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My dad his drink and me!

(5 Posts)
user1479305435 Wed 16-Nov-16 14:58:33

I need help with my dads drinking! I actually cant put up with it anymore, but i love him so much!!

For as long as i can remember my dad has drunk, or had some kind of addiction...drugs ect and i feel so sorry for him...When he's sober he is THE most amazing, kind and caring man you will ever meet. loyal friend, devoted grandparent to my 3 daughters and an all round nice funny bloke. But then he drinks, which is every day! The drunk him is nasty, rude, arrogant, wants to argue with you and just takes the piss to be honest. I have always seperated the two character...Pissed George and My Dad. If i didn't have my dad i would just have pissed George every day!

He lost my mum after 20 years through drinking as she had enough, she became very bitter towards him just though pure frustration and anger he couldnt change for her, or me and my brother. My brother now 24 cant stand him, and has no time for him at all..he even now will go in a mood with me if i mention another one of dads dramas, so now cant speak to my own brother about dad anymore.. He also lost his 2nd wife of only 2 years through his constant lies and drinking!

He scrounges off me which i even feel bad saying, hes on benefits for being an alcoholic! He is known for being such a hard grafter and worker but got to the point that he almost shot someone at work with a 6inch nail gun in the head. So me and My husband told him he needed to get help!! he used this to make excuses to stay on benefits, not getting help to sort the actual drinking but just so he didnt have to work, and so that he could get a higher benefit so he would have more money each week...which he now only spends on drink anyway...

My other half has always been amazing when it comes to my dad and undertanding of his situation..they are good friends, and many times i have fallen out with dad, its my OH that tells me to see him...till now..they have fallen out, because my OH has now had enough too...which i don't blame him but its so awkward...this happens every few months he falls out with us doesnt see us for a bit then gets his feet back under the table to take the piss...my OH has literally provided for him every week for almost 9 years, apart from the 2 years he was married...hes lived in every house we have, and drains me financly like you wouldnt believe ...

ive been cruel to be kind, ive had to he says some nasty stuff when hes drunk and it brings out a bitter side in me now too..ive told him i cant afford for him to leach off us , i cant afford his bottle of cider every day, or his bacci and 3 meals a day and its the most embarrassing thing i have to do, as i have to say these things to him when hes sober enough to listen..its cringing...but either way drunk or sober he'll get defensive and say 'im picking' on him. he guilt trips me if i say something to him about his drink and somehow always manages to blame me for the argument...before i was old enough to take his shit he blamed my mum, and his mum, his dad, as he wasntnt around and even the death of his sister when she was 6 (he was 2) hes full of excuses...

i cant deal with this anymore...what can i do? will he ever change? sorry this is long but im literally sat in my room crying writing this after an argument at my mums house with my OH as i said i want my dad at my house for an hour or 2 on xmas day!! my OH is a good bloke so dont think hes 'stopping' me from seeing my dad but he dont want him in our house..he;'s had enough and so have i but if i have told dad my feeling every way i can, ive also had him told about his behaviour constantly over the 9 years ive been with OH so what more can i do..?? .i could just talk on here all day :'-(

Coldhandscoldheart Wed 16-Nov-16 20:26:03

Oh you poor thing. You need help.
You can't change him.

You didn't cause it.
You can't cure it.
You can't control it.

Get in touch with al anon.
You might need counselling and or couples counselling.

backtowork2015 Wed 16-Nov-16 21:31:15

How awful, no very useful advice but didn't want to not answer. You need you save yourself, you cannot save him. The rest of your family are beginning to do this and you should follow suit flowers

ladypirate Mon 21-Nov-16 06:59:34

I am very sorry to hear that. It is true that alcohol can become a villain in several circumstances. Humans should study to use things properly as overuse of anything can become dangerous.
Even my father was addicted to alcohol and we had to face many challenges in our life. We were on the verge of ending our lives, but the grace of God has saved us. Don't lose your hope. Trust in God. Everything will be okay.
Why can't you take him to an alcohol rehab with the consent of some priests or elder members in your family? My father underwent an alcohol addiction treatment ( edgewoodhealthnetwork.com/locations/bellwood/programs/drug-and-alcohol-program/ ) and it was really effective. We are indebted to the officials of that rehab for giving us our life back.

overthehillandroundthemountain Mon 21-Nov-16 13:04:25

I want to give you a big hug and flowers I am going through similar, and could have written your post several years ago.

Kind & caring when sober = tick
Loyal friend = tick

Mine is a hands-off grandparent (they interfere with his drinking) but he does try by buying my DCs gifts and giving them money. Exactly as you describe: the drunken him is rude, snide, sarcastic and wants to take charge, even if he is wrong. Luckily we are very open and my DCs understand his mental health very well. I cope by holding him at arm's length.

Some coping strategies that work for me:
Expectations at an all-time low This means I have not been asked about my career since approx 1999 and all my phone calls are < 2 minutes, once a week. I have had to find support elsewhere.

Enforce boundaries I now don't attend social gatherings with my DF as he gets drunk and creates a scene. His family rarely invite him. OTOH if they do, and he is sober, he is reminded how lovely it is, etc. If he rings and he is drunk, I say "I will speak to you when you are sober" and hang up. He sometimes sends drunken, rude letters, which I either send back, unopened, or throw straight in the bin - and I tell him, espec, when he is sober, that they were inappropriate or that they upset me. He occasionally apologises

Communicate with everyone Tell them. "Father is an alcoholic". Get it out in the open. Can you talk to your brother about how you feel, i.e. that he doesn't have to agree with it, but could he help you to carry some of the burden? It seems unfair that you can't discuss it with him, when he is your brother's dad, too. He doesn't have to support it, but it would help you if he could support you by just listening.

Please stop giving him money. It's for his own good. Tell him you won't fund his alcoholism. He can only scrounge off you if you let him. If you are his next of kin, you can get in touch with his workplace and they are allowed to discuss some info with you. I did this with mine but he then got angry and told them not to, so they did that - we still communicated, but very carefully.

Be careful re. your OH. This can place enormous strain on a relationship and there will be split loyalties and difficult times. I found that asking my husb to talk to father helped in the short term, but not always. Maybe your OH could have a word when your DF is sober? It's one of those situations where you have to put your loyalties and pride aside sometimes. Please stop providing financial support YOU ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR HIM You don't need to be bitter in speaking to him. Be pragmatic. You are an adult in your own right.

Get yourself some counselling, OP. It's hard being the daughter of an alcoholic father. Usually we have had to grow up too quickly, to accommodate various emotional needs, and to provide support when we should have been receiving it. My childhood was over too quickly, I lived in terror. Real terror. Recently I realised I could continue to live in terror, or I could ask "What am I afraid of?" Why am I scared of that slurry voice at 10 am?!! He should be scared of me - or of himself.

For me, the time has come to snap it completely. The slurring words was last week. This week, he was unavailable. It's hard to have a normal father-daughter relationship with someone who is so unavailable.

I'm sorry if this is not what you want to hear, but in reply to your questions: enforce boundaries, be strong, and accept that he will probably never change. But what works today in managing your father, may not work tomorrow. Keeping him away for this year in order to save your marriage, is ok. It might change next year. Take it as it comes.

STAY STRONG.

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