Please help!(9 Posts)
I really need some advice.
My now ex is a binge drinker. We'd been together 4 years and it steadily got worse, to the point where he got verbally abuse with with me on more than one occasion which forced me to leave.
He'd drink 8-10 cans of lager and then move onto a bottle of Jack Daniels. He'd get so drunk he'd message other girls behind my back, call people etc etc and have no recollection of it. We were at a gig once in Glasgow and got separated from our friend, he nipped to the toilet while I waited outside talking to some other fans and he was so drunk he forgot about me and went wandering off to find his mate, leaving me in a strange city with total strangers. At special occasions (weddings, birthdays etc) when it was his round he'd neck an extra couple of bourbons at the bar before coming over with our drinks. He tries to hide a lot of how much he drinks. Why do this?
Anyway, I know I'm rambling but I'm just trying to add context to the situation.
Last week I decided enough was enough, I started to dread the weekends as I knew that was when everything would kick off. I left him.
Since then he won't leave me alone, messages me to tell me he loves me and is drinking more than ever now. He's messaged me earlier (7am) and is still drinking from last night.
When he's sober he's the perfect partner but when drunk he becomes someone I dislike. What can I do? If I could convince him to quit drinking it would be perfect but he doesn't see an issue, I can't help someone like that can I? Cutting down isn't an option because once he starts, that's it.
If I can't get him help, how do I get him to leave me alone so I can grieve for the relationship I thought I had?
I think you already know you can't help him. Have a look at Al Anon - this is an organisation there to support friends and families of problem drinkers. The 3Cs are:
- you did not cause it
- you cannot cure it
- you cannot control it.
There is nothing you can do about problem drinking.
So the main priority now is to get you some head space so you can start to process how bad for you this relationship is. He knows that, which is why he is bombarding you with messages to try and prevent you from being able to detach.
Keep a note of all his contact so far so that you can go to the police if you have to, but then you need to block him. Block him on social media, block his number (Extreme Call Blocker is a good app if you're on Android) and tell your friends not to pass on any messages. I'm sure they will be extremely pleased you've left him, having witnessed some of his behaviour in the past. If you've been covering up for him, be honest with them and tell them what it's been like.
And if he then starts coming round to your house, you need to go to the police.
Make sure you are getting the support you deserve, instead of focusing exclusively on him and his needs. That's the road to co-dependence and is very common in relationships with addicts. None of this is any good for you - focus on yourself now.
Thanks so much for your reply... I'm not in a good place mentally right now. Since leaving him I'm sleeping on average 2-3 hours a night and I'm not eating.
I've been coming clean to friends and family about exactly how bad things were, only his close friends know how bad it has been but they're enablers...
I've been on the internet looking at Al-Anon to try to get some information but meetings are nowhere near me, I live near a city but it's a small city if you see what I mean?
My other issue is he has a 6 year old boy whom he had full custody of (his partner died when they boy was 18 months old). This was his 'excuse' for drinking near the start of our relationship - I thought I could help as I lost my fiancé 10 years prior to his loss (we'd already been friends a long time) and could guide him through his healing.
I'm rambling now, sorry.
Unfortunately the only person who can stop him drinking is gim.
I lived with a drinker, a great guy until he had his first drink. Then he became the devil incarnated, and always had another one, till he was uncontrollable. I left him when he got violent, physically.
It is an awful addiction, as, unlike drugs, alcohol is legal and sold every where.
You can't stop him from drinking. The AA 3C's are so true.
Good luck. You have to live your life, and you seem to have suffered enough to not need his suffering.
Tribpot is so right, and puts it better than I do.
Is it bad that I miss his son more than him? I'd try for contact but I'm afraid he'd use that to try and pull me back in. He's like quicksand
Hi. You have done the right thing leaving. And I'm speaking from experience of being where your partner was. I was the alcoholic and I couldn't stop drinking until I wanted to. I tried for other people but deep down it had to be for me. Sounds selfish. It fucking is but until things got so so bad for me that I was hurting like I never had before then I just didn't want to put the bottle down. It was I thought my friend. I'm 5 and a bit years sober and my life is amazing. But I had to hit rock bottom and that was so tough. That also meant people I loved abandoning me and not enabling me. With regards to his son I think you need to contact someone who can help. He's not fit to be a parent at the moment. He needs to know that. And it will probably get worse till it Gets better. I wish you well and do contact al anon. They will be so good for your mental health.
Does the boy have grandparents he sees? I hope he does because his father can't be looking after him properly at the moment. Could you arrange contact through them?
Thanks so much for the advice, it's nice to hear from the other side. His grandparents (on his mother's side) live 70 miles away and they see him in school holidays, they know the issues I'm facing and are happy for me to go and stay with them when they have him. The grandparents on my ex's side have been deceased for around 12 years now. It's probably worth mentioning that my ex's mum was an alcoholic... she was a daily drinker, which is probably why my ex doesn't see an issue. "I don't see any problem with having a few drinks on a weekend" is his favourite go to line.
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