous.

I'm sorry but uou elected to have a child with an alcoholic and as such never leaving him alone to care for her is part of the price of that.

Personally I would not raise a child in this environment and leave. He'd have to be dry for some considerable time before i allowed him unsupervised contact and contemplated a relationship with him.

This is no longer about you, it's about your child. You need to put them first and raising them with an alcoholic is going to be awful for them to grow up with. Never mind leaving him in charge of her.

You're being irresponsible by allowing it. He is simply in the grips of an addiction he cannot as yet control and is also being irresponsible by agreeing to look after her knowing he needs to drink.

You both need to end it for your child's sake. He should get help, have supervised visits, and if he manages to stay dry for a couple of years then reconsider the situation.

[twinone]

That would be unforgivable for me. He put having a drink over the safety of his own baby.
I would be leaving to make a safer life.

[W0rriedMum]

Can we be compassionate and kind to the OP here? She has a new baby and is at her most vulnerable, dealing with a crap situation. It's not helpful to say we would never have had a baby with an alcoholic etc. Let's just help the OP in a non judgemental way.

[MayFayner]

Harsh words from bluntness OP but I'm afraid I have to agree with every single one of them.

You were no doubt hoping that the arrival of the baby would cause him to re-evaluate his choices, but you now have to accept that that categorically isn't going to happen and now you have to protect your baby.

[Bananalanacake]

He stole your money to go drinking. Does he work and pay towards the baby. I agree with others best to live apart until he gets sober.

[Cirrys]

I agree that you need to leave. At the very least you cannot risk your baby's life by letting him look after her. He only has to fall over or doze off once and she could end up dead.

[mzcracker]

Speaking as the child of an alcoholic parent please leave.
I watched my father drink himself to death and my mother lived each day wondering what state he'd come home in and wether we would have any money that week after he went on off on one his binges.
It's no life.

[Wallywobbles]

An alcoholic can never ever be trusted. Ever. He will drink drive with them. He will drink when he is in sole charge. You will always be trying to protect them from his alcoholism and it's crap. That is your truth.

[Newmom84]

It’s not feasible to leave right now, the baby is a few weeks old. I’m a first time mum and my head and hormones are all over the place, so I am really not in any position to leave. It’s also very hard because this behaviour is 20% of our relationship and life together - I know it should be 0%. I’m just stuck between a rock and a hard place l 😓

[Bananamanfan]

You can't leave the baby with him, he could easily suffocate the baby falling asleep/passing out. He also should not sleep in the room with the baby and deginitely not the bed if he has been drinking as your baby will have a greatly increased risk of SIDS.

[Bluntness100]

If you're not willing to leave, then the first thing you need to do is never leave him alone with her. The image of a new born screaming and her father passed out beside her surrounded by bottles is horrific. That is the sort of thing they take kids into care for.

So first step is not to leave him to care for her ever. The second step is to think what it will be like to grow up with a drunk for a father and the damage it will do and decide if you are willing to leave at some point for your child's sake. At this stage I suspect you are not there yet.

You may make the choice to live in that environment, but it's very unfair to force your child to grow up in it. However even though you're not yet willing to protect your child as they grow up from it, at least protect their safety now and not leave him to care for her. He is not well. He is an alcoholic and as yet not in control of his desire to drink. The fact he got so drunk he passed out whilst caring for a new born tells you everything you need to know.

[BitOutOfPractice]

Do you think that you will be the first partner in history to "cure" their alcoholic partner if you just try hard enough? You won't. Only one person can do that, and that's him. And he doesn't want to. He's proved that to you already: booze is more important to him than his precious newborn daughter.

[cowgirlblues]

You will not be able to stop him from drinking. Been there. Drove my ex to rehab three times! Went to AA, al Anon etc. Watched it worsen and lose a director level job, lose driving licence etc.

The only thing you can do is to let him hit rock bottom by himself and detach. It's hard and awful but that is the only thing you can do.