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Here are some suggested organisations that offer expert advice on adoption.

son has found birth mother

(9 Posts)
Paleodad Fri 02-Oct-09 15:52:00

I was hoping that someone out there would have some advice or would want to share their feelings about how the adoptive mother feels when their child finds their birth mother.

This has recently happened to my mother and she is feeling jealous of the birth mother, rejected by her son and also let down and betrayed by him. she understands that this is totally illogical, but it is how she feels.

She doesnt understand why she is feeling like as she has an excellent relationship with her son and always has. He has never rejected her but she feels that he may do so if a relationship with his birth mother happens. He is looking for connections to his birth mother and saying his personality traits are nature rather than nurture, and unintentionally this is making my mother feel rejected and extremely insecure. She would never tell him how she feels because she doesnt want to hurt him. But at the same time he wants to talk to her about it and even wants her to write a letter to his birth mother thanking her for giving him up.

Talking to her son is not an option, but does anyone have similar experiences or advice and is there any helplines anyone knows of where my mother could talk about this, she is feeling very upset and needs to get some prspective.

(Have posted this without abbreviations so my mom can read it easier)

KristinaM Fri 02-Oct-09 18:53:33

hi paleo

reunions are always so complicated, no wonder your mother is feeling so upset and confused. i think its completely normal and OK for her to feel the way she does.

you asked about helplines. can i just check, does your mother live in the UK? Obviously the resources available depend on where she lives

I'm a little confused - is this yourself you are talking about or your brother? How old is he/are you?

you said that your mother and her son have an excellent relationship yet talking to each other is not an option. Why is this?

sorry for all the questions smile

maryz Fri 02-Oct-09 22:14:13

Hi, I can't give any direct advice as to how your mum should handle this. But I thought I would just share the situation we are in, as it might put things in perspective.

We have two adopted children. dd (younger) has a very involved birth family - we write to them, her birth mother writes to us (through the adoption agency). I know that the day she reaches 18 her mother and extended family will want to meet her and I am sure she will want to meet them. Sometimes I am scared about what will happen next and afraid I will lose her.

ds, on the other hand, has had no contact with his birth mother since she left him in hospital at 3 days old. She didn't visit him, she was reluctant to sign forms and she hasn't picked up any information we have sent for her. She also didn't respond when we tried to initiate contact due to a fairly urgent medical matter.

ds is very angry about being adopted, and always says when he is 18 he will look for his birth family. I know there is no information about them, no address, no way of him contacting them. He is going to face a huge rejection in a couple of years and I cannot protect him from that.

So, while my children contacting their families is scary, the prospect of them not being able to is even more scary. I want their happiness, and if my relationship with them is good enough it will survive any other family they will meet.

Sorry, this is a bit long.

NanaNina Sat 03-Oct-09 08:39:38

Paleodad - I have no direct experience but have been a s.w. involved in adoption for many years. I am so sorry that your mom is going through this and I can well imagine (as a mother) how she must feel -perfectly natural and "human" emotions. It does sound as though your brother is going a "little over the top" in his request that your mom writes to thank the birth mother for giving him up. He is clearly wanting to forgive his birth mother and wanting your mom to underline this by giving her own forgiveness. It is a very complicated and emotional time for all concerned and will raise all sorts of feelings and worries.

It would be best if your mom (sorry I know she is your brother'smom as well) but this is a shorthand, could try to remain calm and rational in relation to your brother, and omehow try to deal with her feelings with others. Could she somehow perceive having to deal with this in a good way for your brother as part of being a mom.......you know, making sacrifices for your kids kind of idea. Just a thought.

It sounds like it is early days for the reunion of your brother andhis birth mom and things may settle down over time. Sometimes things don't work out as planned and it may be that your brother will need your mom's support in coming to terms with feelings he may have about his birth mom as their relationship progresses. Would it be possible for you to gently suggest to your brother that your mom wants what is best for him but is feeling a bit insecure and maybe he could just re-assure her that she is still important to him. As he has clearly received unconditional love from your mom it just may not have occurred to him in all the excitement of tracinghis birth mom, that she is feeling like this. Kids take parents for granted, especially when they are well loved.

However I think your mom could best be helped by getting in touch with others in a similar situation. She could start by googling "Adoption UK" who may be able to put her in touch with specific support for adopted parents in her situation. There are aa growing number of adoption support groups around the country who deal with the "Adoption Triangle" - birth parents, adopted children and adoptive parents and I am sure she will find the support that she needs. Your mom really needs to be able to talk about her feelings and to know that others feel exactly as she does.

I do hope that over time your family will settle down and all will be well.

bedlambeast Sat 03-Oct-09 17:59:22

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bedlambeast Sat 03-Oct-09 18:00:30

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Divawithattitude Sun 04-Oct-09 12:09:23

I was adopted and waited until my adopted mother died before finding my birth mother as I felt she would react in this way.

Perhaps your mother is only seeing it from her prespective and not from that of your brother.

I always felt that I was like a jigsaw with bits missing, and although I had managed to find bits that almost fit it was not quite the same. Asked about my medical history or time of birth for instance, so being able to fit in the rest of my jigsaw was very important to me.

Also she may imagine that he is looking for another mother, well in my case that is certainly not true, birth mother is a lovely lady and I am fond of her but will never feel for her the love I felt for my 'mum', the wonderful mother who was there for me as I grew up. We have intermittant contact now 5 years on, exchange cards at birthdays and Christmas but that is the extent of the relationship. what has become more important is the relationship I have with my half sisters.

Paleodad Tue 06-Oct-09 09:56:59

Thank you so much everyone for sharing your experiences and advice. sorry i was so long replying but we were away for the weekend. my mom has read through this thread and she feels alot better and less isolated in terms of her emotions.

to answer some questions,
my mom is living in the uk,

its is my brother i am talking about i am not adopted he is 35 and i am 33. (can see confusion my crappy writing style ).

she doesnt want to talk to my brother because at the moment she thinks she might say something she regrets and hurts him.

as an update she has told my brother she doesnt want to write a letter as she feels it is inappropriate and his experience not hers. he is fine about this. she is also going to do some googling and get some support.

my brother is feeling very positive about this contact with his birth mom and i am hopefully there to support him through it. i worry it will hurt him , he is such a wonderful person and sees the best in everyone.

thanks again

rieann Tue 13-Oct-09 14:13:50

A Mother from the 1960's era baby scoop:

"It didn't matter whether signed the relinquishment papers, we were going to lose our children, one way or another. We were a targeted population. If we didn't sign our babies would still have been taken, involuntarily, thru court termination - and possibly with criminal penalites for us. If we did sign, they would be taken. Same result, different legal processes."

"The reason I mention the 'signing' so much is because I meet so many mothers who feel guilty for signing and they think if they didn't sign they could have kept their children."

"The truth is, it didn't matter whether we signed. In some ways it was like rape. you could fight, but the man would probably overpower you, and he could easily threaten you. If you stopped fighting him, you weren't 'giving in" or "going along with it". You were being raped. The legal defintion of rape includes threats of harm and force. Only the threat has to exist, for it to be considered "non-consensual sex" or "rape'."

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