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DP and alcohol

(31 Posts)
toogoodtobetruex Wed 08-Feb-17 17:57:27

I don't really know why I'm asking because I think I know the answer but dp is young, late twenties, good job, well paid and so on. He drinks 8 or 9 cans of beer a night, most nights, in fact almost every night. More on weekends as it's 'the weekend'. He goes to bed at a normal time and wakes up for work every day no problem but I know this is too much. Not to mention what if he got breathalysed on the drive to work, would he still be over the limit?

I don't drink but have challenged him about his drinking in the past, when he goes to the GP he never tells them how much he actually drinks. I said this is a sign he knows it's wrong. He says he knows he probably drinks a bit much but never drinks in the morning so isn't an alcoholic (?!). On a weekend he will start drinking around 2pm.

I don't know what to do. I have been too passive and now feel like if I start having a go at him he will feel suddenly threatened and pull away. He is a good person and never angry or anything due to drinking. More the fact that he gets morose and once he's had a few then all proper conversation goes out of the window. He seems a bit down but we've had a tough time of it lately, I just feel lonely once he starts drinking. Sorry this was rambly it's the first time I've really said it 'out loud'.

StealthPolarBear Wed 08-Feb-17 17:58:16

Do you have children together?

toogoodtobetruex Wed 08-Feb-17 17:58:50

Not yet no but are going to start trying soon.

TroysMammy Wed 08-Feb-17 18:02:36

If he's driving to work the day after drinking that much he is bound to be over the limit. Why not get a breathalyser so he can see for himself.

Nemesia Wed 08-Feb-17 18:07:04

Please put your plans for a baby with him on hold for now. Just the amount of money he must be spending on alcohol would concern me hugely.

toogoodtobetruex Wed 08-Feb-17 18:08:37

Nemesia You're right. He's not a bad person I think he's just got into this habit and now it's become more of a 'need', which obviously isn't a good thing. Not to mention health.

Costacoffeeplease Wed 08-Feb-17 18:11:01

Don't have a child with him unless/until this is under control and he takes full responsibility

toogoodtobetruex Wed 08-Feb-17 18:12:30

Thank you guys. I think until I wrote it down I didn't realise how bad it sounds and if a friend told me the same I would be shocked. i don't want to sound woe is me but I just feel so fed up and lonely because of it.

TarkaLiotta Wed 08-Feb-17 18:16:43

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SorrelSoup Wed 08-Feb-17 18:17:05

It is bad and it isn't normal. Just echoing everyone else about not getting pregnant. How long have you been together? Does he go out drinking? What has he said to you about his drinking? Not much of a life for you, is it?

mollyblack Wed 08-Feb-17 18:17:10

I would echo what the others have said and put the baby idea on hold.

My dh is/was a functioning alcoholic for many years. It ruined loads of stuff but I always thought he would stop or I could fix him. It was a mistake to bring children in to the picture, for two reasons. 1. it makes it harder to separate if he doesn't stop or gets worse and 2. kids have to deal with a drunk person well before they should have to. You can't have 9 cans of beer every single night and be a half way decent dad.

Also... think of yourself. It can't be fun sitting next to a drunk guy every night and most of the day at weekends, what do you want for your own life.

You can't change him, think about it.

toogoodtobetruex Wed 08-Feb-17 18:19:32

We've been together 7 years, have a house together, as i said he has a good job. He's quite big so can 'handle' the alcohol quite well, as in he isn't falling about drunk, just looks a bit glazed over.

He is lovely to me but when we're on nights out he drinks at 4x the pace of everyone else and then goes miserable and people comment on the fact he wont join in or chat or anything. It's embarrassing.

I don't know, part of me thinks if I made more effort he wouldn't feel the need to drink every night? Not sure in what way. We have a nice house and friends and things.

