Should I be worried about a glass of wine? He denies he ever had a problem.(2 Posts)
I am very happy I have found this thread.
A bit of pre-history.
When I met my OH, he had a very good life. Traveling, having disposable income... With that came consumption of alcohol. In the beginning it did not alert me (we were not still living together). But, bottle during lunchtime, a bottle of champagne during our dinner date, following a bottle of red... Some more when we came home/hotel. I though, we are dating - having a good time, so probably ok. And, to be honest, I enjoyed the alcohol too. But I never had a problem.
After some time, I got to know, that when he was on his own, without me, he also had a LOT of alcohol. Drinking started after soon after 12. He rarely got really drunk (as in can't remember what happened the next day). He just slowly consumed 2-3 bottle of wine EVERY day, till the moment he was in bed.
That started way before I have met him.
He never thought himself an alcoholic. As sometimes he was able to stop for a month. Then go back to the same pattern again. He had a good job. Comfortable life. SO why not enjoy a glass of wine (or a bottle, or two).
First time I realized he might have a problem, was when we went on a trip, and first thing in the morning, when he woke up, he went straight to the mini bar and had a cheap wine from there.
For me it was a kind of a bell...
It was always wine or bubbles, never heavier stuff.
Then we moved in together. And drinking continued. Every DAY. A bottle or two.
I noticed how it changes him. Asked him to at least have a few days a week when we don't drink. Ir have alcohol during the weekend.
He was NEVER able to. Maybe one day... But the next day it all started again.
During our first 2 years together, we had a LOT of problems. He was going through a very difficult custody battle and divorce.
I was not an angel myself, and I lied. And flirted with other men still.
Later he blamed me that my behavior was the biggest reason he was drinking. BUT, now I know he DRANK like that WAY before he met me.
Why I stayed? I love him. Despite alcohol.
Then it got out of control. He lost his job, problems with ex, no new job. Me working like hell trying to support us. Financial problems. He lost it all.
Drinking was bad. I worked 16-18 hours day, every day, and guess, had ignored it.
Few times he got so drink he could not remember what he is doing. Few times he drove car being drunk. Irrational behavior. Being violent towards me - never remembering it afterwards (I could NEVER hurt you!)
Still, never admitting he had a problem.
Then, one day it all escalated. I told him I am leaving to stay with my mum for a few days. As I can't stand it anymore.
He completely lost it. Drank all he could, completely demolished the flat. Had no recollection of it. Smashed kitchen cabinets, all dishes, lamps... For 3 days he was in a state like that.
In the end, no matter how scared I was I had to get him.
Arranged with his family a plane ticket for him and for his sister to pick him up.
He was a complete mess...
3 weeks apart and he stopped drinking. Promised it will never go back to that.
I am still not sure that even at that time he realized he IS an alcoholic.
I took him back. Yes. Still loved him. And wanted to help. As he wanted help.
He stopped drinking. Nothing. Not a single drink.
I got pregnant. I thought - it all will be good now. It is a sign.
He still didn't drink. He kept his promise and we have never been happier.
Once when we were out on a date, he had a glass of wine. But just a glass. It did not continue. He said, he can drink responsibly. Once in a while a glass of wine. And that is it.
I am 17 weeks pregnant now. Yesterday was hard. He came home and said he needed a glass a wine. He wanted one.
I freaked out. Not because of him having a glass of wine (we made a deal, that if there is a BIG celebration, maybe a glass of champagne is ok, or if we have a date, a glass of wine to compliment a steak is ok too).
But the REASON behind it. Being NO reason.
I got very upset. It freaks me out.
He says I am over reacting and he is not an alcoholic, he is not addicted, he never wants to go back to where he was. He promises me it is not going to become a bottle a day.
That he is not addicted to it. Never was. Like with smoking he can't stop. If he doesn't have a cigarette, he suffers, as soon as he has, all is back to normal again.
But he is not an alcoholic, he says.
YET he forgets, that during those 3 weeks apart, first week was bad for him. Night sweats, not being able to sleep (I remember it now). Shaking.
That was an addiction?! And with alcohol once there is an addiction it is always there?
I am still upset about it.
I think he IS an alcoholic. There is no past tense for alcoholic. You can't say "I had a drinking problem, or I was an alcoholic". Once it was there, it always will be there?
Is a glass of wine EVER ok? Or is it a road back to hell? Slow but sure?
Or can an alcoholic have a glass of wine and keep to that?
PS: I am completely drink free. Even before I got pregnant. Do I occasionally want a glass of wine? As hell I do. But I never have one.
Am I right to be upset?
Yes he's an alcoholic. And there will never, ever be 'just the one'. He needs to stop completely and accept that he cannot drink again. If he does, it won't be a slow decline back to two bottles a day, it will happen within weeks.
Sorry. I don't know where you go from here. But don't think he will change until he accepts that he has a problem.
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