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Baby Blues???!

(9 Posts)
captaincogsworth Wed 01-Jul-09 20:22:24

Just wondered. Does the emotional 'baby blues' type effect kick in shortly after adoption? Loving being a Mum but feeling very weepy this evening. . .

TEJQ Wed 01-Jul-09 20:40:24

Yes, its incredibly common. The term 'post-adoption depression' is sometimes used, but I really hate that term referring in some way to PND as PND is often hormonal not purely psychological.

It often relates to loss of old life and feeling at sea in your new life. Perhaps your long imagined expectations are not quite working out how you expected and you may sometimes feel some 'guilt' at not always loving this new person, and perhaps sometimes resenting him/her.

If you look up the Kubler-Ross stuff which talks about 'adapting to change' and the cycle of loss/grief, you will probably see that alot of it fits.

Hope your SW is sympathetic? Most experienced ones understand that this happens alot and won't berate you if you end up sobbing all over them.

Take care of yourself, talk, talk, talk about how you are feeling to your partner and any other sympathetic friends, and you will come out the other side.

BW

captaincogsworth Wed 01-Jul-09 21:04:47

Thank you. I will google Kubler-Ross.

Kewcumber Wed 01-Jul-09 21:48:53

I seem to recall that its as high as 85% of PAD affecting parents to some degree. In my case it was a combonation of the anticlimax after such a long road to get there, finding that there wasn't an instant surge of love for this new child and being anxious that it would never come, and the (normal) feeling of being completely overwhelmed by the unrelenting nature of a small child and feeling that I would never be without the heavy responsibility I felt for DS.

In my case it lasted (to varying degrees) for about 2 months and then gradually got better somehow without me even noticing!

captaincogsworth Thu 02-Jul-09 19:27:11

It's such a comfort to know that I am reasonably normal!!

We had a much easier, more relaxed day today and everything seems better again but now I won't worry if the tears come again.

I think you're right about the massively long build up Kewcumber. I'm sure that's a huge factor. We've been ttc for nearly 10 years with a tradegy in that time so to actually have our little family has been a long time coming.
Thank you.

bran Thu 02-Jul-09 19:55:59

Yes, definitely quite common I think. I found it to be very similar to culture shock that I got when I moved to a new country. I used to even get stressed out by little things like worrying I would mis-count the measures of formula for his bottles.

I think it's because it's all new and so much effort. It takes a while before you start doing the routine stuff on auto-pilot, once that happens you'll be less overwhelmed by it all.

I don't know how old your new DC is but it'll take time for you both to adapt, to get to know each other's personality and preferences. Eventually you'll get into step with each other and things will flow much more easily.

Congratulations. grin

misspollysdolly Fri 03-Jul-09 07:31:16

Really feel for you captian -you are SO not alone! I cried for at least a month after DD moved in - it did feel like a big anit-climax after all the preparation we'd done, plus I was totally shocked by my lack of immediate love for my daughter and furthermore by a certain sense of hostility that she was so full-on and not at all appreciative of the huge whirlwind she was driving through our lives and our home (duh! hmm I now think!!).

That month of crying did become a depression of some sort (have only read about PAD since, but it seems to fit) whichh was a pretty dark time for us all (DH was a star, but it was a strain sad) and it took six months until I returned to work and gained not only some normality in our lives, but also a sense of who is still was before I felt a bit better, and longer still to really recover further. I do think my reaction was fairly extreme, but I also know it was a pretty full-on and unpleasant time, and needless to say we did settle and the placement worked out for us all. DD has been with us over 6 years now. smile I have since had two birth DSs and both times had a very short time of baby blues (totally panicking - especially after DS1 - that I was descending to the depths again) but this was limited to a few days.

Hang on in there. My only advice is that which I would give to any new mums now - birth or adoptive - indulge yourself in a good weep when you feel it coming (recognise it is a response to the slightly overwhelming place you are currently within), do nice things for yourself, don't stop talking to your partner, and do wave and shout unashamedly if you feeling like you are drowning. Oh, and keep mumsnetting!

Congratulations on your new family wink!

captaincogsworth Sat 04-Jul-09 21:37:14

Thank you for being so honest about your experience misspollys. We have adopted a 3yo and a 1yo so I guess pretty full on stuff! Fortunately they are sleeping well so most days are okay. I was just so surprised that I was so weepy.
I did feel bad though that I felt like I was baby sitting rather than they were my own. I guess everyone automatically assumes that you will instantly fall in love with them but it is all such a shock even when you feel totally ready for it.

I will definitely keep Mumsnetting. I am an old VERY regular but had a long gap away and a bit of a name overhaul!!

Thanks.

blithedance Sun 05-Jul-09 00:35:53

I remember that babysitting feeling - you do get the sense of belonging together but it creeps up on you over time. TBH I think that's how it should be, (icky sentimentality coming up) love needs to put down roots before it can grow out in the open.

It's normal to be in culture shock for a while but be assured does get better!

Congratulations too smile

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