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I have my birth mothers details and think ive found her but am unsure about how to approach it

(15 Posts)
suzzus Fri 26-Sep-08 22:46:09

HI im new to this site and really just want some advice or someone who has maybe gone through a similar situation to tell me their thoughts. Im 21 and recently found my birth mums name through some internet research and a popular social network site think i may have found her. Im thinking of getting in touch and making contact but am unsure what to say and how to go about it. Also wether or not it is extremely selfish to do knowing it would devestate my mum, dad and extended family.

hester Sat 27-Sep-08 00:03:31

Hi suzzus, I've not been in your situation so I don't have any useful advice to give, just one suggestion: have you considered doing this through the post-adoption service? (My understanding is that every local authority has one). They can help you with the contact, as well as helping you think through the pros and cons.

You say you know it would devastate your family: have they told you that? Have you ever discussed this with them?

HRHSaintMamazon Sat 27-Sep-08 00:06:22

not been in your situation either but i think youhave every right to want to get in touch with your birth mother.

It may be a little upsetting to your family but i am sure they will understand your reasons for wanting to get in touch with her.

Do you have any information as to the details of your adoption? were you given up at birth/removed?
that may help you decide the best way of going about making contact

GinghamRibbon Sat 27-Sep-08 00:10:32

I have been in your situation and left it until my Mum died.

All I can say is be prepared for a very horrible shock. My birth mother had died but I found my birth father and it was so disappointing.

You have all of these feelings coursing through your veins but they very rarely end up happy.

What was your family life like if you don't mind me asking. Mine was great so I wasn't looking for another family.

GinghamRibbon Sat 27-Sep-08 00:18:19

Sorry I didn't word that very well.

You shouldn't be prepared for a horrible shock at all. I got one. You might not. I was devastated to find out that my BM had been murdered when I was 6, so I wasn't going to meet her anyway. The plus side is you may meet family that you didn't know you had.

To be honest, I wouldn't recommend it but every adopted child 'needs to know'. So far I have found out that the people who adopted you were fab parents and the 'others' really are not worth it. I have researched this through comittees etc.

KristinaM Sat 27-Sep-08 12:43:31

hi suzzus, i searched for my birth mother when i was in my 20s and eventually made contact with her. it was very hard and i wasn't prepared for what happened. afterwards i found out that i coudl have used an intermediary service and i wish i had done so.

it shoudl be free to use and they will go at the speed you want.they woudl help with what to say and how to contact her

you coudl also talk to a counsellor about whether or not / how / when you wish to discuss this with yoru adoptive family.

have you seen you adoption file ? You have the right to do so and it woudl give you a little background information

hsanders Sun 28-Sep-08 23:15:22

Hi suzzus,

You're embarking on a massive journey that no doubt you've thought about over and over all your life.

I contacted my birth mother without telling my husband (waited until he'd gone out one night, then drank a bottle of wine to drudge up some dutch courage). If I'd told my husband, he would have stopped me and told me to be reasonable and more clam in my approach. I'd found two phone numbers and called both - only to get voicemail but the same voice on both. So drank a bit more and then called the home number again and o and behold, I said, 'urm, hello, I am looking for X' and she said 'you were born in Southampton weren't you?'

Now that was the good bit - we spoke and cried and spoke a bit more, both relieved to have fit a piece of the jigsaw into place.

HOWEVER....I was 22 and looking back on it now, it could have gone very differently. If I were to be in that position again, I would have asked my husband to write to her with some photos and then left it up to her to make contact. My reason behind this is because I did not know her situation, who she had told, whether she was okay, alive, etc.

So my advice, based on my experience years ago, is ask someone you know, or an intermediary to write to your birth mother.

Good luck and do get in touch if you'd like some more help or just a chat.


hsanders Sun 28-Sep-08 23:17:55

PS. It's not selfish to want to do this. It's only normal to feel like it could be selfish, and after all your parents and family are exactly that. I did not tell my adoptive parents or brother and sister (also adopted but from different families) but they do know now (cannot remember how or when I told them?!)

EachPeachPearMum Sun 28-Sep-08 23:22:04

Hi suzzus- good luck whatever you decide.

A relation of mine was at 17 basically made to give up her child for adoption. She never stops thinking about him, hoping he is alright, and having a good life. She misses him every day, and prays he will contact her, though he hasn't yet (he would be 24 now).

Have you asked your mum and dad how they would feel about you making contact? I'm sure they have discussed it between themselves many times over the years.

solidgoldbrass Sun 28-Sep-08 23:22:53

Definitely get in touch with one of teh organisations set up to help with this sort of thing. It has to be done in baby steps and they will hold your hand all the way.
Everyone who was adopted feels different about this: I am nearly 44 and have never traced my biofamily - I get so far and no further so I think I simply don't want to know... However you feel is how you feel, it's not bad or wrong.

suzzus Wed 01-Oct-08 22:10:59

Thanks so much to everyone who has left advise and tips i really appreciate it all. It has all been so helpful and i feel a lot more secure in making a decision.

Lenlen Fri 03-Oct-08 09:36:40

There's no problem i guess with tracing one's roots. Just be prepared though for the consequences. Good luck!

hollyhorse Sun 19-Oct-08 19:23:42

Which organisations are usefull?

roisin Sun 19-Oct-08 19:48:35


Divawithattitude Sun 19-Oct-08 20:29:39

I too have been in your position and have some advice to give, write to her, don't give your address, ask a friend to accept a reply on your behalf, give a mobile number if you want to, don't expect an immediate reply, it will be a shock to her even though she has probably imagined this happening every day since you turned 18.

Talk to your family and try and explain why you feel that you need to do this, I used the analogy that it was like a jigsaw with a bit missing so you can't see the complete picture, tell them how much you love them and let them know they will always be your parents.

They are probably worried about being replaced in your affections by your 'real' mother and are probably feeling very vulnerable, particularly your mum, who may well feel that she has failed you in some way which has sent you off looking for your BM.

Take it slowly and don't expect to feel anything at first, I was almost disappointed that I felt nothing for this sweet little lady who appeared on my doorstep after exchanging letters for nearly a year and gradually building up to a meeting. even now I don'[t feel the love for her I feel for my adoptive family. I'm sure se wat tot be a bigger part of my life but I am happy to keep her at arms length

I have now met my two half sisters and my half brother knows about me but she still has ot told her husband about me, after 6 years.

Good Luck

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