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After finding my birth mother, phone call today said she doesn't want to know

(33 Posts)
jofeb04 Tue 20-Jan-09 15:38:40

Some of you are aware of my search for my biological mother. After recieving a letter from her, my social worker wrote to her saying I would like contact a couple of months ago. After no response, social worker rang her today.

So, Social worker rang me earlier this afternoon and my birth mother wants no contact at present. BM said she is a different person to who she was before and that she is well and fit.

Now, this is sort of what I was expecting, but my emotions are all over the place at present.

Just wanted to write it all down I suppose.

Social Worker also asked her who my biological father, and she would not say, so not only am I missing out on some sort of relationship with my bm, but also my bfather, and his children.

Cammelia Tue 20-Jan-09 15:41:43

Sorry to hear this, you must be devastated.

jofeb04 Tue 20-Jan-09 15:46:58

TBH, I don't know how I feel. Upset that I may never know why....happy that I do not have to worry about her wanting a bigger relationship than I do.

KewcumbersRoastingOnAnOpenFire Tue 20-Jan-09 15:58:36

I can imagine (sort of) that this is a confusing time for you . The only solace I take from not being able to trace DS's birth mohter is that he will grow up knowing that we have no way of tracing her and will therefore not have to deal with the potential issues of contact, so I can see what you mean about the relief of not having to deal with her.

Obviously you may have to accept that this is it ans all you are likely to get from her but equally (just to throw a sopanner in the works) it is probably a shock and she may reconsider on reflection.

You may want to consider writing down a list of questions you have and asking the social worker if you would agree to pass them on, accepting that you may not get answers.

jofeb04 Tue 20-Jan-09 16:36:54

Thanks Kew, the social worker did mention that as bm has her details, there is always a chance over time that bm may get in contact with her.

Just talked it through with my dh (been in meetings all day!), so feel much much calmer now.

NewAmazingBeginning Tue 20-Jan-09 16:48:25

I feel sorry that your BM doesn't want any contact with you atm but angry she is denying your BF the choice and you the chance for a relationship.

TotalChaos Tue 20-Jan-09 16:50:01

very sorry, this must be most disappointing.

FairLadyRantALot Tue 20-Jan-09 16:53:01

so sorry to hear that! It must be devastating for you sad
not sure what to say really, sorry!

jofeb04 Tue 20-Jan-09 16:55:51

Thanks for the support.

I suppose I do feel like I am missing out on even knowing my birth fathers name (conception from an affair), but part of me thinks that he wouldn't want to know either.

Anyway, my dc have both come up to me for a hug, and I'm starting to think that no matter what happens with my biological parents, I'll always have my mum, dad, dh and my dc to fall back on!

Expecting the next couple of weeks to be a bit of an emotional rollercoaster though.

FriarKewcumber Tue 20-Jan-09 16:58:54

thats becasue you are missing out not knowing who your birth father is and the circumstances. You have no idea whether he would be interested in contact or not.

Everyone deserves to know their biological origins. Its sad that isn't always possible. It hurts me deeply that I will never be able to provide DS with this information so I can identify with your feeling if only one step removed.

I'm glad your family are supporting you.

NewAmazingBeginning Tue 20-Jan-09 17:15:14

You have noi dea how your father would feel.

I think you have to try very hard to get your BM to tell you who he is, she hasn't got the right to keep it from you imo.

KristinaM Wed 21-Jan-09 14:18:13

I'm sorry jofeb. something similar happened to me and it was very upsetting. eventually my BM did agree to give me some information but it was years later

i think some people just deal with it by pretending it never happened and they simply can't think of it from your point of view. Its just part of their distant past they want to forget about IYSWIM. they cant see its not that simple for you sad

jofeb04 Wed 21-Jan-09 16:11:54

Feel a little better today, but can feel myself getting angry about it though which I am not too happy about.

Thanks KristinaM, I think thats what I think

jabberwocky Wed 21-Jan-09 16:18:22

jofeb, I'm so sorry. I had missed the part that you were going through this. She is probably coming from a place where she is still fearful of judgment over giving up a child but that still does not make it a good decision on her part. Particularly in not giving you information about your bfather

jofeb04 Wed 21-Jan-09 16:20:26

Thanks, all she said to the Social Worker was that she is not the same person that she used to be.

So, so emotional over all of this. One minute I am angry with her, next minute I feel sorry for her, and then I think I will never know my biological father or his children.

KristinaM Wed 21-Jan-09 16:34:20

its ok to feel angry

NewAppallingBeginning Wed 21-Jan-09 17:58:49

Your BM needs to realise that your need to know is massive and however you were conceived (maybe he was married) you will not be angry with her but you do feel anger that she is denying you your right to even know your BF's name.

shubiedoo Wed 21-Jan-09 18:01:57

Yes, I agree it's not on that she's keeping that information from you. She could easily just tell the social worker his name. Ask the sw for advice about it.

InspectorGadget Wed 21-Jan-09 22:16:01

Aw jofeb I am so sorry for you. I have been there myself, some 15 years ago now and she has never made any attempt to contact me.

There are so very many reasons that she may not want contact at the moment, but she may change her mind given some time and space.

