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Is there a way to anonymously stop someone becoming a foster parent?

(20 Posts)
anonq Fri 16-May-08 20:41:16

I have name changed for this.

Someone I know has applied to become a foster parent. She is doing it purely for the money. She sees it as the only job that she is qualified for that will pay enough to get her out of her debts.
From experience with my DCs at her house she is precious about her nice carpets, blinds etc and always telling my toddler 'no' or 'dont touch'.
I did try to say nicely that she doesnt seem the sort that would enjoy playing hide and seek or snap and entertaining young kids all day, especially kids that need more attention through being seperated from their parents. She said no, she really couldnt be bothered with all that but she could take them to a ball pit instead or something if they needed entertaining.

Am hoping it is a whim (she has many) and that it will pass without coming to anything.

BUT if she does somehow get accepted, by saying and doing the right things at the interviews, then is there any way I can stop it without her finding out it was me????

I feel really strongly that it would be the wrong thing for the foster children, for her and also for her 14 year old son who is living at home with her. I would be very uneasy about just standing back and doing nothing.

Any advice?

Umlellala Fri 16-May-08 20:59:56

I don't know but I know how heartbreaking it was as a teacher to see some of the horrors that fostered some of the kids I teach. It was no surprise they ended up with us (in the PRU for being excluded from school)... Remember one constantly telling the girl how 'lucky she was' that she had been fostered by her and how no-one else wanted her hmm

Of course, there were lovely foster parents too (of which I hope to become one).

Janni Fri 16-May-08 21:04:20

It could well be that she will not make it through the assessment process/group training. We did the training and it was unexpectedly rigorous. You could offer to be one of her referees and that would give you the (confidential) opportunity to express your grave misgivings.

Carnival Fri 16-May-08 21:09:36

Janni, good post, a;most exactly what I was going to say.

Maybe she deserves the benefit of the doubt and may 'lighten up ' and enjoy having a child around when the time comes. Or maybe I'm just an eternal optimist

anonq Fri 16-May-08 21:16:31

She did apply once before a few years back but her son was then at a special school as he has ADHD and she was rejected on those grounds as he was not deemed suitable to be around young foster children.
He is older now, at a mainstream school and a lot improved in his behaviour according to all his specialists.
She is convinced that she will be accepted this time.

And I have known her a long long time and I really dont think she will enjoy having a child around when the time comes sad

That is a good idea about being a referee, thanks. How many referees does she need? If I offered to be one and then she got rejected would they tell her it was due to a bad reference - would it be obvious it was me?

northernrefugee39 Fri 16-May-08 21:27:29

This really resonates with me. The mum of my daughter's 10 yr old friend fosters. She's a good woman ,but not that bright, and am fairly sure they did it partly for the money. They,ve had three kids so far, atooddler who was fine and now adopted, a teenager who they couldn't cope with, and ecently, for about a year a very disturbed and sweet girl of 8.
We found it agony to see how they dealt with her, beacuse they didn't understand the disturbed patterns of behaviour she was displaying. Thir own daughter became the goody goody tell tale, and this child was a scapegoat. it was absolute agony, she soiled, destroyed things she was given etc.Her background was tragic, mother didn't want her, and she had two younger siblings who the mother kept; grandparents were on/ off with her; the whole situation was completely terible, and only exacerbated by the foster mum over reacting to her breaking her toys or soiling the bed.
She is now at another foster carer, and has been moved from pillar to post I feel she has alot to catch up , if ever.
Sorry to ramble, but anonq, you are so right to question someone who is fostering, because the damage is probably irreparable for these tragic and tender kids.sad

Carnival Fri 16-May-08 21:30:39

I think it's 3 personal referees - I may be wrong

Janni Fri 16-May-08 22:03:00

Yes - I think it's three and what they say must absolutely remain anonymous.

northernrefugee39 Sat 17-May-08 07:50:52

I don't think they'd tell her she was rejected because of a bad reference, I doubt they'd give a reason.
If you have any doubts I think you need to express them.
I'm certain the self esteem of little girl I mentioned was badly rocked by the foster mum being completely exasperated by her, rolling her eyes and whispering about her soiling etc.

What I meant to say too, is that these kids need professional help which they often don't get or only sparsely. I think my dd's friend's mum naively believed the little girl would be a playmate for her daughter, and would be "grateful" in a way for family life. There were many tensions betweeen the two girls, and I think the social workers probably made a mistake by placing her in a family with another similar aged kid.

