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Living with a dry drunk

(3 Posts)
redgreenred Fri 14-Apr-17 08:02:57

Looking for some guidance as to whether I'm being unreasonable or not. My DH and I are on a temporary separation. Part of the reason behind this is the emotional impact on me of living with his alcoholism for 5 years and him not being there for me emotionally during this time (which covered the birth of our DC and 2 miscarriages) and generally being a grumpy and unpleasant person to be around. He went through a detox programme 15 months ago and had not drunk since, but then became depressed, so the last year has been struggling on meds. End result is the same, another year of living with someone who could only focus on their own problems, leaving me unsupported.

Trying to talk about our marriage now he won't acknowledge the impact the last 6 years have had on me, only how hard it's been on him. Other than stoping the drinking, he's not been on any kind of AA programme, so no acknowledging and working through the impact of his behaviour on others. It's all very self-centred and 'poor little me'. Someone I know described him as a dry drunk - the drinking is gone, but the self-centred addict behaviour hasn't been challenged. Is that fair? Am I being fair? He tells me that by talking about the last 5 years I'm making him go back to a period in his life that he doesn't want to visit. My behaviour in the marriage hasn't been perfect (and I admit that) but it's like he thinks any impact of his behaviour on me can be excused because he was an addict, it was a tough time for him and he didn't choose to be that way. Any insights are very welcome as I'm just getting angrier and angrier at his attitude.

ladyballs Fri 14-Apr-17 08:24:24

I left my STBXH and he finally went to rehab. He's been sober a year and is still an arsehole. I've never had an apology for the shitty things he did to me. In a way I prefer the drunk guy because I could blame his unpleasantness on the booze.

No advice but huge hugs OP. flowers

Biddylee Mon 19-Jun-17 20:00:50

Are you able to draw a line and let the past be the past? (which I know is very hard - I've been trying to do it for awhile!) But it might mean you don't have to hear him feeling sorry for himself but you can see how he behaves in the present.

Has he been to a counsellor? Or look for other support networks? I had a long term partner who gave up and really struggled with socialising when sober - he thought he was dull and no-one would want to hang out with him. So he was struggling with who he was as a sober person (plus all the stuff that being sober and having some clarity of mind bought up ) and I was still fuming at the years of crap behaviour I was dealing with.

Al-anon might help. Hope you can sort things out. x

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