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Adoption dilemma

(5 Posts)
CallyR Mon 29-Jun-09 20:50:13

I was adopted in 1972 and have always known about it. Last year after having DS, I decided to get a copy of my adoption file and answer a few questions. I had no intention of contacting them at that point.

After I got the file, I went a bit mad on the internet and have found out loads. They (my birth parents) are married, have a daughter and a son and live just a couple of miles from where I grew up and my parents still live. My 'sister' has her own business and website and my 'brother' is on facebook. I have seen recent photos of them all at my sister's wedding as her entire life appears to be on the internet.

It has been a year since I found this all out and I still cannot make my mind up whether to contact them or not. I feel like a stalker, I know loads about them - even where my parents live. I could be there in less than an hour if I wanted to.

I have no idea what, if any, relationship I would want with any of them. They are not, after all, my family. They are not the people I have spent the last 36 years with. I might not even like them! They are just people I am related to. I think about it every day though and cannot seem to close the book so to speak.

I have gone through a hundred different scenarios in my head. I don't want to upset anyone and yet that is no reason to avoid contact is it? The other thing is my own children, what will they think of me when they are older and explain it to them but try to explain why I didn't take this futher? Do they have any right to know more?

It's really starting to do my head in and I don't know what to do. Help!

manitz Mon 29-Jun-09 21:20:53

Could you go through an agency and keep your address etc private? arrange to meet somewhere public. I imagine they would understand that you're not going to immediately be a sister/daughter and you could take it really slow. By keeping your adress secret you would then be able to withdraw if it turns out they are a nightmare.

I always thought it was really sad that my aunt's sister died before looking for her son who she gave up for adoption when she was sixteen. I felt she cheated him twice of the mother she could have been or at least of him knowing who she was and what she was like. If he ever comes lookign he'll find photos and other people's memories.

Are you worried that your family may be hurt or feel rejected by you if you contact your birth mum? I guess that's the main reason not to for most people and I think that could be really difficult. Perhaps you could get your mum on your side by confiding in her and asking for her help/advice so she is included. You could be very honest about your motives so she is aware that you aren't trying to replace her. My mum knows me really well and can often help me get to the bottom of my motives.

Sorry Im not adopted so am coming from a point of total ignorance here just a few suggestions

chegirl Mon 29-Jun-09 21:27:49

Hi,

I am an adoptive mum. My son will always know about his birth family (mums side) as we are already related.

I think it might be a good idea to talk your feelings through with www.norcap.org.uk or www.afteradoption.org.uk

This is such a huge thing to deal with on your own.

I wish you luck

CallyR Tue 30-Jun-09 16:27:38

Thanks. I think professional help may be the way forward - not something I've had to do before but I just keep going round and round in circles!

bedlambeast Thu 02-Jul-09 19:11:03

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