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Need Advice

(10 Posts)
NameChange1978 Sun 20-Nov-16 15:27:57

My partner is an alcoholic and I don't know how to approach him about it.

He doesn't drink every day but when he does he doesn't know when to stop. He'll think nothing of having 4 cans of lager then following up with a litre of Jack Daniels.

I've caught him doing a number of things behind my back while full of alcohol, namely messaging other girls behind my back - he claims he hasn't done anything wrong, but the intent was there, which is enough.

I don't want to leave him as he has a 6 year old boy that he has sole parental responsibility over and I don't want to abandon him with an alcoholic dad. I've been a constant mother figure in his life since he was 2.

He is a great partner in every other aspect, I just wish he would cut back. Is it possible, or is this a case of needing to stop altogether?

I'm not sure what advice I need but I'm absolutely distraught, at the end of my tether and don't know what to do. I'm 38 and he's 39 if this is at all relevant?

Thanks in advance!

OohhThatsMe Sun 20-Nov-16 15:31:16

Oh that's a really difficult situation with his son.

How often does he drink like that? Most people would be dead after a litre of whisky - it must be having a huge effect on his health.

I would find it really hard to forgive his behaviour with other women while he's drunk. That would be a LTB situation for me, but I can see how difficult it is with his son being there.

Does his son call you 'mum'?

NameChange1978 Sun 20-Nov-16 15:39:57

No he doesn't call me mum but he knows I'm there for him as a mother figure.

He has also lost 3 friends over the last 2 years due to late/early 5am phone calls as he's drinking and having his own pity party.

His mate was telling me last night (we were discussing it) that once when he was over at his house for a few beers and some darts, he fell asleep but when he woke at 10am my partner was STILL awake and STILL drinking sad

NameChange1978 Sun 20-Nov-16 15:40:48

As for frequency, usually every Saturday....

OohhThatsMe Sun 20-Nov-16 15:46:28

I wouldn't think he was the right person to bring up his child, if you were to leave, would you?

NameChange1978 Sun 20-Nov-16 15:55:14

I would take his boy on tomorrow but I know he'd never allow that - we don't live together (my decision), have been together almost 4 years, unmarried etc etc so I'd never be able to prove to a court that he would be better off in my care

user1477767315 Sun 27-Nov-16 17:57:31

My partner of 4 years we have 2 children together 3 and 8 mths has just left me. He just couldn't hack it any longer. Used to find empty bottles all over the house. He lied so much and used so much menta abuse towards me. I have 2 older children from previous relationships. They are 22 and 15 and they treat me with no respect at all. Feel like running away!! shock

userformallyknownasuser1475360 Mon 28-Nov-16 00:00:55

namechange, I'm a recovering (male) alcoholic, all be it relatively new to sobriety (83 days in about 5 mins) , you will not be able to change DP, I'm sorry but that is the way it is...DP will only change when he wants to change, most likely if he hits his rock bottom, unfortunately for some they are dead by the time the hit it.

My rock bottom was the failure of my marriage, and having to move out leaving my family behind.

From what you are saying there are definite issues with alcohol, and starting but not being able to stop is an indicator of alcoholism, but only your DP will be able to tell if he is alcoholic.

For me abstinence is the only way, one drink today means I will NEED another.

AA have a question leaflet (available online) which asks quetions and sort of lets you know if you are a problem drinker - do it on his behalf and get him to do it on his own - don't tell him how many answers he needs top decide if he has an issue.

Another thing I would say is that if DP is alcoholic, he is probably suffering too - craving drinks even at times he is not drinking.

I would even suggest ringing your local AA and asking them to hold an open meeting that you and DP can attend together. Sorry it is late but I will be about for a while if you need anything further

userformallyknownasuser1475360 Mon 28-Nov-16 00:06:12

user1477767315 - the only way to deal with this is to stop drinking, I have done it today, and hope to do it again tomorrow, I know it sounds simple and I think from your post you may have been drinking when it was written...but I would suggest that you go to bed, tomorrow is a new day and when you wake up just think to yourself "I am not going to drink today" - as I said above I have been doing that for the past 83days, and it has worked - if a day is too much, break it down into hours or even minutes.

Another simple thing to try is not to take the first drink, if you don't lift the first drink you cannot lift the 3rd or the 6th or the 10th. I bet if you don;t lift the first drink then you won't get drunk either?

I advocate AA, the reason being it was AA that got me sober, but there are other programmes, and an appointment with your GP can also help.
Again I will be about for a while if you have any questions

dbjones36 Mon 20-Feb-17 20:21:15

Hi thank you for replying.. we have been down every avenue.. AA . Local cojnc drug and alcohol team.. all have failed as he's clearly not ready to admit and stop!! Eve. For me and his children ! 😩

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