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What do I do

(7 Posts)
bollocksitshappenedagain Tue 13-Mar-18 23:40:09

Name says it all. Married to alcoholic. Been dry for 7 years apart from 2 small slip ups. (That I know of) also has had issues with tablets more recently. Although as far as I'm aware not for 2 years or so since he ended up with perforated ulcer.

Anyway he also suffers from depression and he's been moody as fuck last couple
Of months. Not going to meetings etc.

I've been a bit suspicious lately as he's been for a few 'walks' in the evening. Told me he was walking to get girls from school today as healthier.

Anyway youngest woke up upset wanted a cuddle from him she called him but he didn't come up so I went down found him asleep in arm chair. I knew immediately. Looked in his bag small vodka bottle with few sips missing. He came too. Looked confused. He Went upstairs and I found another small empty one in there. There was a time about 2 month ago and he was in a going for walks phase and a couple of times he came back a bit 'off' he's denying it obviously but pretty sure it must be that. He takes his bag everywhere with him (around the house) but always has.

Fuckity fuck fuck.

We don't have the best relationship
I know. I think I lost most feelings for him over the drinking years but we plod along.

Just don't know what to do. Well I know what I want to do but then I think I cannot manage financially. I don't want to lose this house. (I am main earner but don't think I could manage alone) he went part time but that's as much down to struggling to work with the depression as it is to provide childcare.

Just need to vent really.

EastDulwichWife Wed 14-Mar-18 17:09:53

I'm really sorry OP. What a horrible situation to be in. Do you have anyone in real life you can confide in?

Have you been able to go through your finances properly and determine your options?

Thinking of you.

Karcheer Sun 18-Mar-18 11:03:32

Do you go to Alanon? Do you have the contact details of his sponsor?

bollocksitshappenedagain Tue 22-May-18 22:49:32

Name is apt isn't it. Twice in 2 months! Came back from work late. He was just 'off' girls were still up so means drank while they were in the house and around (although I guess not in the room)

Have told him I want to leave. I think I could financially manage. Realised that he spends a lot on crap from the joint account so as long as I cut the card off should be ok. He said our relationship gives him the excuse to drink - I pointed out that if it was that there would be another reason.

My work is quite flexible so hopefully I can juggle it in the short term at least.

My concern is him finding somewhere else. He is obviously not coping at i fear this will tip him over the edge and he will lose job etc but I'm not sure we can continue as we are. Then again he will probably not find somewhere and things will get brushed under the carpet for another2 months.

I read other people's posts and think stop talking about it and just bloody do it but it's not that simple.......

I am preparing. Mortgage is out of fixed term and I was going to renew but leaving that until I know what's happening. Luckily sky tv contract up so will let that cancel. And review for other areas of savings.

I do t know what his right are- I don't want any maintenance (not that there would be anything to give me) but will I be expected to pay maintenance to him if I am a higher earner even if I have the children?

Guess I need to see a lawyer!

Eesha Sat 26-May-18 07:32:26

Speak to a lawyer and get yourself more organised financially. You do get more benefits as a single parent. I think maintenance is paid to whomever mainly looks after the kids but you’ll need to check. I left my functional alcoholic partner. I found him somewhere decent to move to. It wasn’t easy but I tried to make the transition smooth for him so not to antagonise him and to ensure he went. He didn’t do anything himself. Life is so much more peaceful and stress free without worrying about his stresses at home. He still drinks but doesn’t think he has a problem. I focus now on myself and the kids. There is hope!

bollocksitshappenedagain Sat 26-May-18 08:14:22

@Eesha

I actually made the decision - (there is another thread) he moves out tomorrow.

Financially I am ok luckily - I am main earner and as long as we cut back a bit we should be ok - I can cover mortgage and bills etc without any help. He has said he will transfer some (he is going to stay with parents) but I am realistic that may not happen as a) I'm not 100% he will stay positive and could end up losing job although they seem to be supportive at the moment. Also he is only part time anyway at the moment.

Childcare is sorted - luckily I have a very flexible job so between a couple of mornings childminder and a couple of afternoons family that resolved without too much additional expense. Had this sorted within 2 days - I am very much a just get on and organise it person.

I will see a solicitor next week.

I veer between knowing I am doing right thing and wondering if it is caused by the depression and I am being unreasonable.

But to be fair he has probably had an alcohol issue for years.

I think the hard time will be in a few months if he stays clean as family I think will expect me to give it another go. However it's gone too far plus he's a lazy shit and is never really proactive with organising anything for the children which means I don't really fancy going back to that anyway. It's like having 3 children.

I do appreciate that I am in a very fortunate position with my salary and flexibility in my job that I have the option to do this which many people feel they don't.

Eesha Sat 26-May-18 23:31:19

I think you need to work out for yourself whether worth staying. I think I was like you financially solvent etc but I was scared of my ex and his anger and drink. I knew it must have been depression related but I couldn’t let him destroy the family. It doesn’t sound like you are in fear, more fed up, so maybe worth having a long conversation with him to make him see what he would lose if he continued this way?

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