Kewcumber Sat 17-May-08 13:40:23

interesting concept - children being grateful for anything! Even if you're not a referree, I htink you can talk tothe adoption and fostering team to voice your concerns. You could say - "Look I may be worng but could you make a particular point of asessing ...."

DeeLondon Thu 29-May-08 16:40:03

There is that.. but there is also the fact that just because she looks after her house and dosen't want your little one touching her things, dose not necessairly mean she will not be of benefit to a needing child.

Im sure if she is as bad as you say she is, than social worker will see through her. And if not she deserves a chance. (They will look into her financial background)

You asking to be a referee and than doing the dirty just makes you very vicious and sly.

I think if you have reason for true concern you should be upfront.

Rubyx Sat 17-Sep-11 13:42:00

When i first considered fostering, i did think it would be fun to have another child around and they would play with my kids and appreciate the things i gave. But the training left me fully aware of what i was getting into so if she gets as far as approval she will know what to expect. Also maybe she is more patient then you think as she has had a child with ADHD. When i was being approved they merely looked at my mortgage statement and no other financial issues were discussed in a great detail. So it could be missed.

lijaco Sun 18-Sep-11 10:47:49

I think you need to express your concerns confidentially. I had experience of a difficult foster carer, I expressed my concerns and the social worker was already aware of issues and it just confirmed them when I spoke up. Foster children need understanding.

NanaNina Sun 18-Sep-11 19:38:37

I have spent 30 years of my working life as a social worker and tm mgr in a fostering & adoption team - now retired. I don't think you have need to worry OP, because the assessment is incredibly comprehensive and I am sure if this person is so unsuitable, it will be picked up by the assessors. The report also has to go to a Fostering Panel who will also pick up things if they feel the assessor hasn't covered a point in sufficient details.

Re references - all LAs have different rules on this. We used to ask for 2 non -relatives and 2 relatives, and the applicant supplied the names and addresses. Another LA I know of asks for 6 names and then they choose the 3 or 4 that they will interview. Referees are usually assured that their references will be confidential but it causes problems, because unless it is a serious child protection matter, then it is difficult to deal with. Again this varies and I can recall a time when we told referees that their reference would not be confidential, which of course stopped them saying anything negative. It is a real can of worms.

Someone once contacted me and told me Mr & Mrs X were only in it for the money and I just thought it was sour grapes, but it turned out they were right! You need the wisdom on Solomon sometimes!

Tewkespeggy Sun 18-Sep-11 20:21:07

be wary of the reference, they may have to disclose it... I know we do as part of the recruitment process.

However i would call the socail services and tell them that you want to be anoymous but that you have concerns. that way they will investigate but cant tell it was you since they wont know. If you are right she'll be found out, if you are wrong... no harm done

fit2drop Sun 18-Sep-11 20:37:34

*She did apply once before a few years back but her son was then at a special school as he has ADHD and she was rejected on those grounds as he was not deemed suitable to be around young foster children.
He is older now, at a mainstream school and a lot improved in his behaviour according to all his specialists.
She is convinced that she will be accepted this time.*

maybe just maybe she does have the abilities to help turn a childs life round, she has managed to do it with her own child under difficult circumstances (children with ADHD are not the easiest of children to manage) , you also said it may be a whim, .... well look , here she is years down the line , still considering it so maybe not such a whim after all, just something she has put on hold untill the situation at ome improves. Well good for her for taking on board and understanding what the proffessionals meant but not letting it dissuade her from offering a home to a child in need.

Maybe you should just leave it to the proffessionals , as NanaNina says , its a fairly arduous and comprehensive assessment. They know what to look out for.

monkeyfacegrace Sun 18-Sep-11 20:40:42

This thread is 3 years old guys!

fit2drop Sun 18-Sep-11 20:58:26

pmsl blush



wonders what the outcome was grin ,<nosy emoticon>

NanaNina Sun 18-Sep-11 23:05:06

Oh Lord I never noticed it went back to 2008! Seems like Rubyx revived it by her post of 11th September. Will be on the lookout for this in future!!

Kewcumber Mon 19-Sep-11 11:02:01

Ha ha ha! Shouldn;t laugh Nana because we've all done it! And you just know that you will religiously check the dates of any future threads for the next year and none of them will be old... then you'll forget and the very next one...

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