Janey50 Wed 08-Feb-17 18:23:32

Oh OP if he's drinking 8 to 9 cans of beer in the evening,then driving the next morning,he is very likely going to be over the drink/driving limit. It takes approximately 1 hour for one unit of alcohol to be broken down by the body,depending on your weight,sex,what you have eaten etc. There are 2 units of alcohol in a normal strength pint of beer,3 in a stronger one. I'm not sure whether a can is equivalent to a pint,or more,or less,but assuming he drinks 9 cans of normal strength beer, that's 18 units of alcohol! Therefore it would take at least 18 hours to eliminate it from his body. If he is driving within this time,it is almost certain that he will still have alcohol in his bloodstream. Sorry to hear you are having problems with his alcohol consumption. You really do have my sympathies. My DP is a recovering alcoholic. He has been 'dry' for a year tomorrow exactly. His drinking was destroying our relationship. Ultimately he was the one that had to make the decision to stop. I honestly never thought he would be able to do it as he has what I would call an addictive personality. But he has managed it so far. Please don't give up hope. I don't know what area of the country you live in,but where I am in west London,there are numerous support groups for alcoholics and their relatives. The one near me that gave invaluable support is called 'IHear' and is a support group for alcoholics and drug addicts. It's well worth your while checking online if there is something similar near you.

thethoughtfox Wed 08-Feb-17 18:27:38

When does he get up at the weekend? How long is he actually awake before he starts? (although whatever the answer is, it's not ok) If one person is drinking / high all the time you can't have a relationship with them as you are never in the same state of mind. You can't even talk to them.

Lottapianos Wed 08-Feb-17 18:27:55

OP, you sound so sad and lonely. I really feel for you. The amount of alcohol your man is drinking is not normal or ok and you know that. My DP used to drink a bottle of wine every week night and easily double that at weekends. He was massively depressed. It really got me down
And I understand how you're feeling.

As others have said, do not even consider trying to conceive with your relationship in this state. He's minimising the impact of the alcohol and trying to convince himself and you. I don't have any advice as such, just wanted to let you know that you are right to be concerned and that you are in no way to blame for this

SorrelSoup Wed 08-Feb-17 18:30:03

I think we probably all know somebody like that. Do you think you've outgrown him? Of course you're not leading him to drink!! When did he started drinking so much and so regularly?

toogoodtobetruex Wed 08-Feb-17 18:30:14

Janey50 Thank you for that. You're right. It just seems so weird to say it because he is so functioning, but that still doesn't make it right. I will look into the support groups.

thethoughtfox He doesn't lay about in bed all day at the weekends, up by 9. He's very functioning. Your right though, I never feel like I'm on the same level as him. Also when I used to drink, if I ever got drunk and had a laugh he would make me feel bad and be like 'Oh you were a mess'. I don't bother anymore.

Gallavich Wed 08-Feb-17 18:34:03

Three Cs of alcoholism
You didn't cause this
You can't control this
You can't cure this
His alcohol addiction is nothing to do with your behaviour. You cannot have a baby with an alcoholic, it would be utterly foolish.

missyB1 Wed 08-Feb-17 18:34:57

Right firstly his addiction (because he's definitely addicted) is not your fault!! He has a serious problem and until he admits that and seeks help there nothing you can do to help him.
He gets all morose because alcohol is a depressant- especially when you have an addiction to it. If you are embarrassed by him now believe me that will only get worse as the years go on.
I suggest you sit him down and talk very frankly about this. I'm not saying he will listen, and he probably won't like it,but you have to be honest with him.

toogoodtobetruex Wed 08-Feb-17 18:35:48

I'm in floods of tears! Not in a bad way, you guys have made me realise I'm not being unreasonable. I've never said it to anyone, my friends and family know he drinks a bit but I think people are too scared to actually tell me. What you guys have said has really hit home and I'm just so grateful for people being honest with me. Sorry, I feel like an idiot crying now but it's relief I guess.

mollyblack Wed 08-Feb-17 18:46:43

I agree it will only get worse. And it becomes less acceptable the older you get too so it gets worse anyway. I.e. young couple in their 20s its I suppose a bit "normal" to be drinking and partying. When its a 40something drunk and scaring their children it is a whole different story.

