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So upset with DH..

(16 Posts)
C4Envelope Sat 28-Jan-17 11:10:19

Been married 2yrs
Have 15mo DD
I work part time and pay CT, utilities, groceries, home insurance, talktalk, my own car and fuel, any extras for birthdays etc.
Dh income is about 4x the size of mine after tax and he pays his debt, mortgage(although I often have to subsidise the amount a couple hundred quid), his car and fuel, mobile phone contracts and wine.
A bottle every fucking night at least.
We both work in hospitality therefor drinking is normalised to a certain extent.
While I was pregnant he said he would go the full 9mo drink free but I would find two bottles of pinot grigio empty every morning. He continued drinking since, usually a bottle a night but often has a few cans of cider/beer on top of that. I come home from work to find him a bottle of wine down even though he is responsible for DD durinng this time. In the last few months i noticed a horrible habit of me asking him if hed had a drink, he would lie to my face, and sneak the empty bottles out on his way to work. Its dangerous as he often drives early in the morning when he has been up till midnight drinking. If he gets in at midnigt/1 he will stay up an extra hour to drink before coming to bed stinking of booze.
Im so fucking sick of it and I confronted him telling him to not lie to my face and I will not accept it anymore if he wants to drink he can do it somewhere else not around me or DD. how disrespectful to lie to me and know that I know he is lying but do it anyway. Sometimes I fear I am past the point of caring and would be better off without the lying, financial drain that he is. But I love him and want to help him. Hes ex-army so I have nondoubt in my mind he is suffering from ptsd afterwhat he has seen and done.
Im looking for advice from any partners or anyone who themselves have rejected support and how you have overcome this? Please tell me it is possible?
I am guilty of making it very obvious that I am angry with him but then don't often follow it up.. I am too used to being pushd away with any offers of support being rejected.

understandnothing Sat 28-Jan-17 12:17:29

A drinker's relationship with alcohol is very strong. He has to want support. Until then he will lie to you. You can lead a horse to water and all that.

You can leave if you want. You will find life easier living without a drinker. It may be the push he needs.

understandnothing Sat 28-Jan-17 12:23:01

I was on the rollercoaster you are on now. Broken promises, constant lies, always finding empty bottles, wondering if my DC were safe, worrying about money and debt. It's a very lonely place. Look after your own mental health and your DD's safety. flowers

Justmuddlingalong Sat 28-Jan-17 12:26:27

He will continue until he decides to change. In the meantime, this is your life. You have to decide if you are willing to stick with him until then. flowers

littledinaco Sat 28-Jan-17 12:34:37

You can't change him OP. You have to decide if this is the life you want for you and your DD. If you are going to stay with him, you'll need to accept that this is how it is going to be.
It's only him that can decide to change but you can decide whether or not you are willing to continue in this situation.

HorridHenryrule Sat 28-Jan-17 12:46:55

A very old wise woman once said leave your drink on the table for people to see. She said that to her daughter because she was hiding it from them. If he's going to drink then he should drink and not lie to you. If he wants to stop for a short period of time then he should try only drinking at weekends at first. He won't stop right away but trying to get him to control his drinking a bit more will help him.

HorridHenryrule Sat 28-Jan-17 12:48:40

Try and watch with your partner those addiction programmes and see if he can relate to them.

HorridHenryrule Sat 28-Jan-17 13:07:25

If he is not willing to change don't put up with it. Wine, cider and beer he is an alcoholic. My cousin before he got admitted to hospital drank a pint of vodka in the morning. He would continue until he threw up or passed out. Sorry you are in this situation you have to do what is right by you and your daughter.

Costacoffeeplease Sat 28-Jan-17 13:35:15

You can't change him, he has to want to do it himself, and until he faces up to it it will only get worse

Think very carefully if this is the path you want you and your daughter to take

Bluntness100 Sat 28-Jan-17 13:39:22

It's not about the lying though is it, it's about the fact he's an alcoholic. He's clearly not ready to admit this, so only you can decide if you wish to stay with him.

juneau Sat 28-Jan-17 13:45:38

Contact Al Anon OP. They are a charity for the families of drinkers. They will have the answers you're looking for and can give you support (or help you find it locally).

The bottom line is you cannot force someone with a drink (or any other kind of addiction) problem to seek help. That desire has to come from them. You can only protect yourself and your DD. Your DH's drinking problems and whatever demons may have driven him to drink in the first place are not something that you can fix for him - however much you love him. So you have a decision to make. Can you live with him the way he is now - or not?

C4Envelope Mon 30-Jan-17 11:29:14

Thank you so much for your replies. Its heartbreaking to realise the truth of it. I will stand by him wether it is watching him progress or just buffer his ways. Will look into all the places of support you have suggested. Thank you again.

Penfold007 Mon 30-Jan-17 12:39:46

Your husband is an alcoholic, you didn't cause it and you certainly can't cure it but you can choose whether or not to subject your daughter to her father's behaviour. Sadly he isn't fit to be left in charge of his DD.

As a former serviceman he may well have more access to support via SSAFA, RBL or Help for Heroes but he has to want to get that help and it doesn't sound as though he's anywhere near ready to seek help.

Catherinebee85 Mon 30-Jan-17 12:44:01

Unfortunately while he doesn't see it as a problem, he will not stop.

He needs to understand why you hate it so much. You also need to stop subsidising this lifestyle because while you're helping him pay his bills you're actually just inadvertently funding his habit.

Gallavich Mon 30-Jan-17 12:48:17

You'll stand by him if only to buffer his way? That's really not helpful to him. Please call al anon, you're in great danger of enabling him.

C4Envelope Wed 01-Feb-17 19:06:47

I will do. Thank you for all your advice. I don't want to fall into 'enabling' it so will definitely take your advice on board.

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