How many miscarriages before adoption?

[ozbride]

Hi, I know this is a personal question but how many miscarriages have people went through before adopting?

I've only being ttc for a year but I have had four miscarriages. I am waiting on appt with specialists now before trying again - I expect this to be Xmas time.

I have been thinking lots about adopting recently and I am wondering how much more heartache I will put myself through before deciding enough is enough. I also don't want to get too much older before starting a family. My husband and I have so much love to share with a child.

What are your experiences/thoughts? Thanks x

[FickleFairy]

Hi ozbride,

I don't think you can put a number on it, think you have to be sure you are ready to adopt and whether that means exhausting all opportunities for a birth child or just that you get to the stage where you feel adoption is right for you then that is the time.

My friend has recently adopted and it was two years of trauma and heartache and frustration, although totally worth it in the end, I think sometimes it is seen as an easier alternative and it certainly didn't seem to be. It's not all over once the baby is handed to you, you have to deal with it for the rest of your lives in many different ways. I was quite amazed by what they have to continue to do to be honest.

Our other friend saw what she was going through and decided that although she was having ivf to get pregnant (she has since had her little one) that under no circumstances would she go through the adoption process as it was too intrusive and pressurised.

That said, my friend is preparing to put herself through it all again when the time is right.

I think adoption is an amazing thing, and can bring so much joy, but think it is important you are prepared for it and you get over (as much as you can) this traumatic period of your life.

Sending you lots of good wishes.

[ZippysMum]

Great post, Fairy.

I think it is all about you and DP/DH and how much more TTC you feel you can take. Then the time to move on and make decisions about how / whether to build your family in other ways.

A book I found really helpful when TTC was 'Sweet Grapes' here

I am sure people will be along with great advice soon.

Best of luck whatever you decide.

[FickleFairy]

Thanks ZippysMum

[jenny60]

I'm really sorry about the miscarriages. I have ben there and know they are heart breaking. We first tried to adopt after bc was born as I had had the most awful pregnancy, but were told to come back when he was much older. As it turned out, I went on to have 3 miscarriages, one very late and decided not to put us all through it again. But we are different because we always, even before bc was born, wanted to adopt. It's a very personal thing. If you look at the Adoption Uk message boards you will see that people decide if and when to adopt at very different times and for different reasons. Some can have bc but want to adopt, some can't have biological children and some have a mixture of the two. There is no right time, but if you do decide, SS will make sure that you have had time to grieve and have decided for sure not to keep TTC. How old are you? J

[Minismama]

jenny60, could you email me to [email protected]
I would really appreciate it if I could ask you some questions.
We were (are) in a similar position as in always wanted to adopt, had a biological child over two years ago and still want to adopt but are getting nowhere because we have a daughter!

[normanthehairdresser]

We had 6 miscarriages over 3 years including a very late loss.

We adopted our beautiful son almost 2 years ago. He is now 3 and a bit and the light of our lives. Couldn't have made a better decision.

For us it was about feeling we had explored enough of the options to be at peace with the idea of not having biological children. That must be a personal decision which is different for everyone, but I would always say it's important to give it time to be as sure as possible.

It sounds as if like us you conceive fairly readily. I think the one thing to bear in mind is that you will probably have to make an active decision not to get pregnant, whereas people who've had IVF can sometimes not use contraception and have the 'maybe' in the back of their minds.

Very happy to answer any questions that would help. IOf it makes you feel that there is light at the end of the tunnel (which I know is very long and dark and horrible), our son is the most gorgeous little boy in the world and I wonder on a regular basis what we did to deserve him

[BeckyNW]

Wow Normanthehairdresser, what an inspiring post!

We started TTC very late (I was 38 and a half) after a lot of years thinking we were happy to be child free forever. 18 months and 2 miscarriages later, we are still holding a candle for a biological child but have started enquiring about adoption.

I would like a family but I can't imagine cutting off the possibility of conceiving in favour of adoption. I wish someone was able to tell me that we'll never be able to have biological children, then maybe I could commit properly to the idea of adoption.

So I share your dilemma ozbride - I don't want to wait too much longer, but equally I don't want to ruin an adoption with nagging doubts of "what if" we had just tried to conceive for one more month. Tough decisions indeed.

[conserveisposhforjam]

This is a zombie post. Just so we know.

But we're nice here in Adoption so please do start a thread and ask any questions you have