hes been up at 4am to drink the beer he couldn't finish last night

[dorifish]

and he knew we had a drive planned up. I hear him very carefully opening the cans trying not to make a huge crack and pop noise.
at 7am i hear him putting the kettle on and then running himself a bath. as if that will hide the 4 or 6 cans he drunk.

I mustve looked equally ridiculous when i tried to hide my drunkness. You think you're so clever and nobody knows or notices. Everyone knows.

I hate being with him.

He doesn't see a problem in his drinking.

(I know I need to leave but its complex. just wanted to vent).

[flatwhite45]

Oh god I coud have written this post. I am a recovering alcoholic/addict married to an alcoholic in denial. It’s awful to watch him put himself and us (his family) through this. Somehow more complicated when you ‘get it’ and have been there. The best advice I have is that you cannot control someone else’s drinking, only he can make the change and only he can decide when. But you can look after yourself. al anon are meant to be amazing for support

[dorifish]

flatwhite45 thank you so much for that post. It's such a relief to hear from someone who understands the dynamics of this situation.

Your advice strikes a chord with me because i had been focusing on and replaying in my head: "you have no right to comment or criticize his drinking because you did the same. Who do you think you are to ask him to stop?!". This made me feel helpless, ashamed and angry at myself.

The simple truth that you mention is what I needed to hear and remember: Nobody, whether a recovering alcoholic or not, can control someone else's drinking. It's his choice entirely. Same as it was mine.

I had for years thought that if I created a better environment, if I was warmer and nicer to him, if I withheld affection and gave him the silent treatment, if I minimised stresses.. he still drank.
Al Anon are great. I do feel ashamed though because I'm an alcoholic and feel that I'm not worthy of the support since at a previous point I had hurt others by my drinking. I felt like a fraud there so i stopped going.

I'm going to go out and enjoy my day without him and will plan something nice for later as being around this can make me feel quite down about life.