The trouble is that adoption was such a closed book in those days. BM's were told it would all be in the past and they could move on with their lives unaffected by what would otherwise have been a shameful and terrible thing. There was no effective way for them to traced and for many it was a closed chapter, away out of sight and mind, only to be thought of as a time of terrible pain.

I can totally see why my BM doesn't want to know about me, but my goodness it does not make the pain go away. I don't blame her, I blame the system which took away MY choices to know about my genetic heritage, something which IMO I have an absolute right to.

Take care of yourself and take comfort in those around you. xx

superfrenchie1 Wed 21-Jan-09 22:32:21

jofeb can you write your BM a letter and ask your social worker to pass it on, explaining that you respect her decision, but that you feel that you would still like to find out something about your BF...? and if she wants to contact you she can do it in writing, or pass this letter on to your BF if she has any contact, or give your social worker some details about him. And that you would welcome any contact from her at any stage if she reconsiders (if indeed that is true). or has this already happened?

all the best anyway and glad your family are supporting you xx

jofeb04 Thu 22-Jan-09 18:30:21

Thanks for the support, I knew I would get some on here (none of my RL friends know I am searching).

InspectorGadget, similar to you, I don't blame my birth mum, I can't; she was young, I was from an affair (married man) and that was 27years ago.

But, I do feel I am missing out on something... what, I don't know .... just something.

Sorry I may not be talking much sense at present, just finding it hard at times.

jabberwocky Thu 22-Jan-09 20:08:03

Perhaps you could have the social worker chat with her as to the importance of knowing your health history? Maybe that would soften her as to telling who the bfather is.

FriarKewcumber Thu 22-Jan-09 20:32:24

well you are aren't you... missing out I mean. You don't now anything much about your biologocial parents and most people do. I know that botheres some people more than others but I think thats down to your own personality - blame your genes! Its one or both of your birth parents ancestors hwo have probably passed on to you the need to know that you have!

I can't pretend to know how that feels but I do know how it feels never to bear a child and how I feel about that. And I know there really isn;t anyway of "overcoming" those feelings. You eventually accept that that is the way it is and sooner or later that difference is absorbed into your personna and becomes neither good nor bad just a part of who you are.

Not a satisfying answer I know and you still need time to grieve for the fact that you may never get the answers you want (if its not too poncey to say that), but eventually even quite tragic things in your life can become the new norm.

InspectorGadget Fri 23-Jan-09 01:30:17

Kewcumber you are so insightful, your posts on the various different adoption threads are always so sensible and honest.

You are of course quite right, there are some things in life which seem very cruel and feel like things that you ^shouldn't have to^ deal with or come to terms with. But life is shit for lots of people in lots of different ways, as adults we have a duty to ourselves to deal with our shit and try to be a better person for it.

There is nothing I can do to change the fact that my BM will not acknowledge me, and whilst it hurts me greatly I must respect her choices in life, even if I don't agree with them.

I don't think it affects my day to day life much at all but it is something which does define me in many ways. Its part of my me-ness if that makes any sense.

A while ago a friend lent me a relaxation CD as I was going through a terrible patch of insomnia, and it gave me a huge insight into the way I feel. Basically the first part of the CD involved lots of visualisation in 'grounding yourself' before the other relaxation techniques could be used. The visualisation was that you were standing in a forest feeling all at one with nature and the trees, and vast white lightening bolts come out of your feet and form your roots, burrowing into the earth and 'grounding' you making you feel totally attached and secure. Except in my visualisation the thick white roots kept breaking off and then I would fall over. I kept rewinding and listening to it again and again, really concentrating on the image but try as I might I fell over every time.

This is when I realised just how deeply I feel that lack of belonging, the lack of roots, lack of security, lack of connection to the universe. It doesn't affect my day to day life but it IS there. In the background, all the time.

It is part of me, I cannot change it and whilst it sometimes makes me sad, I cannot afford to let it rule my life or the way I live it.

Am aware that am rambling and am not even sure why I am telling you all this except that to hope that whatever happens you can be at peace with your own you-ness.

Love. x

FriarKewcumber Fri 23-Jan-09 10:18:15

Don;t get me wrong - I really don;t think you need to be in any great hurry to "get over" your feelings. I think there is too much made of society trying to make adoptees feel "lucky".

Its the only comment I don't allow people to get away with as regards DS (and it used to be said often) "ooh he's so lucky" "No, lucky would have been growing up with his birth family in safety and prosperity". Of course his adoption has been a huge source of joy to me but I am keenly aware that it came at the cost of a great loss to him. I can only comfort myself that his loss would have existed whether I had come along and adopted him or not.

As regards roots - I'm a great one for understanding my origins so I think I would feel very much as you do had I been adopted. Would it help you to think of your roots in a more complex way - shorter, thicker, denser ones representing your adoptive family who after all do ground you and give you a stable base and much longer thinner semi-transparent ones to represent your brith ancestors becasue you do have hundreds and thousands of years of birth nacestors who created a part of what you are now. Many people know no further back than one generation and their genetic make-up and roots are generally a great deal more complex than that. I'm sure what I'm trying to say really!

Many people never really reach that feeling of "grounded-ness" and securaity or take many years to get there - adopted or not, so I think that anyone who was adopted getting there even partly is a source of great admiration for me.

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