Talk

Advanced search

Here are some suggested organisations that offer expert advice on adoption.

I've recieved information from my birth mum

(14 Posts)
jofeb04 Fri 22-Aug-08 21:13:41

As some of you are aware, I've been searching for my birth mum for a long time and have been sitting on her address for even longer.

I've been in touch with my Social Worker, who has confirmed that the address is correct, and that birth mum left a letter on my 18th with the agency which I was adopted through. OMG!

The letter basically confirms what I know, the reasons as to why I was adopted. But, it also says that she has not had any more children due to this.

Does this mean that she may want to be in my life more than I want her to be, or could it be that she regrets putting me up for adoption.

DH is in work, so unable to talk it through with him.

And, the address I have is correct as well.

mamalovesmojitos Fri 22-Aug-08 23:48:18

wow that's amazing! presume you are happy as you've been searching.

i couldn't speculate on what she could be looking for. but i wish you all the best with pursuing this.

take it slowly, maybe just through post first. it may go fabulously- my friend and her birth mum are now best of friends and her birth mum even stayed with her and family when she came to visit!

on the flipside i did not have such a postive experience when i made contact with my father. he harrassed me a bit and it all culminated with me making a report down the police station.

so get support from your dh, take it slowly and most of all good luck.

KristinaM Sat 23-Aug-08 07:23:47

hi jo

no wonder you are in a state of shock! Its all a bit overwhelming isnt it?

you asked " Does this mean that she may want to be in my life more than I want her to be, or could it be that she regrets putting me up for adoption"

either or both of these might be true. But one person wanting more of a relationship than the other can happen in any relationship, especially a reunion. Thats why you need to take this slowly and do it with teh support of soemone you trust.

many women DO regret the decision to place a child for adoption. the reasons which seemed so pressing lessen after a few years, and mots peoples circumstances change after 18 years.

women are often in new circumstances , with a different partner. the family pressures which are so acute at 20 seem less important at 40

do you mind if i ask how old you are now? Its just that I'm wondering how long ago that letter was written and about now things may have changed for your Birth Mother since then

I'm wondering if you feel a bit guilty about the information you have received. you might feel that because she gave you up and then "gave up" having any more children, that soemhow you owe her something? Even a relationhsip that you may not want?

there is no right answer, except that you don't have to decide now. what to you feel is teh next step for you and how / when you you want to take it? you have plenty time to think this over.

have you been given a copy of teh letter by your SW? Are you having some counselling? I get teh impression from your Op that you were told this over teh phone - is this correct?

Shoshe Sat 23-Aug-08 08:15:32

Oh that is so fab, at least you know hat she was always thinking of you.

Take the time to talk to DH, and get your head together about how much contact you want from her before going any further.

Good luck love.

jofeb04 Sat 23-Aug-08 14:08:02

Hiya,

Thanks all for your support.

I suppose I do feel a little guilty, that perhaps I should have a relationship with her as I am her 'only' child.

I'm 26, so she wrote it over 8years ago.

I was told over the phone and by email from my SS, got a meeting with SW in a couple of weeks.

One day I feel so positive about getting in contact, the next day not so much!

KristinaM Sat 23-Aug-08 16:52:53

I'm disappointed that your SW has been dealing with these emotional things over teh phone and not face to face - i hope you are getting good support elsewhere. it really helps to speak to soemone who knwos about these situations. Just to have somoeone who can say " oh thats totally normal - many adoptees feel like that" or " have you thought that .....might be the case? "

Its a bit like being on teh MN ante natal groups, where you can post " I might be imagineing it , but i feel this / have this pain/ etc" and you feel SO much better when another poster says " oh yes i have that too". You knwo you are not mad/weird/neurotic

regarding contact - you dont have to do anything if you dont want to. if you do wish to take things further, i woudl strongly advise the use of an intermediary. i didnt do this and it was a BAD MOVE

remember you can choose to write / email/ phone calls and not meet face to face if you dont want to

please go slowly and cautiously. although you have been thinking about this for a while, it will coem totally out of teh blue to your BM, as its so long since she left the letter

it will also be worrying your Dh a bit, just to knwo how to support you and where its all going.....

jofeb04 Thu 28-Aug-08 19:35:11

Just to keep you updated:

I've had a meeting with my SW who has given me the information. She hasn't got the origional letter, but it should be on it's way to her.

It also states why I was put up for adoption and it was the same as what I have always known. It is odd thinking that she is only 16years older than me.

SW has given me as much time as I need before she writes the letter to my birth mum. SW also said that I need at least a couple of weeks to get my brain around the idea (not in those words though!).

So, it's moving forward, very slowly which I like.

roisin Thu 28-Aug-08 19:47:58

Thanks for updating us on your progress jo.

Janni Thu 28-Aug-08 20:27:38

Do you get any sense of what her life is like now? Is she settled, working? It would help to know whether she is in a position to get to know you gently and gradually rather than knocking you off your feet with neediness. It would be good for you if your social worker could get to know her a bit first before you decide when and how to meet her.

Califrau Thu 28-Aug-08 20:35:32

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mamalovesmojitos Thu 28-Aug-08 21:12:09

good to see it's going slowly and steadily. agree with janni.

Mhamai Thu 28-Aug-08 21:17:15

Best of luck with it Jo, I gave my dd up for adoption 22 years ago, it was her birthday yesterday. I really hope she gets in touch someday. x

Mhamai Thu 28-Aug-08 21:22:19

Oh Lord I'm mistaken she was actually 21! yesterday. My other dd is 22 and will be 23 next June, dd will be 22 next August. Regardless I miss her terribly and hope some day she will get in touch.

jofeb04 Fri 29-Aug-08 08:34:14

Thanks all.

Janni, we know she is married but have no children (or none that we can find anyway).

SW will write a letter to her just asking if it is actually her which is going to be a big shock (be even bigger if it isn't her though )

From there, birth mum will only have address of SS and not mine which I can see will be for some time!

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now