I'm sorry you're crying, and I know there is only so much you can take in when you are in the middle of it, but I wish I'd listened when people told me to get out.

I am reluctant to tell you my DH finally stopped drinking last year at the age of 42 and so far has been good but there are no guarantees how long it will last. but I will never forget what myself and my kids have been through, no matter how "socially acceptable" and "highly functioning" it all is, you alone will have to continue to put up with the stress and embarrassment behind closed doors.

Also now I wish I was with someone who could drink a "normal" amount. My DH behaviour has really put me off drinking and drinkers. I do have the odd glass myself and miss the cameraderie I had with DH when he was drinking (up to a point).

However I think drinkings who ackowledge they need to stop and then actually do it are few and far between, and I'd not hang around long enough to find out, as he is currently minimising his problem and if he is doing ok in the current situation he's not likely to hit "rock bottom" soon unless he crashes his car, or kills someone on the roads.

xxx

Janey50 Wed 08-Feb-17 20:01:12

Totally agree with what Gallavich said,re.the '3 Cs' of alcoholism. It took me a long time to get my head around the fact that I wasn't the cause of his drinking. Or that I wasn't the cause of the consequences of his drinking,like the time he came home off his face,denying that he had been drinking,hiding a half bottle of vodka under the bed,collapsed into bed,fell asleep and wet the bed. Apparently,it was ME who wet the bed! And that I couldn't control his drinking,no matter how many times I tried to tip his booze down the sink,or hide his bottle of vodka. That ultimately the decision to stop and 'cure' himself lay with HIM,not ME. Like your partner OP,my DP was what you would call a 'functioning alcoholic'. He held down a job,got up in the morning without too much trouble,and to many people,seemed 'normal'. Please don't even think of having a baby with him while he like this OP. It will not help things at all. All I can suggest is that you sit down and talk to him when he is sober. There is no guarantee that he will listen,or act upon what you say. But he needs to understand that things cannot continue as they are. This is what I did. I gave him an ultimatum. It was me or the drink. And I meant it. I had reached the end of the line with him,and could not foresee spending another 2,3,4 years or whatever with him like this. It took a week for my words to sink in,but once he realised I was serious (I was packing his stuff up bit by bit each day) he stopped,totally. He was as sick as a dog to start with,suffered horrible withdrawal symptoms and was literally in bed for 3 days,shaking,sweating and groaning,while I spoon-fed him soup. But OMG it was worth it. flowers for you OP and the best of luck whatever you decide to do.

Iamastonished Wed 08-Feb-17 20:26:03

My BIL is an alcoholic. He no longer drinks, but he isn’t recovering. He won’t ever recover. He has destroyed 80% of his liver which can no longer process the toxins in his body. As a result it has caused permanent brain damage and he now has dementia. His body doesn’t work properly, he soils himself all the time and he can barely talk or walk. He is now in a care home as SIL can’t cope with him any more.

She has had years of misery living with him, his children hate him and what he has done to their mother. Unless your husband can acknowledge that he has a drink problem this is what you can look forward to.

Mils45 Thu 09-Feb-17 10:44:06

So glad I found this thread. I can't bear it anymore. My OH is the same, gets up early, high achiever and then at the pub every single evening. He doesn't get home late, but he can't even keep promises or commitments. Never comes home at the time he says. I just sit here waiting for him. Currently sat waiting for him right now as he's late again :-( :-( I can't do this much longer

SorrelSoup Thu 09-Feb-17 11:07:12

Sorry to hear that. Are there any children involved? If not, I'd be looking to separate to get some clarity at least. It's often hard to see a situation for what it is when you're right in the middle.

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